July 4th...My INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!

Happy July 4th!!! This special holiday has many meanings for me. First of all, today is a very special day for our country. Today is a day of celebration and remembrance for declaring our independence from our Mother land. So, I always consider it USA's birthday. So, Happy Birthday to this great land of freedom and all the melting pot of people that live here...past and present.

Even more importantly, this celebration would not be complete without mentioning our soldiers. I also want to thank our soldiers and veterans for providing our freedom and protecting our people. Without you and your service....we would not have the freedoms that we have in this great land. So, THANK YOU and God Bless you and keep you safe.

Lastly, this great holiday is very significant to my own independence. Each July 4th I count my blessings of FREEDOM. On this very special day, I reflect over my past and realize how far I have come since I emancipated myself from a gay husband that became very violent and abusive over the years. My ex being gay was a small in comparison to the daily abuse and violence that I suffered.

Looking back over those years, I ask myself...."why did I stay?". The only answer I have is...I didn't realize how volatile the situation was because I was living and dancing inside the circle of crazy. When I was inside this circle of crazy, I became an expert at adapting to the environment and demands around me. I had to adapt to survive. Some days it literally meant life or death. On a good day I existed. On a bad day I dodged life-threatening abuse. I had no courage or strength to fight back. My life seemed worthless to him and to myself. I was blind to finding a way out. I had no courage or strength to fight back.

I prayed to God every night to help me out of the situation. I was beginning to think that my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Had I been a bad person to deserve this treatment? Was this my lot in life? Was this as good as life gets? FINALLY my Divine intervention arrived. However, not the way I had wished for or expected.

A chain of tragic events led to my Divine intervention. I was away on a trip visiting my Dad for his birthday. During the visit my dearest uncle passed away. He was young and it was very unexpected. The death of my uncle made me extend my trip "home". I staid for the funeral and it felt comfortable being "home" close to my roots and near my parents/family. Within a week of my uncle passing, my Dad had a near fatal car accident and I had to extend my stay even longer to help my Mom care for my Dad. While I was away from the now ex-husband, I realized that life was easier, even in the midst of my grief. There was a simpler way of life! A life that I didn't have to physically and emotionally protect myself around the clock. A life where people loved me and wanted me to be around them. It was on this trip that I allowed love to enter my life again. My uncle passing and my Dad nearly passing helped me to realize how important it is to feel love and be loved. Once I let the true love in, I truly had an awakening to the vividness of life and all the opportunities out there waiting for me. Within a few months, I secretly filed for divorce. The day I signed those divorce papers my life began. It was my INDEPENDENCE, my FREEDOM, my EMANCIPATION from abuse and a marriage that should have never been. It was my opportunity to fix a mistake...or mismarriage.

Reflecting back, I realize that I had many answered prayers and opportunities to leave. God had not turned a deaf ear to me. I lived in fear for so many years that I looked over many opportunities to leave. I was too busy dancing inside the circle of crazy.

So to all women out there, those married to abusive straight men or abusive gay men, live the life you deserve. Love was not meant to hurt or be life-threatening. L-E-A-V-E. No, it is not easy to leave. Most abusers make it difficult for their partners to leave a marriage or relationship. However, YOU CAN. You CAN. You CAN. Remember the children's story of the little train that could! Well, you can be that little train that could. It may take a plan...but, make that plan. There are Domestic Violence Shelters in or near every town in this great country we live. It may not be your posh..and cozy house, but, it can be protection and the gateway to a life full of opportunities minus the abuse. You deserve a magnificent life!

Enjoy this great INDEPENDENCE DAY...in a great country where we have amazing forefathers that have given us freedom and choices for men and WOMEN! Happy July 4th!!!

God bless,

Misti

I Blamed Myself For Him Being Gay.....

Reflecting on my past has given me 20/20 vision. Today, I shudder to think that I actually thought I was the cause of our failed marriage and that I was the cause of him being gay! However, years ago, I carried a lot of the burden of my ex being gay. I stayed in the closet with him. I protected the secret too. I found ways to justify and defend his behaviors. Even though it became a very expensive price for me to pay....I remained in the closet.

The sad reality was......I was STILL living in the closet when and after I filed for divorce. Even though he had dished out years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I felt it was still my duty to protect him. His years of abuse had damaged me and out of FEAR I felt I needed to protect him. I felt the need to protect that he was gay and that he was an abuser.

I had come to believe I caused my ex to be gay. I took responsibility for him being gay and for the abuse. Unfortunately, I had the following thoughts:

a) I was not woman enough....or he would have loved me, had sex with me and not wanted other men.

b) I was ugly.......or he would have loved me and wanted to have been intimate with me.

c) Gay men don't get married....therefore, I must have caused him to be gay somehow.

d) On the days I didn't beat my self up for "not being enough" and causing him to be gay, I would tell myself that I was stupid for marrying someone gay. I should have known and because I didn't, it was my fault. So, I should have been smarter.

e) I was convinced that I "caused" him to abuse me. I must have said or done something that wasn't "right".

f) I needed to try harder because things were not going well.

g) I was lazy, it took a lot of work for a relationship to work...and I must not be doing enough.

h) I must have been lousy with sex, because if I was good...he would want me more.

i) I wasn't normal. I expected too much of him. I was too demanding.

j) In the beginning I wanted sex more than him....so, soon I believed I was over sexed and retreated. I allowed him to convince me that I had an abnormal....nymphomaniac sexual appetite.

Looking back, I know my thoughts were not accurate. No one caused my ex-husband to be gay, not even himself. It certainly was not my fault that my ex was gay.....or that he abused me. However, those thoughts were very true to me when I was living in the closet. My healing journey did not begin until I took baby steps out of the closet. Some days I was able to face the other side of the closet.....and other days, I remained in the closet with the door shut tight and locked. Somehow, each little victory of coming out of the closet gave me strength, clarity, and some short lived peace. The mini victories enabled me to stand in my own light and my own truth. Each day brought opportunities of self discovery.