Seven Years Straight

Dear Readers,
I would like to give a warm welcome to our Straight Wife contributing writer, PJ. PJ is a Straight Wife that knows the heartache, pain and suffering that comes along with unknowingly marrying a gay man. PJ thank you for your honesty and helping other Straight Wife readers with your story.
Love and many blessings to all,
Misti


Seven years ago this month I was a bride in love, marrying the man of my dreams, and the wedding photos certainly convey images of happily ever after. I had taken my time to remarry, about twelve years because marriage was a sacred, holy vow and I knew this time it was forever. Besides, I had done a lot of self improvement work in the years following my divorce and felt I had my life together as a mature and wiser woman of 44. I was comfortable in my own skin and with living alone. I trusted that I had done the work to attract a loving, trusting relationship with a man who would love, honor and cherish me if that’s what I wanted for my life.

Only hours after exchanging those vows on a beautiful autumn day, I sensed a shift in my newly wedded husband. He wasn’t at all interested in having the reception party end or get to our honeymoon suite for our own private toast. I justified it because it was his first wedding, a 40 year old bachelor celebrating his long-awaited day; one that he had shared with so many friends as their best man throughout the years. (Besides, we’d been living together as a couple for the past year, so why not let him celebrate?) Eventually, in the early morning hours, he invited a few close friends to join us in our suite for yet another bottle of champagne. One friend in particular (whom I’d only met once before) continued to drink with my husband until it was clear he was unable to drive. To my astonishment, my husband asked me if the friend could sleep on the sofa in our suite. Of course I did! I tried to dismiss it with the fact that he also was drunk and not thinking clearly, but what I couldn’t dismiss was that I felt invisible and second to his friend. Fortunately, a couple intervened and took the friend to their home. We carried on with our wedding night, robotically, with the passion of the plastic bride and groom wedding cake topper. I never spoke of how uncomfortable I was on my wedding night with anyone. A couple of days later we left for our honeymoon in Paris. It would be the third night there, in the most romantic city in the world, before we would have sex again and the only time of the trip. I realize now it was just sex and never love-making. I convinced myself at the time it was, because to not, would have been unbearable. After all, HE was the man of my dreams, my soul mate for life. Surely the man of my dreams understood my desires, and wanted to fulfill them. Just as I wanted to fulfill his dreams as the wife he’d waited 40 years to marry. He just needed time and I just needed patience.

Why would I always recall our wedding night with such a strange chill and sensation? Was my wedding night a blessing or curse because I was given insight so soon of things to come in this marriage? I have struggled with those questions for the past seven years. Only recently I’ve come to learn my marriage is almost a text book case of a gay husband in deep denial of his homosexuality. There has been no shortage of red flags waving while I’ve been maintaining a white picket fence around my own denial. The alcoholism, constant job changes, drama, defensiveness, entitlement, and the tactics to become either distant or create a fight rather than be intimate with me. But of course, this was either my imagination or my fault and there was no apology large enough to make it right.

In my search for truth and honesty about our marriage, I have to acknowledge plenty of good times together. My husband can be incredibly funny and charming. There have tender and kind moments from the same man who is a mean alcoholic and narcissist. Were those times that felt so genuine and real just a big lie? Were they the accessories to the package deal sold to me during the two years before the walk down the isle of denial? All my spiritual teachings emphasize focusing on the good that is present in everyone to create more good. Perfect reasoning to ignore the bad behavior of the man I no longer recognized as the one I fell in love with. It seemed that the more I focused on his good qualities and worthiness, the angrier he became. He drank more and became even more distant. It defied all that made sense in a loving and intimate relationship between a man and woman. I felt like I was like trying to change the order of the seasons just to co-exist. Forced to my knees countless times, I have prayed for an absolute, conclusive event exposing his lie so we could just have one big fight and end what should have never began. I’ve wanted a fast marital death, not years on life support.

I do have reason to celebrate my seven year anniversary; if for no other reason than to be grateful for the truth and my decision to accept it even if my gay husband cannot. I realize there’s plenty of pain to go along with it, but I get to choose the length of suffering. I’ve earned that right. A close friend of mine, who has experienced a good deal of her own pain, has a saying when she thinks she is feeling sorry for herself. She’ll jokingly say “I guess I should get down off this cross so someone else can use the wood”. It makes me laugh every time. I have no doubt I’ll climb onto my own cross often while I grieve over my marriage or the illusion of one. And I will let myself, for however long it takes, until it’s no longer mine to climb or carry.
PJ -
A Straight Wife

Happy NEW YEAR!!

Dear Reader....

I want to wish you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR.

May your New Year be full of Love.

May your New Year be full of Fun Adventures.

May your New Year be full of Hope.

May your New Year be full of Peace.

May your New Year be full of great Health.

May your New Year be full of Laughter.

May your New Year be full of Beauty.

May your New Year be full of Blessings.

May your New Year be full of New Opportunities

May your New Year be full and Prosperous.

May your New Year be MAGNIFICENT!

You deserve all the best. My well wishes are with you and I hold each of you close to my heart. I am very thankful to work with many of you. I love every one of you. I know your circumstances and relationships are tough. I have been there too. It isn't easy...but, it is Survivable and YOU deserve only the best in your life. I BELIEVE IN YOU. May you have many blessings in 2010.

Saturday Seminar Teleclasses

Hello! I would like to "introduce" you to my new Saturday Seminars.
I will be conducting several Saturday Seminars (Teleclasses) throughout next year. The very first one will be conducted on January 2, 2010. The focus of the first Saturday Seminar will be on HEALING & GOAL SETTING for the New Year. Come join a group of Straight Spouses that are eager to change their life for the better. Start the New Year off in the right direction among a group of Straight Spouses that understand. This Telecourse will be beneficial for those currently in a Gay/Straight Marriage and those who are out of the Gay/Straight Relationship. After the Saturday Seminar is finished, I will hold an optional Question & Answer session for the participants. There will also be a bonus on the call. One random participant will receive a complimentary Straight Spouse Coaching session with me!

What: Saturday Seminar Teleclass
When: Saturday, January 2, 2010 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $25.00
Note: You will need access to a phone to call into the Teleclass.

Are you ready to for positive changes in your life? Are you ready for a wonderful New Year? If so, contact me MistiLynnHall@aol.com for questions, registration and payment arrangements. Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season. Give yourself this important gift! You deserve it.

Your Straight Spouse "Sister",
Misti Hall, M.S.

Announcements....STEPPING Into Some New Things.....

I would like to make a few announcements. Straight Spouse Coaching is stepping into some new directions and expanding services. First of all, lots of things have been going on behind the scenes at Straight Spouse Coaching. I have finally started a Newsletter. It is called Straight Spouse Sisters. The Newsletter is intended to be helpful for Straight Spouses and it addresses some of the struggles of Straight Spouses. There is so little information out there on our struggles...so, I thought it was time to start a Newsletter. I plan to offer the Newsletter at least 4 times per year. One for each season. If you would like to be on the mailing list, email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com .

I will also be offering some new classes and workshops in the upcoming New Year. Some of the new things I will be offering are...a membership email/network group, one day seminars in person and over the phone, monthly seminars focusing on specific topics, more guest blog posts, etc.

Last, but not least....I will be launching a Website in 2010! This has been a very exciting year for Straight Spouse Coaching and I am looking forward to 2010.

The BOOTS

I just HAD to buy the boots in the above photo. It was not an option to pass by them and leave them stranded on the shelf. They screamed out loud..."TAKE ME HOME". So, without much thought, I purchased the boots. I have had so much fun wearing them! They are not for the faint of heart. They definitely get attention...but, most importantly, they make me smile and I feel a sense of wonder when I have them on exploring the outdoors. Take time to have fun in your life. Go have some fun....If you are reading this blog...you probably need to infuse yourself with some goodness. As always....I wish you Hope, Joy and Love.

Stepping Forward

What a weekend!!! Bonnie Kaye and I facilitated a healing weekend in Miami for Straight Spouses. I must say....it was AMAZING. This large group of women were filled with compassion and love for each other. Each of them became instant friends due to the connection of having had (or currently having) a gay husband. Many of them, for the first time in their life, were able to share their struggles and triumphs among a group of women that truly understood. The pain was intense, but the healing presence was almost magical.

We are an amazing tribe of women worthy of all the best life has to offer. May you all STEP forward into that life filled with love, peace and joy. May you trust again....and forgive YOURSELF. You are worthy!

Stay tuned for additional weekend retreats.

Hugs and Love to all Straight Spouse Sisters out there.

Other People's Comments.....

WARNING....I am ready to get on my soap box. Why do people make so many inappropriate comments to the Straight Spouse? I have encountered many unsavory comments from people. In my Life Coaching practice I hear about terrible comments on a daily basis from my clients. Unfortunately, these comments sting like a bee and can be damaging.

Rule number 1....if you don't know what to say, don't say anything. My Mother taught me this when I was in kindergarten. Come on people....you can understand this one!

Rule number 2....don't give "expert" advice about a subject in which you have no experience. The old saying goes.....walk a mile in my shoes before you comment and/or pass judgment.

Rule number 3....if you are going to throw rocks at me.....at least make them heart shaped.

All this stems from a conversation I had a few days ago. I ran into an acquaintance while I was out running errands. We had a very enjoyable conversation....until she asked what I was doing professionally. I explained to the acquaintance that I do Life Coaching for Grief related issues and for Straight Spouses. She applauded me for my work and I thanked her. Then, it went down hill from there! She continued to tell me that she "knew from the first time she saw my ex-husband that he was gay". That comment wasn't enough...she proceeded to say, "Well you knew he was gay when you married him. You can tell by how gay he acted. I knew he was gay. It was so obvious he was gay." I didn't think her expert "gaydar" comments were ever going to end. Finally, after silently counting to ten....taking a big deep breath.....and in an attempt to numb the STING of her comments, I looked at her squarely in the face and said, "do you think I would knowingly marry someone that I knew was gay?"......"do you think any Straight Spouse wants that type of hardship?".

The conversation ended and we began talking about something else. Needless to say, I left the conversation with a STING. It irritates me when someone gives unsolicited "expert" comments. Who grants them the entitlement to say rude comments? Maybe I am more sensitive to rude comments because I am trained as a therapist. I am trained to respect other people and their life circumstances. I am trained to not give unsolicited "expert" advice. None the less, it offended me for all Straight Spouses out there.

When people make comments such as this....the underlying messages to Straight Spouses are......you should have known better.....you asked for it.....you were stupid...etc. Well, Straight Spouses are none of the above. Most Straight Spouses, unknowingly marry gay men or lesbians. They fell in love with someone and hoped for a wonderful future. They fell in love and had no idea of the hardships and heart break their marriage would bring.

So, before you offer someone your opinion or expert advice, think twice. Are you contributing something positive to the person...or could it possibly be offensive? Most of all, don't assume you know some one's story. Be compassionate and kind to others. And...don't be throwing rocks at people....we ALL live in glass houses.

Self-Esteem

Often times straight spouses have little to no self-esteem. Knowing that your spouse is gay can be very damaging to your self-esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic. Then add a gay spouse to mix.....it spells for disaster in the self-esteem department.

So, as a straight spouse, how can you rebuild your self-esteem? Thankfully, there are many things to rebuild your self-esteem, self-love, confidence, etc. First of all, start with the basics. The basics can be any form of self-nurturing practice. Some good self-nurturing habits can be....

Taking 5 minutes to do deep breathing/cleansing breaths, express your feelings by writing in a journal, create positive affirmations for yourself, take a walk out in nature...breathe the fresh air, exercise, eat wholesome foods, drink lots of water, try a new hair style, etc.

Often times we forget our basic needs while living in the jungle of life. It is especially important to practice self-love and self-nurture while navigating through your gay/straight relationship. The more you take care of yourself.....the faster your confidence, self-esteem and self-love will grow.

So, take time for yourself...you are worthy of self-care and self-love. Do something for yourself TODAY!

An Interesting Article.....

Being in the professional mental health field...and a former spouse to a gay husband...I am happy to see this article. I do believe it is a step in the right direction. Regardless of your personal beliefs...I do believe this is a fairly "balanced" article. Please feel free to comment with your own opinion.

"Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090805/ap_on_re_us/us_psychologists_gays

Interview with Bonnie Kaye

Hello,

I am excited to present this interview. Bonnie Kaye has been involved in helping thousands and thousands of Straight and Gay Spouses. She has dedicated herself tirelessly to the Straight/Gay population. I respect and appreciate Bonnie Kaye's no nonsense advice. Like many of us...Bonnie Kaye learned about Straight/Gay marriages the hard way. She was married to gay man.....she has survived and thrived after the tragedy.

Hi Bonnie,
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.

MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?

After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.

MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?

I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.

MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?

First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.

MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?

A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.


MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?

This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.

MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?

I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.


MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?

I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.

MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.

I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.

MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?

My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.

MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?

My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.

MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!

You are quite welcome. The only therapist I truly feel confident in recommending to is you, Misti Hall. If anyone can move women out of this darkness into the light, it’s you!

MH: Thank you...with love and appreciation.