Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Friends,

I wanted to take a moment to wish each of you a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving. I know holidays can be a tough time. So, please know that I send you love and well wishes on this holiday and throughout the holiday season. please take time for yourself....to nurture and love yourself.

May you be blessed beyond measure.
May you be surrounded by people that love you.
May your life be full of love.
May you trust that life has much to offer.
May you realize if one door closes a better door is waiting.
May you find things in your life that you are grateful for.
May your life be full of supportive people and family.

Love and many blessings,
Misti

www.MistiHall.com

Are You Wearing PURPLE Today?

"Living in Harmony" Mandala by Misti Hall

Today many people are bringing awareness to an issue by wearing PURPLE. Today, October 20 has been declared Spirit Day. By wearing purple today...you are making a statement to say no to hate. Specifically, you are taking a stand to be a part of the change. The change seeking to dissolve bullying gay teens. It has been very unfortunate that many young lives have ended in tragedy because they were made fun of or bullied for their sexual orientation.

I wish we lived in a world where people were free to be their authentic self. In doing so, maybe the there would be fewer Straight Wives across the world. What if there became less and less Gay/Straight marriages? What if there were fewer broken hearts? What if there were fewer marriages ending because a spouse discovers their husband/wife is gay?

What if my own story was different? How would my life be different today if I had not unknowingly married a Gay man? Who would I be? I am sure I would be different. I am sure I would have less scars. I am certain that I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I encourage you to be the change you wish to see. For myself, I will be wearing PURPLE today. I will be mindful and wish for a peaceful world and equal rights.

Check out Straight Wives on Facebook!

Dear Readers,
Check out Straight Wives Facebook Page for our Straight Wives Blog Talk Radio! Bonnie Kay and I will use this Facebook page to update everyone on upcoming guest on our Blog Talk Radio Show. We will also post interesting and helpful articles related to Straight Wife issues. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/StraightWives/104245412947895?v=wall

Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian Straight Wives

Wanting to send out a Happy Thanksgiving to my dear Straight Wife friends that live in Canada. May each of you have something very special to be Thankful for on this holiday weekend. Remember...you are LOVED and you are MAGNIFICENT. May your life be filled with Celebration and Thanksgiving throughout the whole year.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

Seven Years Straight

Dear Readers,
I would like to give a warm welcome to our Straight Wife contributing writer, PJ. PJ is a Straight Wife that knows the heartache, pain and suffering that comes along with unknowingly marrying a gay man. PJ thank you for your honesty and helping other Straight Wife readers with your story.
Love and many blessings to all,
Misti


Seven years ago this month I was a bride in love, marrying the man of my dreams, and the wedding photos certainly convey images of happily ever after. I had taken my time to remarry, about twelve years because marriage was a sacred, holy vow and I knew this time it was forever. Besides, I had done a lot of self improvement work in the years following my divorce and felt I had my life together as a mature and wiser woman of 44. I was comfortable in my own skin and with living alone. I trusted that I had done the work to attract a loving, trusting relationship with a man who would love, honor and cherish me if that’s what I wanted for my life.

Only hours after exchanging those vows on a beautiful autumn day, I sensed a shift in my newly wedded husband. He wasn’t at all interested in having the reception party end or get to our honeymoon suite for our own private toast. I justified it because it was his first wedding, a 40 year old bachelor celebrating his long-awaited day; one that he had shared with so many friends as their best man throughout the years. (Besides, we’d been living together as a couple for the past year, so why not let him celebrate?) Eventually, in the early morning hours, he invited a few close friends to join us in our suite for yet another bottle of champagne. One friend in particular (whom I’d only met once before) continued to drink with my husband until it was clear he was unable to drive. To my astonishment, my husband asked me if the friend could sleep on the sofa in our suite. Of course I did! I tried to dismiss it with the fact that he also was drunk and not thinking clearly, but what I couldn’t dismiss was that I felt invisible and second to his friend. Fortunately, a couple intervened and took the friend to their home. We carried on with our wedding night, robotically, with the passion of the plastic bride and groom wedding cake topper. I never spoke of how uncomfortable I was on my wedding night with anyone. A couple of days later we left for our honeymoon in Paris. It would be the third night there, in the most romantic city in the world, before we would have sex again and the only time of the trip. I realize now it was just sex and never love-making. I convinced myself at the time it was, because to not, would have been unbearable. After all, HE was the man of my dreams, my soul mate for life. Surely the man of my dreams understood my desires, and wanted to fulfill them. Just as I wanted to fulfill his dreams as the wife he’d waited 40 years to marry. He just needed time and I just needed patience.

Why would I always recall our wedding night with such a strange chill and sensation? Was my wedding night a blessing or curse because I was given insight so soon of things to come in this marriage? I have struggled with those questions for the past seven years. Only recently I’ve come to learn my marriage is almost a text book case of a gay husband in deep denial of his homosexuality. There has been no shortage of red flags waving while I’ve been maintaining a white picket fence around my own denial. The alcoholism, constant job changes, drama, defensiveness, entitlement, and the tactics to become either distant or create a fight rather than be intimate with me. But of course, this was either my imagination or my fault and there was no apology large enough to make it right.

In my search for truth and honesty about our marriage, I have to acknowledge plenty of good times together. My husband can be incredibly funny and charming. There have tender and kind moments from the same man who is a mean alcoholic and narcissist. Were those times that felt so genuine and real just a big lie? Were they the accessories to the package deal sold to me during the two years before the walk down the isle of denial? All my spiritual teachings emphasize focusing on the good that is present in everyone to create more good. Perfect reasoning to ignore the bad behavior of the man I no longer recognized as the one I fell in love with. It seemed that the more I focused on his good qualities and worthiness, the angrier he became. He drank more and became even more distant. It defied all that made sense in a loving and intimate relationship between a man and woman. I felt like I was like trying to change the order of the seasons just to co-exist. Forced to my knees countless times, I have prayed for an absolute, conclusive event exposing his lie so we could just have one big fight and end what should have never began. I’ve wanted a fast marital death, not years on life support.

I do have reason to celebrate my seven year anniversary; if for no other reason than to be grateful for the truth and my decision to accept it even if my gay husband cannot. I realize there’s plenty of pain to go along with it, but I get to choose the length of suffering. I’ve earned that right. A close friend of mine, who has experienced a good deal of her own pain, has a saying when she thinks she is feeling sorry for herself. She’ll jokingly say “I guess I should get down off this cross so someone else can use the wood”. It makes me laugh every time. I have no doubt I’ll climb onto my own cross often while I grieve over my marriage or the illusion of one. And I will let myself, for however long it takes, until it’s no longer mine to climb or carry.
PJ -
A Straight Wife

Terry McMillan on the Oprah Show

If you are a Straight Wife I hope you were able to watch the Oprah show today. I am grateful that some light was shed for Straight Wives who have unknowingly married Gay men. Having experienced this personally and supporting women professionally as a life coach/therapist, this is a very REAL problem that lacks awareness. It is not an issue of being homophobic. The issues arise from a deep sense of betrayal. It is a betrayal that creates what I call a Soul Wound. It shakes the foundation and core of WHO and HOW you define (ed) yourself. There is limited support for Straight Wives. I hope this brings more awareness and support opportunities for Straight Wives. Thank you Terry McMillan for being so honest and open about being a Straight Wife!

A Day of Remembrance

Nine years ago today one of America's worst tragedies took place....9-11. It was a senseless act of horror that caused many lives to perish. May today be a day of REMEMBRANCE and HONOR for all Americans and especially those that lost loved ones. May today also be a day of HONOR for all of our Soldiers..past and present. Wishing healing and peace to all.

Hello Dear Friends,

As you can tell, I slowed down a bit to enjoy the summer. I have enjoyed visiting the mountains, splashing my feet in the ocean, visiting friends, visiting family, reading and doing my favorite past time...creating art. I found time to rejoice in the simple pleasures of life. As I tell all of my clients...IT IS THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO CREATING A MAGNIFICENT LIFE!!!

What are your simple pleasures?

What simple pleasure can you commit to this week?

Some ideas:

Sit by a body of water (an ocean, lake, river or pond) and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Make cupcakes and share them with friends.

Browse the bookstore and buy yourself a book to read.

Visit your local library and sign up for a free class.

Visit your local farmer's market and shop for ingredients for a new recipe.

Go to the movies...all by yourself!

Dance in the rain.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

July 4th...My INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!

Happy July 4th!!! This special holiday has many meanings for me. First of all, today is a very special day for our country. Today is a day of celebration and remembrance for declaring our independence from our Mother land. So, I always consider it USA's birthday. So, Happy Birthday to this great land of freedom and all the melting pot of people that live here...past and present.

Even more importantly, this celebration would not be complete without mentioning our soldiers. I also want to thank our soldiers and veterans for providing our freedom and protecting our people. Without you and your service....we would not have the freedoms that we have in this great land. So, THANK YOU and God Bless you and keep you safe.

Lastly, this great holiday is very significant to my own independence. Each July 4th I count my blessings of FREEDOM. On this very special day, I reflect over my past and realize how far I have come since I emancipated myself from a gay husband that became very violent and abusive over the years. My ex being gay was a small in comparison to the daily abuse and violence that I suffered.

Looking back over those years, I ask myself...."why did I stay?". The only answer I have is...I didn't realize how volatile the situation was because I was living and dancing inside the circle of crazy. When I was inside this circle of crazy, I became an expert at adapting to the environment and demands around me. I had to adapt to survive. Some days it literally meant life or death. On a good day I existed. On a bad day I dodged life-threatening abuse. I had no courage or strength to fight back. My life seemed worthless to him and to myself. I was blind to finding a way out. I had no courage or strength to fight back.

I prayed to God every night to help me out of the situation. I was beginning to think that my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Had I been a bad person to deserve this treatment? Was this my lot in life? Was this as good as life gets? FINALLY my Divine intervention arrived. However, not the way I had wished for or expected.

A chain of tragic events led to my Divine intervention. I was away on a trip visiting my Dad for his birthday. During the visit my dearest uncle passed away. He was young and it was very unexpected. The death of my uncle made me extend my trip "home". I staid for the funeral and it felt comfortable being "home" close to my roots and near my parents/family. Within a week of my uncle passing, my Dad had a near fatal car accident and I had to extend my stay even longer to help my Mom care for my Dad. While I was away from the now ex-husband, I realized that life was easier, even in the midst of my grief. There was a simpler way of life! A life that I didn't have to physically and emotionally protect myself around the clock. A life where people loved me and wanted me to be around them. It was on this trip that I allowed love to enter my life again. My uncle passing and my Dad nearly passing helped me to realize how important it is to feel love and be loved. Once I let the true love in, I truly had an awakening to the vividness of life and all the opportunities out there waiting for me. Within a few months, I secretly filed for divorce. The day I signed those divorce papers my life began. It was my INDEPENDENCE, my FREEDOM, my EMANCIPATION from abuse and a marriage that should have never been. It was my opportunity to fix a mistake...or mismarriage.

Reflecting back, I realize that I had many answered prayers and opportunities to leave. God had not turned a deaf ear to me. I lived in fear for so many years that I looked over many opportunities to leave. I was too busy dancing inside the circle of crazy.

So to all women out there, those married to abusive straight men or abusive gay men, live the life you deserve. Love was not meant to hurt or be life-threatening. L-E-A-V-E. No, it is not easy to leave. Most abusers make it difficult for their partners to leave a marriage or relationship. However, YOU CAN. You CAN. You CAN. Remember the children's story of the little train that could! Well, you can be that little train that could. It may take a plan...but, make that plan. There are Domestic Violence Shelters in or near every town in this great country we live. It may not be your posh..and cozy house, but, it can be protection and the gateway to a life full of opportunities minus the abuse. You deserve a magnificent life!

Enjoy this great INDEPENDENCE DAY...in a great country where we have amazing forefathers that have given us freedom and choices for men and WOMEN! Happy July 4th!!!

God bless,

Misti

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Happy Father's Day wishes would not be complete without me wishing my own Dad a big Happy Father's Day! So, Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I also want to remind Straight Wives out there that sometimes your own parents can be more supportive than you ever imagined. If you have good relationships with your family, do not underestimate the support and love they can give you during the "discovery period". My parent's helped me weather the storm that I thought I would have to walk alone. They helped carry me and my burdens.

Reflecting back on discovering that my ex-husband was/is gay....I was completely devastated. Initially I did not seek the support of my parents. I was embarrassed and assumed that they would not understand my pain, devastation and hurt. Well, I was WRONG. Thankfully, I finally found the courage to tell my parents that I was secretly filing for divorce and I needed their emotional support. My parents rose to the occasion and they supported me the WHOLE way.

They even understood that I could not "fix" my ex and transform him to being a Straight husband (this is HUGE because they belong to a very conservative church). They lovingly listened as I explained to them how I hid the physical and mental abuse. I told them everything....the double life my ex was leading, the affairs he was having and the abuse I experienced. They were shocked...but, not as shocked as I thought they would be. Being my parents they had sensed a strain in my marriage. They revealed to me that they knew things were not going well. However, they admitted that they had no idea of the physical and mental abuse I had gone through. But, shocking to me, they had suspected all along that my then husband was Gay.

Thankfully, my parents did understand. They were devastated because I had not come to them earlier! They gave me love and support all the way through the divorce process. They took me back under their wings of protection...and it felt good. It was a welcome reprieve from keeping the secrets and hiding my pain from them.

So, please realize that your parents may understand this situation better than you think!

On this Father's Day...I say, Daddy.......THANK YOU for all of the love, support, understanding, sternness (but, softness when I need it)....and ALWAYS being there!

Much LOVE to You and Mom,

Your Daughter...Misti

Happy Father's Day

Wanting to wish Happy Father's Day to all of you "Daddy's" out there. If you are a Gay Dad that has been a part of a Gay/Straight Marriage...it is my wish for you that you have been able to establish and maintain a healthy parental relationship with your child(ren).

I work with many mothers that are concerned about the relationship their ex-Gay husband will or will not have with their children. Please remember that divorced parents find ways to be a hands on parent every day. It may take a lot of work and effort to maintain a "civil" relationship after a divorce. But, in the end.....when you have children...it is worth the extra negotiation.

I am not saying to discount your pain and frustration as a spouse. However, I am saying...do not let your children bear your burden of pain. Whether you are the Gay or Straight Spouse, find appropriate support to help ease your pain. Parents MUST take care of themselves emotionally and physically to be great parents to their children. So, as parents, remember to take care of yourself and find support to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

So, if you are a separated or divorced Gay/Straight couple, I hope you have put your children's needs and welfare above your own hurt and frustrations. Keep the children out of your pain. Allow the children to love and enjoy the company of both parents. Children are precious and a gift to the world. Parents....love your children, support your children, visit your children often, encourage your children, etc. Most importantly stay involved in your children's life and inspire them to live a magnificent life full of love.

Just My Opinion.....

Often times I here from others that it must be much easier discovering that your spouse is gay and having an affair with a man vs. being straight and having an affair with a woman. Well, professionally and personally speaking, this is not true. There is no solace in finding out your husband has had an affair with a man instead of a woman. I am not discounting infidelity in any relations. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust a couple may experience. Then add on top of the betrayal a discovery that your husband is Gay. It makes the whole situation more complicated. Thus, for most Straight Spouses it adds more layers of complication and grief to work through. This type of discovery (finding out that our husband/mate is Gay) changes who you are...how you define yourself...how you see yourself...and brings on a level of shame and guilt that is hard to describe, unless you have experienced it. Not only do Straight Wives deal with infidelity.....they usually walk into the closet with their Gay husband/partner.

To many outsiders it seems like a "no-brainer".....your husband is Gay, so separation should be more simple. If only that was the case! It is not simple. So, if you are a Straight Spouse and you feel abnormal the next time you hear, "Oh, it must be easier because your husband cheated with a man"...please understand they have not experienced your situation. Dear Straight Wives you DO NOT have to discount your pain, your frustration, your grief, your emotions, etc. This is a very pain situation....a crisis at best. For all others, please be extra cautious when trying to discount some one's pain. It doesn't make the person feel better...let them feel their pain and as a friend, practice being a listener for them.

June Saturday Seminar: Self-Esteem

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Saturday Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Saturday Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Saturday Seminar in June. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Saturday Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: June Saturday Seminar/Telecourse
When: June 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Saturday Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer. Also, please note that your privacy is respected in the Saturday Seminars and Workshops. You can register under an anonymous name. The Saturday Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number.

The Damaged Feminine Spirit

After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my feminine identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. Unfortunately, I have not been alone in this feeling. Many of the women I work with have a wounded or damaged femininity. The years of sexual rejection and lack of intimacy erodes away the femininity of many Straight Wives.
The damaged femininity does not arrive overnight. Often times, it is a result of years of abusive comments or lack of intimacy. Bit by bit, pieces of femininity are put into what I call, “remission”. Years of being neglected sexually or receiving derogatory comments would assault any woman’s femininity. After hearing comments long enough, or being intimately neglected long enough, we tend to start believing the comments or actions as our TRUTHS. Thus, internalizing and placing blame on ourselves and seeing ourselves as “less than”. For example, only if I was thinner, he would desire me sexually. Only if I was prettier, he would desire me. Only if I dressed better, he would desire me. Only if my breasts were larger, he would desire me. Only if I was a better wife, he would desire me more. Etc.

Unfortunately, if you are a Straight Wife, chances are high that you have put your femininity into remission. Femininity is a very important essence of every woman put on the face of this earth. Femininity is not something to hide. It is something to be proud of. Most importantly, femininity should be honored and restored.

Femininity can be restored. It has nothing to do with your age, size, ethnicity, etc. Most of the restoration has to do with your beliefs....and negative beliefs about our femininity can be changed to positive and accepting beliefs. One of the most important keys is to realize that you are worthy and deserving of being a woman. Another important key to restoring femininity is to ask yourself the following questions:

What makes me feel like a woman?

When have I felt feminine and sexy in the past…what was I doing to feel that way?

Answering the above questions will give you clues as to how to jump start on reclaiming your femininity. Every woman at any age, size or ethnicity needs to feel honored and respected as a woman. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again.

If you would like more support on restoring your femininity, consider giving yourself the gift of a one on one coaching package. Each package is designed to fit your specific needs and we can work specifically on restoring your femininity. Restoring your femininity is a must for any woman that has been in a Gay/Straight marriage.

Many blessings to you,

Misti

Happy Easter/Happy Spring

To those of you that celebrate Easter...Happy Easter! To those of you that do not...Happy Spring on this beautiful day!

My Happy Easter/Happy Spring wish for you....

May you rise above your struggles....

and find the PEACE and LOVE

that you deserve in your

life.

ANYWAY.....

Over the years of working with Straight Wives it is very common for Straight Wives to be troubled by what other people may say or think of them. It saddens me that someone will let their happiness and well-being hinge on someone else's belief or opinion of them. As a result, I often see Gay/Straight couples remaining together out of this type of fear.

A Gay/Straight marriage has enough issues for the couple to process and deal with...and surely doesn't need outside negative opinions! Unfortunately, many negative judgments are placed on the Straight Wife. Many people seem to be great at offering unsolicited hurtful advice! Always remember, YOU know what is best for YOU. Seek professional counseling/coaching to help the both of you come to terms with your situation. Don't spend time worrying about outsider's opinions. The opinions that matter are from the Husband, Wife and Children. And to remind yourself of this, I am posting a copy of a poem that Mother Teresa hung on a wall of the orphanage she founded in Calcutta. The author of the poem is unknown.

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and

some true enemies;

Succeed anyway, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It is never between you and them anyway.

unknown

I hope this poem inspires you to be the best you can be and to live the best life you can live. YOU deserve a life full of LOVE, JOY, HAPPINESS, HOPE and JOY. May you realize it is there for you....but remember, the road to finding it is not always the easiest road to travel. However, it is well worth it to find and live an authentic life.

Happy Spring!

Dear Friends,

Spring is almost here! Spring is one of my favorite seasons. It always comes after the darkest and coldest season....Winter. Winter time can be very depressing when you are going through difficult times and life transitions.

I have spent all day out in nature today to witness all the signs of Spring and rebirth. Digging in the fresh earth smelled and felt so good on my hands. As I cleared my yard....I also intentionally cleared my mind. I mindfully pulled the weeds and cleared up the Winter debris. As I pulled the weeds, I asked myself....What "weeds" do I need to pull from my life? What is no longer serving me? What new "flowers" do I need to grow and nurture in my life this year? As I was clearing away the old to make room for the new, I zoned out into a mindful moving meditation...if you will. It was very refreshing to inventory my life. Every so often I take inventory of my life. So, I can I add more enjoyment....and let go of things that are draining. I suggest that you also do some Spring cleaning in your "garden". Ask yourself the same questions...and trust your answers. Remember...the tiny acorn is the seed for the majestic oak tree. The great oak grows from a tiny seed. What seeds do you need to plant this year?

This Spring I encourage you to let go of the old that is no longer serving you...and plant the new into your garden of life. If you want a good start on Spring, I suggest you to sign up for March's Saturday Seminar. Our topic will be Grief. You will be given tools to help release Grief. So, you can make room for the more enjoyable things in life. You will also be given a downloadable booklet on Grief to print and keep. I have a few spaces left if you are interested. Email me quick to reserve your spot.

Love and many blessings to you,
Misti

March Saturday Seminar: Grief

Grief is the topic for the Saturday Seminar Telecourse in March. This Saturday Seminar is scheduled for March 13 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. I will discuss a model of Grief and how it fits into the Recovery process of discovering that your spouse/partner is gay. Understanding Grief can often help in the healing journey. During this Saturday Seminar I will also share tips on how to ease the Grief pain and how to move forward in the process. The Saturday Seminar Telecourse will be a mixture lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help during the Grieving process and a downloadable Grief packet. Come join in on this live group Telecourse from the comforts and privacy of your home to learn more about Grief and the healing process.
What: March Saturday Seminar Telecourse
When: March 13, 2010 at 1:00 PM-2:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Grief packet. Arrangements can be made to mail the Grief packet if you do not have a printer.

Support Team

Discovering your mate is gay can be devastating. When we, Straight Wives, get this news our world crumbles.....and we find ourselves in a "fog". A "fog" is when you are not thinking as clearly and rational as you would normally. The "fog" sometimes dulls our ability to make "sound" decisions and it is a natural response to a Grief reaction. Often times when we find ourselves in a "fog" of emotions...it is beneficial to surround ourselves with people that LOVE us and have our best interests at heart. In an effort to survive the "fog" and to be able to make better decisions it is very important to create a Support Team. A good Support Team can help you get on your healing path. As well as, help you remain focused when the path is full of obstacles.

What is a Support Team? A Support Team is a group of friends and family members that have your best interest at heart. It is someone you know that is mindful of your welfare and well-being. It is someone that treats you with respect and honors who you are. It is someone that offers support to you emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. without being controlling and telling you what to do. It is someone that has the ability to be a great listener. It is someone that lives with integrity. It is someone you counted on in the past. So, who in your life can you identify that are strong in above areas? Once you identify the people, make a list. Try to come up with at least 5 people that will be on your Support Team. Once you identify those 5 people, take the time to talk with each of them. See what their thoughts are...and if they are okay with being a part of your team. You may be very surprised how willing someone is to help you when you ASK! Do not assume they know you need the help and support! Ask them.

Many people also have at least one professional on their Support Team. It could be someone you have a professional relationship with. For example, a professional Support Team member could be a Life Coach, Therapist, Minister, Chaplain, Priest, Rabbi, etc. There are some benefits to having a professional as one of your Support Team members. The greatest benefit being, the professional member should be trained in helping you untangle situations. Therefore you can approach situations with greater clarity to make better decisions. Another benefit being, the professional Support Team member should be unbiased in the situation. Therefore, he/she can offer different solutions from many different perspectives. Thus, the professional Support Team member may be able to uncover more solutions/options than you have thought of.

Collectively, this special group of people in your Support Team can be your "sounding" board when you are making a decision. As well as, be there when you need someone to listen or vent to. Everyone needs a Support Team when heading through major life transitions. A good quality Support Team can make a huge difference in your ability to heal. Take the time to make a list of your support team today.

When Happily Ever After Turns to Miserable Ever Since....

Has your Happily Ever After fell apart? Did your Happily Ever After turn into Miserable Ever Since I Discovered? Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses find ourselves in a situation of not knowing of whether to stay......or whether to leave. Obviously, no one wants to find themselves in this situation. Therefore, it can be easier to bury our heads in the sand......and wish for it all to go away. Chances are......it isn't going away any time soon. Therefore, sooner or later you and your Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will need to sort out your future together.......or apart. Ideally, both of you will discuss the transition of dealing with a Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner and develop a plan of integrity and pave the road to both of you living an authentic life.

Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses have to sort this situation out on their own. Often times the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will dismiss their Straight Spouse's intuition or discovering evidence. This dismissal is not only damaging, it leads to guilt and shame in the Straight Spouse. After feeling guilt and shame for long enough..the Straight Spouse has a tendency to internalize the relationship issues and blame themselves for the problems and issues in the marriage/relationship. Then, the Straight Spouse sets themselves up for a whole host of unrealistic self expectations. "I will do THIS....and he/she will love me more. I will do THAT...and he/she will love me more." This type of disillusionment puts us on the merry go round of failure and leads to an assault on our ability to love and be loved.

Ultimately, the greatest love is the LOVE FOR OURSELVES. We must learn to Love and Accept ourselves. We cannot solely depend on a healthy love outside of ourselves and not grow and nurture our own Self Love.

When we give away our power in Self Love, we set ourselves up for potential disasters. For example, if we do not LOVE ourselves and expect love to come from our partner....then we are only fed the type of LOVE they are willing to give. What if your partner doesn't know how to love you the way you deserve to be loved? What if your partner has a tendency to be manipulative and abusive? What kind of Love will your partner deliver? If you remain dependent to receive Love outside of yourself.....you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and unhealthy relationship patterns.

Once we seek outside Love long enough, it can become toxic. A toxic love is not healthy! A toxic love is prone to be riddled with abuse, neglect and very conditional. For example...."only if you were thin enough I would love you more, only if you had a better job....I would love you more, if we have a child we will love each other more, "etc. Conditional love erodes our ability to Love and function in a healthy manor. After you have exposed yourself long enough....you will start to believe the conditions.....the terrible comments.....or accept the neglect/lack of Love. Once that line has been crossed, we tend to find ourselves feeling miserable and unworthy of Love. Often times these feelings trap us in a relationship because we feel, "this is the best I can do...and who would want me?"

Even though Love is a primal instinct we seek, we often overlook the foundation to the greatest love of all........LOVING OURSELVES! Yes, loving ourselves builds a solid foundation for a healthy love.

Love is like a garden. You must plant the seeds of LOVE....water them.... WEED them...and fertilize properly. Sometimes is it hard to discern the weeds from the seedlings of LOVE. So, you tenderly make decisions to pluck the weed....or allow the weed to grow. If you choose to nurture more weeds than love seedlings.....you will risk not having a bountiful harvest and possibly experience a famine of LOVE. If you choose to cultivate more LOVE seeds than weeds, you will be rewarded with an abundant harvest. Gardening takes time and patience....and needs to be sprinkled with courage. You must tend your garden often and mindfully to allow your LOVE to grow. When you are ready for harvest, enjoy your fruits and share them. Remember, planting Love seeds is not a one crop effort.....one must continually plant LOVE seeds in the garden to experience a stable supply of fruits!

Self Love can begin with very basic and simple steps. A well balanced Self Love has a mixture of behaviors that nurture the body, mind and spirit.

You can start by making a list of 20 things that you love to do....or simple things that bring you pleasure and joy. When you make your list, include a variety of things to "feed" your body, mind and spirit. When making this list you can ask yourself:

What makes me feel in touch with my spiritual being?

What makes me feel good about my body?

What are things that reduce my stress and anxiety?

Then, commit to following through with action! Pick out an activity to do at least once a week. If you commit to doing something for yourself once a week......by the end of the month you have done 4 great things for yourself. The end of the year.....you have done 52 great things for yourself. It is also wise to continually add to your list of things to do/try. It is the accumulation of doing those great things and the commitment to continually do those great things for yourself that add up to cultivate Self Love, Self Confidence, Self Esteem and Discover/Rediscovery of the Self. You are worth the effort!

Do you have weeds in your garden of Love? If so, what weeds are you willing to "thin out" and what variety of seeds are you willing to plant that will build up your SELF LOVE? Are you committed to nurturing and cultivating your garden of LOVE?

If you would like help in cultivating your "garden of Self Love" contact me at

MistiLynnHall @aol.com to schedule a complimentary 30 sample session and to learn more about my Life Coaching services.

Much LOVE and BLESSINGS to you,

Misti

Happy Valentine's Day

Dear Readers......

These are the things I wish for you on this Valentine's Day....whether you are married, separated, divorced or single...

May you settle for MORE in life....

May you feel that you are BEAUTIFUL....

May you learn how to LOVE YOURSELF deeply...

All LOVE affairs need to begin with LOVING YOURSELF first...

Broken HEARTS do mend...

May you allow LIGHT to enter where darkness resides within...

Forgiveness starts with OURSELVES...
Nurture your SPIRIT.....it is resilient...
May you allow yourself to let go of the pain....

May you discover a river of PEACE to flow through you...
May you understand that you will not have all the answers....just TRUST...

May you seek out JOY everyday....

May you reconnect with that inner child that loves to PLAY...
May you be on the path to your AUTHENTIC SELF.....

May you EMBRACE your AUTHENTIC SELF...

CELEBRATE your UNIQUENESS...
May you INDULGE in the SWEETNESS of life....

May you SHARE your GIFTS with the world....

LOVE and MANY BLESSINGS to you...

Misti

February Seminar & Workshop

In addition to the individual Straight Spouse Coaching services, I am excited to offer the following groups this February:

February Seminar and Workshop

February Saturday Seminar: LOVE
The Topic for the Saturday Seminar (Telecourse) in February is LOVE. This seminar is all about the most important LOVE relationship you will have in your life....YOURSELF. The Telecourse will focus on ways to practice Self-Love and ways to build your Self-Esteem. If you have been, or you are currently in a Straight/Gay marriage, this may be one of the most important Saturday Seminars to attend. The Telecourse will be a mixture of deep breathing, visualization (for relaxing), lecture, discussion and activities to cultivate Self-Love and Self-Esteem. This Saturday Seminar includes a downloadable workbook.
What: February Saturday Seminar (Telecourse)
When: February 13, 2010 at 1:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the workbook. Arrangements can be made to mail the workbook if you do not have a printer.

Reclaim the Feminine Spirit
After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my FEMININE identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. With work and effort, I discovered a "recipe" to reconnect with my femininity. Does your Feminine Spirit feel broken, neglected or damaged? If so, this workshop is for you! I will share my experience, helpful tips and exercises to tap into your Feminine essence. This workshop will last for 4 weeks and it will focus on recapturing your FEMININE SPIRIT! The classes will be held on 4 consecutive Monday evenings at 8:30PM (Eastern Standard Time Zone). The first class will be conducted on February 15 and go through March 8, 2010. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again. This class is designed for all Straight Spouses...regardless of where you are in the journey.
What: Reclaim the Feminine Spirit Workshop/Telecourse
When: The class will meet via telephone on February 15, February 22, March 1, & March 8
Time: 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone
Cost: $150.00
Supplies Needed: Access to a telephone, access to email, a journal, colored pencils or crayons.

Please contact me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com to register and payment arrangements.

Love and Blessings,

Misti

What IF???

I recently attended a friend and family get together. It was a very pleasant social affair. Lots of food, good conversation, updates on our lives, wine, etc. Everything that makes a get together warm and cozy. Even though it had all of the ingredients for a fabulous night....it became an extra special night. The kind of special night that you get to eat the cake and icing too! It was a night with a "gift" that I will never forget.

On this particular night a family came with their young adult children to the party. They were home from college and each child brought their boyfriend and girlfriend along. The interesting part...one of their children is a lesbian...and she brought her girlfriend to the gathering.

All night I caught myself starring and talking to the Lesbian couple....and please know, it wasn't a condescending conversation or stare...it was a stare and conversation of gratefulness. My heart was full and I was so grateful to see a loving "normal" family be so accepting of their daughter's sexuality. Their daughter being a Lesbian is normal for their family....and it was normal for their daughter's girlfriend to be a part of their family's activities.

Seeing the family interactions, especially with their daughter and her girlfriend was a "gift" to me. It reminded me that there are parents out there that love their children regardless of their sexual orientation. It reminded me that some parents do accept their children's sexuality and allow their children to grow into loving and caring adults. Most importantly, it reminded me that (some) parents encourage their children to live their truth......regardless if it fits the social and religious "norm".

After I left the party, I kept thinking....WHAT IF my ex-husband's family encouraged him to live his truth? WHAT IF they had accepted him for who he really was? WHAT IF my ex-husband did not feel like he had to hide behind a marriage? WHAT IF my ex-husband did not have to feel shame and frustration? WHAT IF a strict religious upbringing did not condemn him to hell? WHAT IF my ex-husband felt safe to be who he was meant to be? WHAT IF.....WHAT IF.... The WHAT IF's ruminated in my mind as I danced around with different outcomes.

Obviously, my life story would have been written differently....and our paths may have crossed as friends instead of getting married and departing as enemies through a nasty and hurtful divorce.

Dear readers...be respectful to others for their uniqueness. I am not asking you to change your beliefs...you don't have to agree with them politically, religiously, etc. Just open your mind and open your heart to consider for a moment....WHAT IF I looked at a situation from a different view point.....how would my world view be different? Is there an area of my life that I need to shed more compassion? Embrace your own differences....live your truth....as a result, others will be more accepting and respectful of you. Have compassion towards others. When we find ourselves ready to judge.......pause for a moment and practice having compassion rather than condemnation. We never truly know someone's circumstances or their story. How can we judge someone else's story.....when we can barely understand our own story? BE the change you wish to see.

Love & Blessings,

Misti

Haiti Earthquake

Dear Readers,

My heart is heavy for Haiti. This past week we have seen a horrific tragedy in Haiti. I am afraid this is only the beginning of their crisis. If they do not get the proper relief and medical care...I assume things will escalate and more humans will perish.

I have traveled to Haiti years ago. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. However, during my visit I could not comprehend the poverty. No one wore shoes...the few that did have shoes, their shoes were one of a kind. I remember talking to a woman in the market. I assumed she was in her mid 40's. As we talked...I discovered that she was a teenager. A mere 14 years old. I suppose this young lady appeared so much older due to the harshness of her life circumstances. Her image has been forever etched into my mind. I have often wondered where she is today...or what her life is like. Possibly she has not survived this earthquake.

Please dig deep into your pockets...and send a donation to help Haiti. There are many organizations out there needing donations and money for Haiti. So, pick your favorite organization and send them a donation for Haiti. Even if you cannot send money....please send your prayers and well-wishes. Haiti needs all the help they can get at this time.

For those of you that send a donation to Haiti I will offer you a discount on any of my coaching services for the month of January.

Love and blessings,


Misti

Healthy Diversions

Healthy diversions can be a very integral part of the healing process. Healthy diversions can make a huge difference in whether you survive the journey...or thrive in your journey. The following are just a few healthy diversions. Please feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment.

1) Journaling
Do you need someone to talk to in middle of night when you wake up from sleep? Do you feel like no one understands you? Or, are you afraid that you may turn to unhealthy habits...such as excessive drinking? If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions, journaling may be a great healthy diversion for you. Pull out your journal...and write it out. Express how you feel. Allow those thoughts to spill onto paper...and out of your head. Do not worry about grammar or punctuation. Just let it flow, even if the words do not make sense. Journaling allows you to release emotions and gain clarity. It can also help you identify triggers and patterns in your emotions. For example...you may be able to discover a trigger that makes you sad...angry...etc. Always put a date on your journal entries. In the days to come...you can reflect back on your entries to see how far you have come.

2) Affirmations
Never underestimate the power of kind words! If you find yourself in a habit of negative self talk.. an excellent way to retrain ourselves is through using an opposite positive version. For example, if you keep telling yourself.."I can't do ______"..."I will not be able to finish _______".......you can change those phrases around to:
I can do ______ with ease. I will finish ______ with ease.
Affirmations can take the power out of the negativity. This is also a great foundation for building up self-esteem.
Louise L. Hay has many books with positive affirmations. Many book stores have her books in the "Self Help" section.

3) Take a class
For example....learn more about your finances. Take an investment class. Learn the investment lingo. Put yourself in power of your financial future. Get into the "know" of where your money is going. Learn how to save for a secure and comfortable retirement. Other classes to consider....foreign language, art or craft class, healthy cooking class, etc.

4) Join a book club.
If you have a love for reading....this may be an excellent way for you to meet new people and to stimulate your mind.

5) Yoga
Yoga can be very calming and it can quiet the mind. Yoga can also be a great way to feel "centered" and to find clarity.

6) Volunteer
Giving back can be a huge part of your healing process. However, only volunteer when you are ready...and start volunteering small increments of time. Do not commit to long hours of volunteering. Remember.....if you feel depleted..cut back on the commitment. If you continue to feel depleted...maybe the organization isn't a good "fit" for you. If this is the case...give a notice to the volunteer department and look into the possibility of volunteering for a different organization.

7) Feed your spirit.
What feeds your spirit? Is it prayer...meditation....attending church/temple/synagogue service....being in nature? Whatever it is...feed your spirit. Make sure you put aside enough time to honor this part of your being. In my healing process...this was one of the most important things I did. I always set aside time seek things out that "filled my cup".

What are you doing to be proactive in your healing process? Do you have a healthy diversion for the "hard days/moments"? If not, find a healthy diversion that suits your needs and personality. It will help your healing journey.

AIDS Awareness

To all of you that know me and to those that do not, let me share with you an awareness that I am passionate about... AIDS AWARENESS. This is not a pretty disease. It is a horrible death sentence in many parts of the world where people have little, if any, access to medicine or access to preventive education.

Please know that AIDS does not discriminate. AIDS doesn't mind if you are gay or straight, young or old, black or white, man or woman. It crosses all boundaries, genders, cultures and socioeconomic status'. You cannot visibly look at someone and tell if they are "healthy" and free of HIV/AIDS. If you are planning to have sex with someone....both of you should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Yes, it may be awkward to ask a partner to be tested...but, it is much easier than showing up in a doctor's office with a diagnosis of HIV/AIDS. Always remember....when you have sex with someone....it is equivalent to you having sex with EVERY sexual partner they have had. So, get tested and request the same. If you cannot afford to be tested...go to your local health department. Health departments offer free and anonymous HIV testing.

I will leave you with this beautiful video from Starbucks for AIDS Awareness titled....

Love Project

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg