Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian Straight Wives

Wanting to send out a Happy Thanksgiving to my dear Straight Wife friends that live in Canada. May each of you have something very special to be Thankful for on this holiday weekend. Remember...you are LOVED and you are MAGNIFICENT. May your life be filled with Celebration and Thanksgiving throughout the whole year.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

Seven Years Straight

Dear Readers,
I would like to give a warm welcome to our Straight Wife contributing writer, PJ. PJ is a Straight Wife that knows the heartache, pain and suffering that comes along with unknowingly marrying a gay man. PJ thank you for your honesty and helping other Straight Wife readers with your story.
Love and many blessings to all,
Misti


Seven years ago this month I was a bride in love, marrying the man of my dreams, and the wedding photos certainly convey images of happily ever after. I had taken my time to remarry, about twelve years because marriage was a sacred, holy vow and I knew this time it was forever. Besides, I had done a lot of self improvement work in the years following my divorce and felt I had my life together as a mature and wiser woman of 44. I was comfortable in my own skin and with living alone. I trusted that I had done the work to attract a loving, trusting relationship with a man who would love, honor and cherish me if that’s what I wanted for my life.

Only hours after exchanging those vows on a beautiful autumn day, I sensed a shift in my newly wedded husband. He wasn’t at all interested in having the reception party end or get to our honeymoon suite for our own private toast. I justified it because it was his first wedding, a 40 year old bachelor celebrating his long-awaited day; one that he had shared with so many friends as their best man throughout the years. (Besides, we’d been living together as a couple for the past year, so why not let him celebrate?) Eventually, in the early morning hours, he invited a few close friends to join us in our suite for yet another bottle of champagne. One friend in particular (whom I’d only met once before) continued to drink with my husband until it was clear he was unable to drive. To my astonishment, my husband asked me if the friend could sleep on the sofa in our suite. Of course I did! I tried to dismiss it with the fact that he also was drunk and not thinking clearly, but what I couldn’t dismiss was that I felt invisible and second to his friend. Fortunately, a couple intervened and took the friend to their home. We carried on with our wedding night, robotically, with the passion of the plastic bride and groom wedding cake topper. I never spoke of how uncomfortable I was on my wedding night with anyone. A couple of days later we left for our honeymoon in Paris. It would be the third night there, in the most romantic city in the world, before we would have sex again and the only time of the trip. I realize now it was just sex and never love-making. I convinced myself at the time it was, because to not, would have been unbearable. After all, HE was the man of my dreams, my soul mate for life. Surely the man of my dreams understood my desires, and wanted to fulfill them. Just as I wanted to fulfill his dreams as the wife he’d waited 40 years to marry. He just needed time and I just needed patience.

Why would I always recall our wedding night with such a strange chill and sensation? Was my wedding night a blessing or curse because I was given insight so soon of things to come in this marriage? I have struggled with those questions for the past seven years. Only recently I’ve come to learn my marriage is almost a text book case of a gay husband in deep denial of his homosexuality. There has been no shortage of red flags waving while I’ve been maintaining a white picket fence around my own denial. The alcoholism, constant job changes, drama, defensiveness, entitlement, and the tactics to become either distant or create a fight rather than be intimate with me. But of course, this was either my imagination or my fault and there was no apology large enough to make it right.

In my search for truth and honesty about our marriage, I have to acknowledge plenty of good times together. My husband can be incredibly funny and charming. There have tender and kind moments from the same man who is a mean alcoholic and narcissist. Were those times that felt so genuine and real just a big lie? Were they the accessories to the package deal sold to me during the two years before the walk down the isle of denial? All my spiritual teachings emphasize focusing on the good that is present in everyone to create more good. Perfect reasoning to ignore the bad behavior of the man I no longer recognized as the one I fell in love with. It seemed that the more I focused on his good qualities and worthiness, the angrier he became. He drank more and became even more distant. It defied all that made sense in a loving and intimate relationship between a man and woman. I felt like I was like trying to change the order of the seasons just to co-exist. Forced to my knees countless times, I have prayed for an absolute, conclusive event exposing his lie so we could just have one big fight and end what should have never began. I’ve wanted a fast marital death, not years on life support.

I do have reason to celebrate my seven year anniversary; if for no other reason than to be grateful for the truth and my decision to accept it even if my gay husband cannot. I realize there’s plenty of pain to go along with it, but I get to choose the length of suffering. I’ve earned that right. A close friend of mine, who has experienced a good deal of her own pain, has a saying when she thinks she is feeling sorry for herself. She’ll jokingly say “I guess I should get down off this cross so someone else can use the wood”. It makes me laugh every time. I have no doubt I’ll climb onto my own cross often while I grieve over my marriage or the illusion of one. And I will let myself, for however long it takes, until it’s no longer mine to climb or carry.
PJ -
A Straight Wife

Terry McMillan on the Oprah Show

If you are a Straight Wife I hope you were able to watch the Oprah show today. I am grateful that some light was shed for Straight Wives who have unknowingly married Gay men. Having experienced this personally and supporting women professionally as a life coach/therapist, this is a very REAL problem that lacks awareness. It is not an issue of being homophobic. The issues arise from a deep sense of betrayal. It is a betrayal that creates what I call a Soul Wound. It shakes the foundation and core of WHO and HOW you define (ed) yourself. There is limited support for Straight Wives. I hope this brings more awareness and support opportunities for Straight Wives. Thank you Terry McMillan for being so honest and open about being a Straight Wife!

A Day of Remembrance

Nine years ago today one of America's worst tragedies took place....9-11. It was a senseless act of horror that caused many lives to perish. May today be a day of REMEMBRANCE and HONOR for all Americans and especially those that lost loved ones. May today also be a day of HONOR for all of our Soldiers..past and present. Wishing healing and peace to all.

Hello Dear Friends,

As you can tell, I slowed down a bit to enjoy the summer. I have enjoyed visiting the mountains, splashing my feet in the ocean, visiting friends, visiting family, reading and doing my favorite past time...creating art. I found time to rejoice in the simple pleasures of life. As I tell all of my clients...IT IS THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO CREATING A MAGNIFICENT LIFE!!!

What are your simple pleasures?

What simple pleasure can you commit to this week?

Some ideas:

Sit by a body of water (an ocean, lake, river or pond) and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Make cupcakes and share them with friends.

Browse the bookstore and buy yourself a book to read.

Visit your local library and sign up for a free class.

Visit your local farmer's market and shop for ingredients for a new recipe.

Go to the movies...all by yourself!

Dance in the rain.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

July 4th...My INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!

Happy July 4th!!! This special holiday has many meanings for me. First of all, today is a very special day for our country. Today is a day of celebration and remembrance for declaring our independence from our Mother land. So, I always consider it USA's birthday. So, Happy Birthday to this great land of freedom and all the melting pot of people that live here...past and present.

Even more importantly, this celebration would not be complete without mentioning our soldiers. I also want to thank our soldiers and veterans for providing our freedom and protecting our people. Without you and your service....we would not have the freedoms that we have in this great land. So, THANK YOU and God Bless you and keep you safe.

Lastly, this great holiday is very significant to my own independence. Each July 4th I count my blessings of FREEDOM. On this very special day, I reflect over my past and realize how far I have come since I emancipated myself from a gay husband that became very violent and abusive over the years. My ex being gay was a small in comparison to the daily abuse and violence that I suffered.

Looking back over those years, I ask myself...."why did I stay?". The only answer I have is...I didn't realize how volatile the situation was because I was living and dancing inside the circle of crazy. When I was inside this circle of crazy, I became an expert at adapting to the environment and demands around me. I had to adapt to survive. Some days it literally meant life or death. On a good day I existed. On a bad day I dodged life-threatening abuse. I had no courage or strength to fight back. My life seemed worthless to him and to myself. I was blind to finding a way out. I had no courage or strength to fight back.

I prayed to God every night to help me out of the situation. I was beginning to think that my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Had I been a bad person to deserve this treatment? Was this my lot in life? Was this as good as life gets? FINALLY my Divine intervention arrived. However, not the way I had wished for or expected.

A chain of tragic events led to my Divine intervention. I was away on a trip visiting my Dad for his birthday. During the visit my dearest uncle passed away. He was young and it was very unexpected. The death of my uncle made me extend my trip "home". I staid for the funeral and it felt comfortable being "home" close to my roots and near my parents/family. Within a week of my uncle passing, my Dad had a near fatal car accident and I had to extend my stay even longer to help my Mom care for my Dad. While I was away from the now ex-husband, I realized that life was easier, even in the midst of my grief. There was a simpler way of life! A life that I didn't have to physically and emotionally protect myself around the clock. A life where people loved me and wanted me to be around them. It was on this trip that I allowed love to enter my life again. My uncle passing and my Dad nearly passing helped me to realize how important it is to feel love and be loved. Once I let the true love in, I truly had an awakening to the vividness of life and all the opportunities out there waiting for me. Within a few months, I secretly filed for divorce. The day I signed those divorce papers my life began. It was my INDEPENDENCE, my FREEDOM, my EMANCIPATION from abuse and a marriage that should have never been. It was my opportunity to fix a mistake...or mismarriage.

Reflecting back, I realize that I had many answered prayers and opportunities to leave. God had not turned a deaf ear to me. I lived in fear for so many years that I looked over many opportunities to leave. I was too busy dancing inside the circle of crazy.

So to all women out there, those married to abusive straight men or abusive gay men, live the life you deserve. Love was not meant to hurt or be life-threatening. L-E-A-V-E. No, it is not easy to leave. Most abusers make it difficult for their partners to leave a marriage or relationship. However, YOU CAN. You CAN. You CAN. Remember the children's story of the little train that could! Well, you can be that little train that could. It may take a plan...but, make that plan. There are Domestic Violence Shelters in or near every town in this great country we live. It may not be your posh..and cozy house, but, it can be protection and the gateway to a life full of opportunities minus the abuse. You deserve a magnificent life!

Enjoy this great INDEPENDENCE DAY...in a great country where we have amazing forefathers that have given us freedom and choices for men and WOMEN! Happy July 4th!!!

God bless,

Misti

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Happy Father's Day wishes would not be complete without me wishing my own Dad a big Happy Father's Day! So, Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I also want to remind Straight Wives out there that sometimes your own parents can be more supportive than you ever imagined. If you have good relationships with your family, do not underestimate the support and love they can give you during the "discovery period". My parent's helped me weather the storm that I thought I would have to walk alone. They helped carry me and my burdens.

Reflecting back on discovering that my ex-husband was/is gay....I was completely devastated. Initially I did not seek the support of my parents. I was embarrassed and assumed that they would not understand my pain, devastation and hurt. Well, I was WRONG. Thankfully, I finally found the courage to tell my parents that I was secretly filing for divorce and I needed their emotional support. My parents rose to the occasion and they supported me the WHOLE way.

They even understood that I could not "fix" my ex and transform him to being a Straight husband (this is HUGE because they belong to a very conservative church). They lovingly listened as I explained to them how I hid the physical and mental abuse. I told them everything....the double life my ex was leading, the affairs he was having and the abuse I experienced. They were shocked...but, not as shocked as I thought they would be. Being my parents they had sensed a strain in my marriage. They revealed to me that they knew things were not going well. However, they admitted that they had no idea of the physical and mental abuse I had gone through. But, shocking to me, they had suspected all along that my then husband was Gay.

Thankfully, my parents did understand. They were devastated because I had not come to them earlier! They gave me love and support all the way through the divorce process. They took me back under their wings of protection...and it felt good. It was a welcome reprieve from keeping the secrets and hiding my pain from them.

So, please realize that your parents may understand this situation better than you think!

On this Father's Day...I say, Daddy.......THANK YOU for all of the love, support, understanding, sternness (but, softness when I need it)....and ALWAYS being there!

Much LOVE to You and Mom,

Your Daughter...Misti

Happy Father's Day

Wanting to wish Happy Father's Day to all of you "Daddy's" out there. If you are a Gay Dad that has been a part of a Gay/Straight Marriage...it is my wish for you that you have been able to establish and maintain a healthy parental relationship with your child(ren).

I work with many mothers that are concerned about the relationship their ex-Gay husband will or will not have with their children. Please remember that divorced parents find ways to be a hands on parent every day. It may take a lot of work and effort to maintain a "civil" relationship after a divorce. But, in the end.....when you have children...it is worth the extra negotiation.

I am not saying to discount your pain and frustration as a spouse. However, I am saying...do not let your children bear your burden of pain. Whether you are the Gay or Straight Spouse, find appropriate support to help ease your pain. Parents MUST take care of themselves emotionally and physically to be great parents to their children. So, as parents, remember to take care of yourself and find support to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

So, if you are a separated or divorced Gay/Straight couple, I hope you have put your children's needs and welfare above your own hurt and frustrations. Keep the children out of your pain. Allow the children to love and enjoy the company of both parents. Children are precious and a gift to the world. Parents....love your children, support your children, visit your children often, encourage your children, etc. Most importantly stay involved in your children's life and inspire them to live a magnificent life full of love.

Just My Opinion.....

Often times I here from others that it must be much easier discovering that your spouse is gay and having an affair with a man vs. being straight and having an affair with a woman. Well, professionally and personally speaking, this is not true. There is no solace in finding out your husband has had an affair with a man instead of a woman. I am not discounting infidelity in any relations. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust a couple may experience. Then add on top of the betrayal a discovery that your husband is Gay. It makes the whole situation more complicated. Thus, for most Straight Spouses it adds more layers of complication and grief to work through. This type of discovery (finding out that our husband/mate is Gay) changes who you are...how you define yourself...how you see yourself...and brings on a level of shame and guilt that is hard to describe, unless you have experienced it. Not only do Straight Wives deal with infidelity.....they usually walk into the closet with their Gay husband/partner.

To many outsiders it seems like a "no-brainer".....your husband is Gay, so separation should be more simple. If only that was the case! It is not simple. So, if you are a Straight Spouse and you feel abnormal the next time you hear, "Oh, it must be easier because your husband cheated with a man"...please understand they have not experienced your situation. Dear Straight Wives you DO NOT have to discount your pain, your frustration, your grief, your emotions, etc. This is a very pain situation....a crisis at best. For all others, please be extra cautious when trying to discount some one's pain. It doesn't make the person feel better...let them feel their pain and as a friend, practice being a listener for them.

June Saturday Seminar: Self-Esteem

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Saturday Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Saturday Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Saturday Seminar in June. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Saturday Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: June Saturday Seminar/Telecourse
When: June 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Saturday Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer. Also, please note that your privacy is respected in the Saturday Seminars and Workshops. You can register under an anonymous name. The Saturday Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number.

The Damaged Feminine Spirit

After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my feminine identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. Unfortunately, I have not been alone in this feeling. Many of the women I work with have a wounded or damaged femininity. The years of sexual rejection and lack of intimacy erodes away the femininity of many Straight Wives.
The damaged femininity does not arrive overnight. Often times, it is a result of years of abusive comments or lack of intimacy. Bit by bit, pieces of femininity are put into what I call, “remission”. Years of being neglected sexually or receiving derogatory comments would assault any woman’s femininity. After hearing comments long enough, or being intimately neglected long enough, we tend to start believing the comments or actions as our TRUTHS. Thus, internalizing and placing blame on ourselves and seeing ourselves as “less than”. For example, only if I was thinner, he would desire me sexually. Only if I was prettier, he would desire me. Only if I dressed better, he would desire me. Only if my breasts were larger, he would desire me. Only if I was a better wife, he would desire me more. Etc.

Unfortunately, if you are a Straight Wife, chances are high that you have put your femininity into remission. Femininity is a very important essence of every woman put on the face of this earth. Femininity is not something to hide. It is something to be proud of. Most importantly, femininity should be honored and restored.

Femininity can be restored. It has nothing to do with your age, size, ethnicity, etc. Most of the restoration has to do with your beliefs....and negative beliefs about our femininity can be changed to positive and accepting beliefs. One of the most important keys is to realize that you are worthy and deserving of being a woman. Another important key to restoring femininity is to ask yourself the following questions:

What makes me feel like a woman?

When have I felt feminine and sexy in the past…what was I doing to feel that way?

Answering the above questions will give you clues as to how to jump start on reclaiming your femininity. Every woman at any age, size or ethnicity needs to feel honored and respected as a woman. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again.

If you would like more support on restoring your femininity, consider giving yourself the gift of a one on one coaching package. Each package is designed to fit your specific needs and we can work specifically on restoring your femininity. Restoring your femininity is a must for any woman that has been in a Gay/Straight marriage.

Many blessings to you,

Misti

ANYWAY.....

Over the years of working with Straight Wives it is very common for Straight Wives to be troubled by what other people may say or think of them. It saddens me that someone will let their happiness and well-being hinge on someone else's belief or opinion of them. As a result, I often see Gay/Straight couples remaining together out of this type of fear.

A Gay/Straight marriage has enough issues for the couple to process and deal with...and surely doesn't need outside negative opinions! Unfortunately, many negative judgments are placed on the Straight Wife. Many people seem to be great at offering unsolicited hurtful advice! Always remember, YOU know what is best for YOU. Seek professional counseling/coaching to help the both of you come to terms with your situation. Don't spend time worrying about outsider's opinions. The opinions that matter are from the Husband, Wife and Children. And to remind yourself of this, I am posting a copy of a poem that Mother Teresa hung on a wall of the orphanage she founded in Calcutta. The author of the poem is unknown.

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and

some true enemies;

Succeed anyway, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It is never between you and them anyway.

unknown

I hope this poem inspires you to be the best you can be and to live the best life you can live. YOU deserve a life full of LOVE, JOY, HAPPINESS, HOPE and JOY. May you realize it is there for you....but remember, the road to finding it is not always the easiest road to travel. However, it is well worth it to find and live an authentic life.

Happy Spring!

Dear Friends,

Spring is almost here! Spring is one of my favorite seasons. It always comes after the darkest and coldest season....Winter. Winter time can be very depressing when you are going through difficult times and life transitions.

I have spent all day out in nature today to witness all the signs of Spring and rebirth. Digging in the fresh earth smelled and felt so good on my hands. As I cleared my yard....I also intentionally cleared my mind. I mindfully pulled the weeds and cleared up the Winter debris. As I pulled the weeds, I asked myself....What "weeds" do I need to pull from my life? What is no longer serving me? What new "flowers" do I need to grow and nurture in my life this year? As I was clearing away the old to make room for the new, I zoned out into a mindful moving meditation...if you will. It was very refreshing to inventory my life. Every so often I take inventory of my life. So, I can I add more enjoyment....and let go of things that are draining. I suggest that you also do some Spring cleaning in your "garden". Ask yourself the same questions...and trust your answers. Remember...the tiny acorn is the seed for the majestic oak tree. The great oak grows from a tiny seed. What seeds do you need to plant this year?

This Spring I encourage you to let go of the old that is no longer serving you...and plant the new into your garden of life. If you want a good start on Spring, I suggest you to sign up for March's Saturday Seminar. Our topic will be Grief. You will be given tools to help release Grief. So, you can make room for the more enjoyable things in life. You will also be given a downloadable booklet on Grief to print and keep. I have a few spaces left if you are interested. Email me quick to reserve your spot.

Love and many blessings to you,
Misti

March Saturday Seminar: Grief

Grief is the topic for the Saturday Seminar Telecourse in March. This Saturday Seminar is scheduled for March 13 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. I will discuss a model of Grief and how it fits into the Recovery process of discovering that your spouse/partner is gay. Understanding Grief can often help in the healing journey. During this Saturday Seminar I will also share tips on how to ease the Grief pain and how to move forward in the process. The Saturday Seminar Telecourse will be a mixture lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help during the Grieving process and a downloadable Grief packet. Come join in on this live group Telecourse from the comforts and privacy of your home to learn more about Grief and the healing process.
What: March Saturday Seminar Telecourse
When: March 13, 2010 at 1:00 PM-2:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Grief packet. Arrangements can be made to mail the Grief packet if you do not have a printer.