NO.
YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GAY OR LESBIAN!
Please reread that statement as many times as you need to. You do not have the power or control to make your spouse/partner gay or lesbian. Unfortunately, I hear this question more often than I want to. Shamefully, I admit that I had the very question running through my own head when I discovered that my now ex was/is gay.....Did I make him gay??
If you question (ed) yourself, as I did....possibly you can gain some insight from my experience. As I reflect on my past, I think many things led me to question myself about any influence I had in causing my ex being gay. For example, my ex continually made derogatory and self esteem shattering comments to me. I internalized the comments and allowed my self-esteem to plummet. I was told often that it was "my fault that we fought", it was "my fault that his head hurt", it was "my fault that the house was never clean enough", it was "my fault that the dogs or cats had made a mess", it was "my fault we didn't have sex because I stunk" (yes, that was really a comment from him), it was "my fault that I made him scream at me", it was "my fault things went wrong because I was so stupid", etc. Finally I thought it was my fault because the sky was blue!!
Not only did I allow my ex to beat down my self esteem, I further assaulted my self esteem by taking some unsolicited comments from friends and family to heart. Once I filed for divorce, many people were eager to offer advice and give comments. I actually had someone ask, "how did you make him gay?" Additional comments were, "gay men don't get married", "there are no gay men in "small town", KY". Needless to say, the comments were very hurtful.
Lastly, homosexuality is such a hot topic in our society. Some people believe homosexuality is a choice, others believe it something you are born with and not a choice. Unfortunately, conflicting research is abundant! To further cloud the homosexuality debate, pour some religion on it......to further fuel the fire of confusion. Considering all the above, how could anyone think with clarity???
Taking everything into consideration....how on earth could I not accept blame with making my ex gay? Fortunately, I only shrouded myself with this belief shortly. Thankfully, I was surrounded by a few wise friends and family members. As well as, influenced by the grace of God. All of it combined allowed me to offset the hurtful comments from my ex and others. Soon after I realized that I had NO control over my ex's sexual behavior or preference. I had NO choice over who or how many he slept with. I could not have made him gay.
This topic may sound silly to many people. However, the question.....Did I make him gay/Did I make her lesbian, is a real question that straight spouses struggle with and seek to find an answer for. It is a question that leads to many nights of tossing and turning. It is a question that creates many tears. It is a question that serves the straight spouses an extra dose of guilt. Mostly, it is a question that no one should have to seek an answer for.
If you are a straight spouse, please seek support that is helpful. Remember, not all friends, family members, therapists and/or clergy will be helpful in this matter. It is not that they want to intentionally cause harm to the straight spouses. It is my belief that many people do not understand the impact or the dynamics of a straight/gay relationship. So, make sure you are seeking helpful...not hurtful support.
As always...I wish you the best on this journey.
One thing I've never done is blame myself for "making" him gay. However, I do blame myself for letting him bully me all these years. And I definitely blame him for taking advantage of my good nature and trusting spirit so he could cheat all these years. I can imagine him laughing about it. But guess who'll be laughing once the divorce is final? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about the bullying. Unfortunately, I allowed it for many years too. I didn't realize how dangerous of a situation I was in until I was out of the marriage. I appreciate your comment and thank you for bringing attention to it. Many people do not understand the abuse (emotional and/or physical)that goes on "inside the closet". Wish you the best on this journey. Take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.
ReplyDeleteThank you for mentioning that not every therapist is good for these cases. Frequenting a marital counsellor who was aware of my situation, husband watching huge amounts of gay porn, lying about his dates with gay men and all this stuff you undoubtedly know, he told me seriously that maybe I should be really loosing some weight, buing some sexy clothes... so that I brought new, fresh air to our sexual life. My God! I lost 67lbs, without my husband noticing it! I was fit and excercising, wearing sexy underwear and paying visits to my hairdresser, when I was getting married. Later on, I understood that all this is meaningless - no matter how I look like, any time he has a choice, he´ll look at a man instead of looking at me, no matter what I do, he´ll never tell me "you look great" or "you´re beautiful" or even "you´re pretty"... Then, visiting a therapist, I´ve heard again confirmation of my husband´s opinion (pronounced or unpronounced): you are just too fat, just too ugly, just not enough sexy to attract him... maybe it is really just your fault, think about it. And I did, of course, you do think about the things a terapist tells you.
ReplyDeleteI guess I don´t have to tell you what consequences this had to my already damaged self-esteeem... So again, THANK YOU for mentioning that some therapists really don´t understand that a straight/gay marriage works on absolutely different rules.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. This is the same story of so many Straight Wives. It is NOT YOU. As you said, you can try everything under the sun, without notice to your gay/bi-sexual husband. I would say to keep searching for a professional that will work with YOU. Helping you to improve YOUR quality of life and one that will help YOU improve your self-esteem. So, you can move forward into a beautiful life. Because you deserve a beautiful life.