Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Interview with Bonnie Kaye



Hello,

I am excited to present this interview. Bonnie Kaye has been involved in helping thousands and thousands of Straight and Gay Spouses. She has dedicated herself tirelessly to the Straight/Gay population. I respect and appreciate Bonnie Kaye's no nonsense advice. Like many of us...Bonnie Kaye learned about Straight/Gay marriages the hard way. She was married to gay man.....she has survived and thrived after the tragedy.



Hi Bonnie,
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.

MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?

After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.

MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?

I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.

MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?

First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.

MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?

A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.


MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?

This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.

MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?

I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.


MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?

I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.

MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.

I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.

MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?

My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.

MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?

My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.

MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!


You are quite welcome. The only therapist I truly feel confident in recommending to is you, Misti Hall. If anyone can move women out of this darkness into the light, it’s you!

MH: Thank you...with love and appreciation.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Did I make him Gay? Did I make her Lesbian?




NO.




YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GAY OR LESBIAN!



Please reread that statement as many times as you need to. You do not have the power or control to make your spouse/partner gay or lesbian. Unfortunately, I hear this question more often than I want to. Shamefully, I admit that I had the very question running through my own head when I discovered that my now ex was/is gay.....Did I make him gay??


If you question (ed) yourself, as I did....possibly you can gain some insight from my experience. As I reflect on my past, I think many things led me to question myself about any influence I had in causing my ex being gay. For example, my ex continually made derogatory and self esteem shattering comments to me. I internalized the comments and allowed my self-esteem to plummet. I was told often that it was "my fault that we fought", it was "my fault that his head hurt", it was "my fault that the house was never clean enough", it was "my fault that the dogs or cats had made a mess", it was "my fault we didn't have sex because I stunk" (yes, that was really a comment from him), it was "my fault that I made him scream at me", it was "my fault things went wrong because I was so stupid", etc. Finally I thought it was my fault because the sky was blue!!


Not only did I allow my ex to beat down my self esteem, I further assaulted my self esteem by taking some unsolicited comments from friends and family to heart. Once I filed for divorce, many people were eager to offer advice and give comments. I actually had someone ask, "how did you make him gay?" Additional comments were, "gay men don't get married", "there are no gay men in "small town", KY". Needless to say, the comments were very hurtful.


Lastly, homosexuality is such a hot topic in our society. Some people believe homosexuality is a choice, others believe it something you are born with and not a choice. Unfortunately, conflicting research is abundant! To further cloud the homosexuality debate, pour some religion on it......to further fuel the fire of confusion. Considering all the above, how could anyone think with clarity???


Taking everything into consideration....how on earth could I not accept blame with making my ex gay? Fortunately, I only shrouded myself with this belief shortly. Thankfully, I was surrounded by a few wise friends and family members. As well as, influenced by the grace of God. All of it combined allowed me to offset the hurtful comments from my ex and others. Soon after I realized that I had NO control over my ex's sexual behavior or preference. I had NO choice over who or how many he slept with. I could not have made him gay.


This topic may sound silly to many people. However, the question.....Did I make him gay/Did I make her lesbian, is a real question that straight spouses struggle with and seek to find an answer for. It is a question that leads to many nights of tossing and turning. It is a question that creates many tears. It is a question that serves the straight spouses an extra dose of guilt. Mostly, it is a question that no one should have to seek an answer for.


If you are a straight spouse, please seek support that is helpful. Remember, not all friends, family members, therapists and/or clergy will be helpful in this matter. It is not that they want to intentionally cause harm to the straight spouses. It is my belief that many people do not understand the impact or the dynamics of a straight/gay relationship. So, make sure you are seeking helpful...not hurtful support.


As always...I wish you the best on this journey.

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Moment of Discovery


The moment of discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian can be devastating and something that is forever etched into your soul. It is something that every straight spouse can tell you...EXACTLY where they were, what they were wearing, who was (if anyone) with them, the exact day/time, etc. It is branded into our brain...yet, a revelation (that our spouse is gay/lesbian) we often struggle to wrap our brain around. It is more than a disappointment, it goes much deeper than that. It is a complicated situation at best. No one wants to find out that their spouse is gay/lesbian.


Discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian opens a huge Pandora's Box. Often times it will yield more questions than answers. Many of the questions you may never find an answer for. Some spouses will never admit their sexual preference. Which may lead to the straight spouse further doubting themselves and feeling more guilt and uncertainty.


However, the discovery can also make pieces of the puzzle fit. For example, when I discovered my now ex was/is gay, things finally started making sense to me. I felt like the "missing" piece to the puzzle was finally found! Even though it was a very painful discovery, I was relieved to figure out that I wasn't "crazy" for my suspicions. Unfortunately, my now ex did not admit to being gay. It only angered him and his abuse escalated. I allowed his abuse to push me deeper into the closet....where I remained in silence for almost three miserable years. During those three years I denied every red flag. Denial was my best form of self preservation and survival.


It is also important to note that all straight/gay marriages do not unfold like mine. Some spouses will admit to being gay/lesbian when their spouse makes the "discovery". Other gay/lesbian spouses may make the admission to their straight spouse before being "discovered". Some of those gay/lesbian spouses will also seek counseling with the straight spouse to begin untangling the web of a gay/straight marriage. Ideally straight/gay partners will seek some sort of professional counseling to sort out how to move forward.

Wishing you the best on this journey. It is not an easy journey....however, there is life after a straight/gay marriage and it is survivable.


Monday, July 13, 2009

Welcome

Welcome to Straight Spouse Coaching. If you found this blog...I want to give you a warm welcome. Chances are, you never thought you would be looking for Straight Spouse support. Neither did I. It is not something that any of us planned for when we envisioned our marriages as being "happily ever after".

Discovering that our spouse/partner is gay is heartbreaking. It is more than a "bump in the road" for a relationship. Unfortunately there are lots of people, professional and lay, that give not-so-great advice to Straight Spouses. Therefore, I decided that it was time for me to offer Straight Spouse Coaching to a larger audience. It was not an easy decision to "go public" with this blog and coaching. However, being divorced from a gay man for nearly ten years...I know it is now time to pursue helping other Straight Spouses move beyond the tragedy of "discovery" and into a great life.

This blog (and it's content) is NOT a replacement for therapy. Even though I have a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, I do not feel it is of good practice to offer therapy over the phone and/or online. Therefore, this blog and the workshops offered are considered to be more of a "coaching" nature vs. therapy. If you need therapy, please seek a qualified therapist in your area where you can have face to face sessions.

My vision is to offer compassionate support for Straight Spouses that are going through the crisis of discovering their loved one is gay. The purpose of this blog is to be a safe haven for Straight Spouses to seek support and to find resources for their journey. As well as to announce my upcoming online/telephone coaching workshops.

Wishing you a beautiful life,
Misti Hall