Happy NEW YEAR!!

Dear Reader....

I want to wish you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR.

May your New Year be full of Love.

May your New Year be full of Fun Adventures.

May your New Year be full of Hope.

May your New Year be full of Peace.

May your New Year be full of great Health.

May your New Year be full of Laughter.

May your New Year be full of Beauty.

May your New Year be full of Blessings.

May your New Year be full of New Opportunities

May your New Year be full and Prosperous.

May your New Year be MAGNIFICENT!

You deserve all the best. My well wishes are with you and I hold each of you close to my heart. I am very thankful to work with many of you. I love every one of you. I know your circumstances and relationships are tough. I have been there too. It isn't easy...but, it is Survivable and YOU deserve only the best in your life. I BELIEVE IN YOU. May you have many blessings in 2010.

Ahhhhhh....YOU MADE IT!!

Congratulations! You made it through the Holidays. Only one more to go...New Year's Eve/Day.

Every year I hear about how difficult the Holidays are to get through. I remember those days all too well....when I was in the midst of being married to a gay man. Everywhere I looked...I found a place to let my heart break again and again. I would notice happy couples in the mall.....my heart would break. I would see those Christmas movies with all the love, laughter and joy.....my heart would break. I would see couples holding hands.....my heart would break. I would pass by a jewelry store in a mall and notice men looking at diamonds for their sweetheart.....my heart would break. I would see a family with children in tow.....my heart would break. I would notice an elderly couple walking together.....my heart would break. I would go to church and notice all the love around me...while I felt empty, dark and unworthy on the inside...my heart would break again.

I would cry rivers on the inside. Yet, somehow I managed to keep a calm fake face on the outside. It was very difficult...and I paid a high price for doing so. Each day...I let a piece of my truth and being slip away. Each day the feelings of desperation, anger, "unfairness" ate deeper into my soul. I let a little piece of me slip away bit by bit. I replaced my missing pieces with numbness to get through another day....another month...another year.

Living in complete sorrow ....my soul, my purpose, my motivation, my inspiration, my joy...it all melted away. Somehow, the spirit of the Holidays heightened my fears and intensified my heart ache. So, my private Holiday on the inside was not happy, joyous or grateful. It was a deep dark sea of emotions that I couldn't navigate or untangle. I was lost inside my body.

Often I ask myself...HOW DID I DO THAT....and WHY DID I DO THAT? The answer......I was always hoping and wishing for a better tomorrow. I lived on borrowed hope. It took nearly 10 years for me to realize that I could not emotionally afford to live on hope that my marriage would improve...or that I could wish, hope and pray for my then husband to be straight. So, for the Holiday season of 1999 I declared I would create a NEW and BETTER life for myself. Once I made my decision...I began to gain some clarity. It was not a lot clarity......but, it was enough to help me find a road map out of my misery.

So....if your heart is aching from the Holidays...I hope you find yourself relieved that it is OVER. I hope you are able to repair your broken heart and may it be on the mend. I hope you find your road map to a future filled with all the joys of life. May you live a MAGNIFICENT life because YOU DESERVE IT! Gather your strength...and go into 2010 with the intention of healing. Heal your heart, body, mind and soul.

Love from my heart to yours....May 2010 be a better year for you!

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays....
May your heart be joyful with
any Holiday you celebrate!


My Holiday Wishes for you.....
May you discover your INNER STRENGTH,
May you find HOPE,
May you seek out INSPIRATION,
May you honor your CREATIVITY,
May you release the past and look forward to the FUTURE,
May you find the COURAGE to reach your GOALS,
May you discover your SELF WORTH,
Most of all....May you LOVE yourself and have amazing HEALTH!

I believe in you,
With Love,
Misti

Saturday Seminar Teleclasses

Hello! I would like to "introduce" you to my new Saturday Seminars.
I will be conducting several Saturday Seminars (Teleclasses) throughout next year. The very first one will be conducted on January 2, 2010. The focus of the first Saturday Seminar will be on HEALING & GOAL SETTING for the New Year. Come join a group of Straight Spouses that are eager to change their life for the better. Start the New Year off in the right direction among a group of Straight Spouses that understand. This Telecourse will be beneficial for those currently in a Gay/Straight Marriage and those who are out of the Gay/Straight Relationship. After the Saturday Seminar is finished, I will hold an optional Question & Answer session for the participants. There will also be a bonus on the call. One random participant will receive a complimentary Straight Spouse Coaching session with me!

What: Saturday Seminar Teleclass
When: Saturday, January 2, 2010 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $25.00
Note: You will need access to a phone to call into the Teleclass.

Are you ready to for positive changes in your life? Are you ready for a wonderful New Year? If so, contact me MistiLynnHall@aol.com for questions, registration and payment arrangements. Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season. Give yourself this important gift! You deserve it.

Your Straight Spouse "Sister",
Misti Hall, M.S.

Announcements....STEPPING Into Some New Things.....

I would like to make a few announcements. Straight Spouse Coaching is stepping into some new directions and expanding services. First of all, lots of things have been going on behind the scenes at Straight Spouse Coaching. I have finally started a Newsletter. It is called Straight Spouse Sisters. The Newsletter is intended to be helpful for Straight Spouses and it addresses some of the struggles of Straight Spouses. There is so little information out there on our struggles...so, I thought it was time to start a Newsletter. I plan to offer the Newsletter at least 4 times per year. One for each season. If you would like to be on the mailing list, email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com .

I will also be offering some new classes and workshops in the upcoming New Year. Some of the new things I will be offering are...a membership email/network group, one day seminars in person and over the phone, monthly seminars focusing on specific topics, more guest blog posts, etc.

Last, but not least....I will be launching a Website in 2010! This has been a very exciting year for Straight Spouse Coaching and I am looking forward to 2010.

The BOOTS

I just HAD to buy the boots in the above photo. It was not an option to pass by them and leave them stranded on the shelf. They screamed out loud..."TAKE ME HOME". So, without much thought, I purchased the boots. I have had so much fun wearing them! They are not for the faint of heart. They definitely get attention...but, most importantly, they make me smile and I feel a sense of wonder when I have them on exploring the outdoors. Take time to have fun in your life. Go have some fun....If you are reading this blog...you probably need to infuse yourself with some goodness. As always....I wish you Hope, Joy and Love.

Holiday Workshop

Hello and Happy Holidays to all. Holidays is the time of year when we are supposed to be happy, grateful, joyful, etc. Unfortunately, when you are going through any type of transition, like divorce, separation and/or discovery that your mate it gay, it can be tough to handle and depressing. Therefore, I have designed a workshop to support Straight Spouses through the December Holidays and into the New Year. Whether you are new into the discovery or years post separation/divorce....give yourself this Gift of support. I only have two spots left....so, if you are interested contact me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com to reserve your spot.

Workshop Description

I will be offering the Holiday Straight Spouse Workshop starting December 7, 09 at 8:30PM (Eastern Standard Time Zone). This workshop will meet once a week for 6 weeks (6 consecutive Mondays) over a bridge line phone number. So, from the privacy and convenient from your home...you dial into a number and we are all connected on the same phone line. We will discuss our stories and do different activities (homework) through out the 6 weeks. In between the calls, you can connect on a private Ning.com site. This site will allow you to post your homework, correspond with other members of the group, etc. All of the activities/homework assignments are optional. You are never asked to share something that you are uncomfortable sharing. Also remember that this is a PRIVATE group. Only those with an invite from the moderator (me) can enter. Coming together as a group can be very healing in and of itself. It shows us that we are NOT ALONE. Others have passed through this....and they have survived and thrived. Some of the things we will do in this group are: activities to raise self-esteem, discover ways to nurture ourselves, create a joy journal, etc.

Lost and Found

Hello fellow Straight Spouse Sisters,

I would like to introduce you to our bright and beautiful fellow tribe member, Emily Pearson. Emily Pearson is an accomplished woman and has a way with words. In her own words she describes herself as a Full Time Single Mom, Writer, Actress, Recovering Mormon, and Die Hard Smart-Ass.

Emily is the author of several blogs. Two of her blogs are http://wearewildflowers.blogspot.com/

and

http://dancingwithcrazy.blogspot.com/

I encourage you to browse her blogs. She has an amazing writing style that intertwines straight spouse heartaches with a dose of humor. God knows we need humor where we can get it!

The following is a post originally written by Emily Pearson.......

LOST AND FOUND

To me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man.

Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.

We find ourselves being held hostage in his closet. The clothes are his. The smells are his. The shoes are his. It is dark and frightening and miserable. The worst part is that we let HIM have the key and we wait for HIM to decide whether or not we ever get to come out. Unless a woman has been there, it is impossible to understand the despair this situation brings.

Whether we decide to leave the marriage or stay - it is imperative that we rescue ourselves, separate ourselves from his sexuality and reclaim who we are. If you are a woman that has chosen to live with him in his closet I cannot recommend highly enough that you not blast the "He's gay" information from the rooftops but share the situation with ONE trusted friend or relative. I do believe that every gay person deserves to come out to who they want when they want and that their privacy should absolutely be protected. BUT the wife of a gay man desperately needs at least one person to confide in and get support from. Talk to someone.

And if you choose to stay - Honey, you take your freaking sledge hammer to that closet and expand it into the biggest walk in anyone has ever seen. Put in windows and vaulted ceilings and shelves and artwork and your clothing and your perfume and every alive and beautiful thing that screams YOU because this is your life too and remaining lost is no longer an option.

There are many, many painful problems that accompany marriages between gay and straight people but I think we often make it mean more than it really does. We let it be far bigger than it is and let it eclipse more than we should. Is it confusing and painful as hell? Without question. But does it mean what we make it mean - that we are not attractive, desirable, beautiful, talented, fun, alive and worthy of love? NO. It simply means he is gay and we do with that what we will. We claim for ourselves what we will.

Still married, separated or divorced the trick, and task, is to find ourselves again. Take out old pictures and remember who you were before he came into your life. Pick up old musical instruments and hobbies. Put on music. Dance. Run. Eat chocolate. Have as many Girl's Nights Out as you can. Paint your toenails bright red. Stare at your naked body in the mirror and have a conversation with it. I am not kidding. Tell your body that it is beautiful and desirable because it is female - not in spite of that fact. Do this every day until you believe it. Slather yourself with yummy lotion. Buy pretty lingerie just for YOU. Read books that YOU like. See movies that YOU like. Prepare food that YOU like.

Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for you. And, guess what? It doesn't have one teeny, tiny, little, itty, bitty thing to do with him.

The original post can be found here...http://wearewildflowers.blogspot.com/2009/02/lost-and-found.html

Thanks Emily!

Stepping Forward

What a weekend!!! Bonnie Kaye and I facilitated a healing weekend in Miami for Straight Spouses. I must say....it was AMAZING. This large group of women were filled with compassion and love for each other. Each of them became instant friends due to the connection of having had (or currently having) a gay husband. Many of them, for the first time in their life, were able to share their struggles and triumphs among a group of women that truly understood. The pain was intense, but the healing presence was almost magical.

We are an amazing tribe of women worthy of all the best life has to offer. May you all STEP forward into that life filled with love, peace and joy. May you trust again....and forgive YOURSELF. You are worthy!

Stay tuned for additional weekend retreats.

Hugs and Love to all Straight Spouse Sisters out there.

Other People's Comments.....

WARNING....I am ready to get on my soap box. Why do people make so many inappropriate comments to the Straight Spouse? I have encountered many unsavory comments from people. In my Life Coaching practice I hear about terrible comments on a daily basis from my clients. Unfortunately, these comments sting like a bee and can be damaging.

Rule number 1....if you don't know what to say, don't say anything. My Mother taught me this when I was in kindergarten. Come on people....you can understand this one!

Rule number 2....don't give "expert" advice about a subject in which you have no experience. The old saying goes.....walk a mile in my shoes before you comment and/or pass judgment.

Rule number 3....if you are going to throw rocks at me.....at least make them heart shaped.

All this stems from a conversation I had a few days ago. I ran into an acquaintance while I was out running errands. We had a very enjoyable conversation....until she asked what I was doing professionally. I explained to the acquaintance that I do Life Coaching for Grief related issues and for Straight Spouses. She applauded me for my work and I thanked her. Then, it went down hill from there! She continued to tell me that she "knew from the first time she saw my ex-husband that he was gay". That comment wasn't enough...she proceeded to say, "Well you knew he was gay when you married him. You can tell by how gay he acted. I knew he was gay. It was so obvious he was gay." I didn't think her expert "gaydar" comments were ever going to end. Finally, after silently counting to ten....taking a big deep breath.....and in an attempt to numb the STING of her comments, I looked at her squarely in the face and said, "do you think I would knowingly marry someone that I knew was gay?"......"do you think any Straight Spouse wants that type of hardship?".

The conversation ended and we began talking about something else. Needless to say, I left the conversation with a STING. It irritates me when someone gives unsolicited "expert" comments. Who grants them the entitlement to say rude comments? Maybe I am more sensitive to rude comments because I am trained as a therapist. I am trained to respect other people and their life circumstances. I am trained to not give unsolicited "expert" advice. None the less, it offended me for all Straight Spouses out there.

When people make comments such as this....the underlying messages to Straight Spouses are......you should have known better.....you asked for it.....you were stupid...etc. Well, Straight Spouses are none of the above. Most Straight Spouses, unknowingly marry gay men or lesbians. They fell in love with someone and hoped for a wonderful future. They fell in love and had no idea of the hardships and heart break their marriage would bring.

So, before you offer someone your opinion or expert advice, think twice. Are you contributing something positive to the person...or could it possibly be offensive? Most of all, don't assume you know some one's story. Be compassionate and kind to others. And...don't be throwing rocks at people....we ALL live in glass houses.

Self-Esteem

Often times straight spouses have little to no self-esteem. Knowing that your spouse is gay can be very damaging to your self-esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic. Then add a gay spouse to mix.....it spells for disaster in the self-esteem department.

So, as a straight spouse, how can you rebuild your self-esteem? Thankfully, there are many things to rebuild your self-esteem, self-love, confidence, etc. First of all, start with the basics. The basics can be any form of self-nurturing practice. Some good self-nurturing habits can be....

Taking 5 minutes to do deep breathing/cleansing breaths, express your feelings by writing in a journal, create positive affirmations for yourself, take a walk out in nature...breathe the fresh air, exercise, eat wholesome foods, drink lots of water, try a new hair style, etc.

Often times we forget our basic needs while living in the jungle of life. It is especially important to practice self-love and self-nurture while navigating through your gay/straight relationship. The more you take care of yourself.....the faster your confidence, self-esteem and self-love will grow.

So, take time for yourself...you are worthy of self-care and self-love. Do something for yourself TODAY!

Workshop Update

Hello everyone!

Where has the time gone to this fall? I am late in posting...time seems to run away! Anyway, I would like to let you know that I have a couple of spots left in the next workshop. The workshop starts October 14, 2009 and will meet for 6 consecutive Wednesdays via telephone from 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. The workshop has been changed a bit. It will include Straight Spouses from all different stages of the journey. I have had such a wonderful experience with the first workshop.....and I realize that it is helpful for the spouses to be in all different stages. The Straight Spouses have given me amazing feedback on how this workshop has helped them. Most importantly, the Straight Spouses are finding their way into a beautiful life. We have shared pain....and transformed that pain into discovering a new self...and discovering a life full of opportunities.

So, if you are struggling in a Straight/Gay relationship, consider taking the workshop. The workshop honors discretion and your identity. You have the option of not using your real name on the conference calls and in our private online site.

The workshop is designed to heal...and to build up your self-love and self-esteem. It offers a non-judgmental place to share your fears and to find ways to move forward in your life. In the workshop you will get 6 live conference calls, homework assignments, unlimited email access to the facilitator (the one and only, me!) and 1 live follow-up conference call a month after the workshop has ended. Everything for 150.00!

If you want to join in....email me ASAP and I am open to payment arrangements. Give yourself the GIFT of nurturing and caring for yourself.

Why Do We Carry The Burden Of Shame?

Well, my friends.....there is no easy answer for this. Our feelings of shame can be as complicated at our relationships with our gay spouses/ex-spouses. It is very interesting how almost every straight spouse carries a burden of shame. We somehow manage to live in the closet with the secret and load up huge doses of shame. There are many reasons why we carry the burden of shame. Some of the obvious reasons may be the following:

* We may feel a need to protect our gay loved one.

* We may feel like we needed to be "better" or "try harder".....so, we take on some of the responsibility.

* We love our partner, so we absorb their shame and struggles.

* We may be ashamed of our choices in picking a mate....and blame ourselves for "not knowing".

* Many family members, friends and co-workers may not be gay friendly....so, we feel the need to keep the secret quiet....in fear of their reactions.

* Many people feel that it is a choice to be homosexual. When it is believed that it is a choice, straight spouses take on the shame and burden of it being their fault.

* Culturally, homosexuals are fighting and struggling for equal rights.....they are met with resistance from many people, governments and agencies. So, it isn't considered to be the "cultural norm" to be gay.

* We may feel embarrassed that our spouses are gay.

Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we take on the shame. The good news is...shame is not your burden to bear. The best way to release the shame is to build up your feelings of self-love and self-esteem. When we are more sure of who and what we are....more of the negative beliefs (such as shame) go away. Therefore, shame becomes something that no longer serves our needs. So, it is my wish for each of you to build up your self-esteem and self-love.

May you enter the journey of LOVING yourself....and find ways to nurture yourself. So, how can you start improving your self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem?

I Blamed Myself For Him Being Gay.....

Reflecting on my past has given me 20/20 vision. Today, I shudder to think that I actually thought I was the cause of our failed marriage and that I was the cause of him being gay! However, years ago, I carried a lot of the burden of my ex being gay. I stayed in the closet with him. I protected the secret too. I found ways to justify and defend his behaviors. Even though it became a very expensive price for me to pay....I remained in the closet.

The sad reality was......I was STILL living in the closet when and after I filed for divorce. Even though he had dished out years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I felt it was still my duty to protect him. His years of abuse had damaged me and out of FEAR I felt I needed to protect him. I felt the need to protect that he was gay and that he was an abuser.

I had come to believe I caused my ex to be gay. I took responsibility for him being gay and for the abuse. Unfortunately, I had the following thoughts:

a) I was not woman enough....or he would have loved me, had sex with me and not wanted other men.

b) I was ugly.......or he would have loved me and wanted to have been intimate with me.

c) Gay men don't get married....therefore, I must have caused him to be gay somehow.

d) On the days I didn't beat my self up for "not being enough" and causing him to be gay, I would tell myself that I was stupid for marrying someone gay. I should have known and because I didn't, it was my fault. So, I should have been smarter.

e) I was convinced that I "caused" him to abuse me. I must have said or done something that wasn't "right".

f) I needed to try harder because things were not going well.

g) I was lazy, it took a lot of work for a relationship to work...and I must not be doing enough.

h) I must have been lousy with sex, because if I was good...he would want me more.

i) I wasn't normal. I expected too much of him. I was too demanding.

j) In the beginning I wanted sex more than him....so, soon I believed I was over sexed and retreated. I allowed him to convince me that I had an abnormal....nymphomaniac sexual appetite.

Looking back, I know my thoughts were not accurate. No one caused my ex-husband to be gay, not even himself. It certainly was not my fault that my ex was gay.....or that he abused me. However, those thoughts were very true to me when I was living in the closet. My healing journey did not begin until I took baby steps out of the closet. Some days I was able to face the other side of the closet.....and other days, I remained in the closet with the door shut tight and locked. Somehow, each little victory of coming out of the closet gave me strength, clarity, and some short lived peace. The mini victories enabled me to stand in my own light and my own truth. Each day brought opportunities of self discovery.

May You Shower Yourself With Love......

I watched Oprah today. She had singer Mariah Carey on as a guest. I am somewhat of a Mariah Carey fan...but, honestly she isn't in my top ten. UNTIL today. Today Mariah Carey performed a remake of a Foreigner song, I Want to Know What Love Is. Mariah's rendition really tugged at my heart. I FELT the song. As she sung the song, I kept thinking....I wish every Straight Spouse out there would sing this song to themselves. As they sing this song to themselves.....may they visualize this as their higher self singing the song to them. And may you realize you can cultivate self-love.

As all Straight Spouses know, our self-love and self-esteem usually hits rock bottom when we discover that our husband is gay. It is a very lonely and loveless feeling. So, shower yourself in self-love and enjoy this clip.

Mariah Carey

I Want to Know What Love Is

From her new album, Memoirs of an imperfect Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS_ZJj79-9M

UPDATES and New Scheduled Workshops

I have a couple of announcements for this blog. The first announcement is.....I am looking for guests to post every now and then. I would like to open the floor to people's different experiences about being in a straight/gay marriage or long term relationship. So, if you are interested.....email me or post a comment. If you want to stay anonymous, I am open to that too. I will post your writing...or you are welcome to use a "pen name". I am also looking for LOVING and NON-JUDGMENTAL professionals to guest post in areas that covers Spiritual issues/ Religious issues, Health issues, and Mental Health issues. I am wishing to include useful information on this blog that covers all the bases of Mind, Body and Spirit in relation to Straight/Gay relationships. So, if you are interested, please contact me via email. MistiLynnHall@aol.com

The second thing I would like to announce is...I really want this blog to be full of helpful information and resources. So, if you have read a great book on the topic...or found an amazing resource...post it in the comments. I will soon figure out how to navigate this blog...and have links to resources.

Lastly, I would like to let you know that I have just added two new online/telephone workshops. I am getting great reviews from my current workshop participants. I am honored to be able to bring women together on conference calls to allow them to share their pain, triumphs, fears, love....everything...nothing held back! The greatest part...the participants can do this with anonymity and from the comforts of their own home. The only requirements for taking one of my online/telephone workshops is that you are able to make long distance phone calls one time per week....and you have access to a computer (and have very basic computer knowledge).

I will be starting two new workshops in October. The workshops are called "Picking Up The Pieces" and "Transformations". Both of the workshops will last for 6 weeks.

"Picking Up the Pieces" workshop is best for those that have recently discovered their spouse is gay.....all the way up to a year (or more) after discovery. This main focus of this workshop is "picking up the pieces" and exploring options for your future. As well as, self-esteem and self-love building activities.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 6,2009 @ 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group conference call for 6 consecutive Tuesdays.

Cost: $150.00

"Transformations" is the other workshop I will be offering in October. This workshop is designed for the straight spouse that has been separated/divorced for more than a year. We will be focusing on honoring your past while discovering and celebrating your new beginnings!
This workshop is designed for those that have moved forward….yet are wishing for support in their present and future relationships with themselves and others. This workshop will focus more on self-love, self-esteem, self discovery, and confidence building....to repair the residue left from your straight/gay relationship. It is recommended that you have been out of the Straight/Gay relationship for a year or more before signing up for this workshop.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 14, 2009 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group telephone conference call for 6 consecutive Wednesdays.

Cost: $150.00

For more info check out this link: http://straightspousecoachingpackages.blogspot.com/

Important note to all...these are Life Coaching Workshops. These workshops and services are NOT meant to be a substitute for Medical and Mental Health services.

If you have any questions about the workshops...please contact me via email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com). If you are having trouble figuring out which workshop to join...send me an email and we will discuss it further. As always...wishing you LOVE, HEALING and A RETURN TO HOPE.....

Misti

Far From HEAVEN

Far From Heaven is a great movie. Surprisingly, I had not heard about the movie...nor do I remember it being advertised. For some reason it did not get the exposure like Broke Back Mountain. A friend of mine suggested that I watch the movie and sent me a copy to view. I was very impressed with the movie. Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid and Dennis Haysbert do an excellent job in the movie. If you have not seen Far From Heaven and you are a Straight Spouse...I suggest that you to watch it. In my opinion the movie actually portrays some of the Straight Spouse struggles that is often ignored by Hollywood. The following is what Wikipedia.com says about the movie ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_from_Heaven ):

Set in suburban 1950s Connecticut, the film is about Cathy Whitaker (Julianne Moore), the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker. Cathy is married to Frank (Dennis Quaid), a successful executive at Magnatech. The film begins when Cathy gets a phone call from the local police and her husband is put on the line. He says it's all a mix up but they won't let him leave alone. Cathy is preparing for her annual party with her best friend, Eleanor Fine (Patricia Clarkson). One day, Cathy spies an unknown black man walking through her garden. He turns out to be Raymond Deagon (Dennis Haysbert), the son of Cathy's late gardener.
Frank is soon being forced to stay late at the office, swamped with work. One evening, however, we see him enter a bar. Meanwhile, Cathy and Raymond develop a friendship. On one particular night, when Frank is working late, Cathy decides to wrap up his dinner and take it to him. She walks in on him passionately kissing another man. Frank confesses having had "problems" as a young man, and agrees to see psychiatrist Dr. Bowman (James Rebhorn) in the hope of being "converted back" to heterosexuality. His relationship with Cathy is irreparably strained, however, and he turns to alcohol. Unable to comprehend the destruction of her marriage, Cathy turns to Raymond for comfort. She sees him at an art show, where she spends much of her day talking to him, setting the town ablaze with gossip.
As Cathy sees her once idyllic world falling apart, she begins to fall in love with Raymond, and their evident relationship has unpleasant consequences for him and his daughter. At the same time, Frank, unable to suppress his homosexual desires, falls in love with another man and seeks a divorce from Cathy.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about Far From Heaven. Also, if you have not seen the movie, I would like to pass it forward to a Straight Spouse. So, if you are also willing to pass it forward to another Straight Spouse, leave a comment or send me an email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com) and it will go to the first that responds.

Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop Update

There are a couple of spots still open for the upcoming telephone/online workshop for Straight Spouses. I will be able to keep registration open the remainder of the week. Please join us. If you have any questions, feel free to email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com

May a beautiful life be unfolding for you!

Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop

Announcing a Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop via Internet/Telephone

Know that you don’t have to face this journey alone.
Please join us for an online/telephone Straight Spouse Coaching workshop.
This workshop is facilitated by Misti Hall of
StraightSpouseCoaching.blogspot.com

What: 6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses.
Starts: August 31, 09 @ 8:30-10:00PM Eastern Time Zone and it will meet 6 consecutive Mondays (excluding Labor Day, Sept. 7, 09).
What to expect: This workshop will offer a safe space for refuge. As well as, exercises and activities to build your Self Esteem. You will be able to connect with others that have successfully transformed themselves and are living a beautiful life after they made the discovery of having a gay husband.

Price: $150.00 for full 6 weeks course.

The course includes free email support during the class, individual feedback on assignments, small class size (max. 8) & a one on one 30 minute scheduled follow up phone call. Payment plans and one 50% off scholarship available if financial need can be demonstrated. Please email me with any questions/comments. MistiLynnHall@aol.com

Materials required for course: Bonnie Kaye’s book, Straight Talk (available at Amazon.com), a journal and/or assortment of heavy paper, magic markers, pens, access to a computer, basic computer knowledge, access to a phone (long distant charges may apply, depending on your long distance service agreement).

Additional materials that will be useful, not mandatory: Digital camera to take pictures of your work to post.

Please note: This class is not designed to replace medical and/or mental health.

If you are already out of a gay/straight marriage (or relationship) this class can be customized for your current needs. If you are wishing to focus more on your future goals, self esteem, etc. the class activities and homework can be customized to fit your needs. For example, some may be more interested in how to rebuild their life after a straight/gay marriage has ended. Others may have been out of a straight/gay marriage for an extended period of time, yet are looking for a group where someone understands their past. All of you will be welcome in this group. If you have made the decision to remain in your straight/gay marriage (relationship), this workshop is not designed to fit those needs.

Lastly, if you are currently seeing a therapist, I am willing to work in conjunction with your therapist while you are enrolled in the workshop. You and your therapist will need to decide if the workshop is a fit for your needs and I will provide feedback to your therapist. Contact me for further instructions/paperwork if you are currently seeing a therapist.

For additional information http://straightspousecoachingpackages.blogspot.com/

An Interesting Article.....

Being in the professional mental health field...and a former spouse to a gay husband...I am happy to see this article. I do believe it is a step in the right direction. Regardless of your personal beliefs...I do believe this is a fairly "balanced" article. Please feel free to comment with your own opinion.

"Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090805/ap_on_re_us/us_psychologists_gays

Interview with Bonnie Kaye

Hello,

I am excited to present this interview. Bonnie Kaye has been involved in helping thousands and thousands of Straight and Gay Spouses. She has dedicated herself tirelessly to the Straight/Gay population. I respect and appreciate Bonnie Kaye's no nonsense advice. Like many of us...Bonnie Kaye learned about Straight/Gay marriages the hard way. She was married to gay man.....she has survived and thrived after the tragedy.

Hi Bonnie,
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.

MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?

After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.

MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?

I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.

MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?

First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.

MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?

A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.


MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?

This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.

MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?

I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.


MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?

I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.

MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.

I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.

MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?

My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.

MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?

My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.

MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!

You are quite welcome. The only therapist I truly feel confident in recommending to is you, Misti Hall. If anyone can move women out of this darkness into the light, it’s you!

MH: Thank you...with love and appreciation.

Did I make him Gay? Did I make her Lesbian?

NO.

YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GAY OR LESBIAN!

Please reread that statement as many times as you need to. You do not have the power or control to make your spouse/partner gay or lesbian. Unfortunately, I hear this question more often than I want to. Shamefully, I admit that I had the very question running through my own head when I discovered that my now ex was/is gay.....Did I make him gay??

If you question (ed) yourself, as I did....possibly you can gain some insight from my experience. As I reflect on my past, I think many things led me to question myself about any influence I had in causing my ex being gay. For example, my ex continually made derogatory and self esteem shattering comments to me. I internalized the comments and allowed my self-esteem to plummet. I was told often that it was "my fault that we fought", it was "my fault that his head hurt", it was "my fault that the house was never clean enough", it was "my fault that the dogs or cats had made a mess", it was "my fault we didn't have sex because I stunk" (yes, that was really a comment from him), it was "my fault that I made him scream at me", it was "my fault things went wrong because I was so stupid", etc. Finally I thought it was my fault because the sky was blue!!

Not only did I allow my ex to beat down my self esteem, I further assaulted my self esteem by taking some unsolicited comments from friends and family to heart. Once I filed for divorce, many people were eager to offer advice and give comments. I actually had someone ask, "how did you make him gay?" Additional comments were, "gay men don't get married", "there are no gay men in "small town", KY". Needless to say, the comments were very hurtful.

Lastly, homosexuality is such a hot topic in our society. Some people believe homosexuality is a choice, others believe it something you are born with and not a choice. Unfortunately, conflicting research is abundant! To further cloud the homosexuality debate, pour some religion on it......to further fuel the fire of confusion. Considering all the above, how could anyone think with clarity???

Taking everything into consideration....how on earth could I not accept blame with making my ex gay? Fortunately, I only shrouded myself with this belief shortly. Thankfully, I was surrounded by a few wise friends and family members. As well as, influenced by the grace of God. All of it combined allowed me to offset the hurtful comments from my ex and others. Soon after I realized that I had NO control over my ex's sexual behavior or preference. I had NO choice over who or how many he slept with. I could not have made him gay.

This topic may sound silly to many people. However, the question.....Did I make him gay/Did I make her lesbian, is a real question that straight spouses struggle with and seek to find an answer for. It is a question that leads to many nights of tossing and turning. It is a question that creates many tears. It is a question that serves the straight spouses an extra dose of guilt. Mostly, it is a question that no one should have to seek an answer for.

If you are a straight spouse, please seek support that is helpful. Remember, not all friends, family members, therapists and/or clergy will be helpful in this matter. It is not that they want to intentionally cause harm to the straight spouses. It is my belief that many people do not understand the impact or the dynamics of a straight/gay relationship. So, make sure you are seeking helpful...not hurtful support.

As always...I wish you the best on this journey.

The Moment of Discovery

The moment of discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian can be devastating and something that is forever etched into your soul. It is something that every straight spouse can tell you...EXACTLY where they were, what they were wearing, who was (if anyone) with them, the exact day/time, etc. It is branded into our brain...yet, a revelation (that our spouse is gay/lesbian) we often struggle to wrap our brain around. It is more than a disappointment, it goes much deeper than that. It is a complicated situation at best. No one wants to find out that their spouse is gay/lesbian.

Discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian opens a huge Pandora's Box. Often times it will yield more questions than answers. Many of the questions you may never find an answer for. Some spouses will never admit their sexual preference. Which may lead to the straight spouse further doubting themselves and feeling more guilt and uncertainty.

However, the discovery can also make pieces of the puzzle fit. For example, when I discovered my now ex was/is gay, things finally started making sense to me. I felt like the "missing" piece to the puzzle was finally found! Even though it was a very painful discovery, I was relieved to figure out that I wasn't "crazy" for my suspicions. Unfortunately, my now ex did not admit to being gay. It only angered him and his abuse escalated. I allowed his abuse to push me deeper into the closet....where I remained in silence for almost three miserable years. During those three years I denied every red flag. Denial was my best form of self preservation and survival.

It is also important to note that all straight/gay marriages do not unfold like mine. Some spouses will admit to being gay/lesbian when their spouse makes the "discovery". Other gay/lesbian spouses may make the admission to their straight spouse before being "discovered". Some of those gay/lesbian spouses will also seek counseling with the straight spouse to begin untangling the web of a gay/straight marriage. Ideally straight/gay partners will seek some sort of professional counseling to sort out how to move forward.

Wishing you the best on this journey. It is not an easy journey....however, there is life after a straight/gay marriage and it is survivable.

Welcome

Welcome to Straight Spouse Coaching. If you found this blog...I want to give you a warm welcome. Chances are, you never thought you would be looking for Straight Spouse support. Neither did I. It is not something that any of us planned for when we envisioned our marriages as being "happily ever after".

Discovering that our spouse/partner is gay is heartbreaking. It is more than a "bump in the road" for a relationship. Unfortunately there are lots of people, professional and lay, that give not-so-great advice to Straight Spouses. Therefore, I decided that it was time for me to offer Straight Spouse Coaching to a larger audience. It was not an easy decision to "go public" with this blog and coaching. However, being divorced from a gay man for nearly ten years...I know it is now time to pursue helping other Straight Spouses move beyond the tragedy of "discovery" and into a great life.

This blog (and it's content) is NOT a replacement for therapy. Even though I have a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, I do not feel it is of good practice to offer therapy over the phone and/or online. Therefore, this blog and the workshops offered are considered to be more of a "coaching" nature vs. therapy. If you need therapy, please seek a qualified therapist in your area where you can have face to face sessions.

My vision is to offer compassionate support for Straight Spouses that are going through the crisis of discovering their loved one is gay. The purpose of this blog is to be a safe haven for Straight Spouses to seek support and to find resources for their journey. As well as to announce my upcoming online/telephone coaching workshops.

Wishing you a beautiful life,
Misti Hall