The moment of discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian can be devastating and something that is forever etched into your soul. It is something that every straight spouse can tell you...EXACTLY where they were, what they were wearing, who was (if anyone) with them, the exact day/time, etc. It is branded into our brain...yet, a revelation (that our spouse is gay/lesbian) we often struggle to wrap our brain around. It is more than a disappointment, it goes much deeper than that. It is a complicated situation at best. No one wants to find out that their spouse is gay/lesbian.
Discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian opens a huge Pandora's Box. Often times it will yield more questions than answers. Many of the questions you may never find an answer for. Some spouses will never admit their sexual preference. Which may lead to the straight spouse further doubting themselves and feeling more guilt and uncertainty.
However, the discovery can also make pieces of the puzzle fit. For example, when I discovered my now ex was/is gay, things finally started making sense to me. I felt like the "missing" piece to the puzzle was finally found! Even though it was a very painful discovery, I was relieved to figure out that I wasn't "crazy" for my suspicions. Unfortunately, my now ex did not admit to being gay. It only angered him and his abuse escalated. I allowed his abuse to push me deeper into the closet....where I remained in silence for almost three miserable years. During those three years I denied every red flag. Denial was my best form of self preservation and survival.
It is also important to note that all straight/gay marriages do not unfold like mine. Some spouses will admit to being gay/lesbian when their spouse makes the "discovery". Other gay/lesbian spouses may make the admission to their straight spouse before being "discovered". Some of those gay/lesbian spouses will also seek counseling with the straight spouse to begin untangling the web of a gay/straight marriage. Ideally straight/gay partners will seek some sort of professional counseling to sort out how to move forward.
Wishing you the best on this journey. It is not an easy journey....however, there is life after a straight/gay marriage and it is survivable.
Thanks for discussing the problem of what happens when they NEVER admit the obvious. My ex is still doing that - 10 years after divorce, and a 15 year marriage. What is weird is when THEY don't admit it, other people will deny your own reality to your face as well. You become unwelcome for raising your children in honesty.
ReplyDeleteI found a lot of support through the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org)- it was the ONLY place where I could talk about this and get affirmation that is still lacking among family and former friends. Counseling at that time was really inadequate - counselors don't understand the straight spouses need for affirmation, confirmation, and a sense that we still inhabit the same universe.
Good for you to be doing this. Help for straight spouses in the counseling profession is sorely needed and greatly lacking - and there's a whole lot of crazy agenda setting responses out there instead.
Thanks Janet!
ReplyDeleteI am happy to hear that you found support through StraightSpouse.org.
It is my intention to be a fair representative voice for the Straight Spouse...as well as, offer coaching that I wish I could have found before/during my divorce.
I hope your journey is going great and wishing you a beautiful life.
Misti