Hello,
I am excited to present this interview. Bonnie Kaye has been involved in helping thousands and thousands of Straight and Gay Spouses. She has dedicated herself tirelessly to the Straight/Gay population. I respect and appreciate Bonnie Kaye's no nonsense advice. Like many of us...Bonnie Kaye learned about Straight/Gay marriages the hard way. She was married to gay man.....she has survived and thrived after the tragedy.
Hi Bonnie,
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.
MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?
After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.
MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?
I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.
MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?
First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.
MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?
A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.
MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?
This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.
MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?
I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.
MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?
I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.
MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.
I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.
MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?
My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.
MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?
My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.
MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.
MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?
After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.
MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?
I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.
MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?
First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.
MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?
A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.
MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?
This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.
MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?
I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.
MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?
I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.
MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.
I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.
MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?
My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.
MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?
My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.
MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!
You are quite welcome. The only therapist I truly feel confident in recommending to is you, Misti Hall. If anyone can move women out of this darkness into the light, it’s you!
MH: Thank you...with love and appreciation.
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