Reflecting on my past has given me 20/20 vision. Today, I shudder to think that I actually thought I was the cause of our failed marriage and that I was the cause of him being gay! However, years ago, I carried a lot of the burden of my ex being gay. I stayed in the closet with him. I protected the secret too. I found ways to justify and defend his behaviors. Even though it became a very expensive price for me to pay....I remained in the closet.
The sad reality was......I was STILL living in the closet when and after I filed for divorce. Even though he had dished out years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I felt it was still my duty to protect him. His years of abuse had damaged me and out of FEAR I felt I needed to protect him. I felt the need to protect that he was gay and that he was an abuser.
I had come to believe I caused my ex to be gay. I took responsibility for him being gay and for the abuse. Unfortunately, I had the following thoughts:
a) I was not woman enough....or he would have loved me, had sex with me and not wanted other men.
b) I was ugly.......or he would have loved me and wanted to have been intimate with me.
c) Gay men don't get married....therefore, I must have caused him to be gay somehow.
d) On the days I didn't beat my self up for "not being enough" and causing him to be gay, I would tell myself that I was stupid for marrying someone gay. I should have known and because I didn't, it was my fault. So, I should have been smarter.
e) I was convinced that I "caused" him to abuse me. I must have said or done something that wasn't "right".
f) I needed to try harder because things were not going well.
g) I was lazy, it took a lot of work for a relationship to work...and I must not be doing enough.
h) I must have been lousy with sex, because if I was good...he would want me more.
i) I wasn't normal. I expected too much of him. I was too demanding.
j) In the beginning I wanted sex more than him....so, soon I believed I was over sexed and retreated. I allowed him to convince me that I had an abnormal....nymphomaniac sexual appetite.
Looking back, I know my thoughts were not accurate. No one caused my ex-husband to be gay, not even himself. It certainly was not my fault that my ex was gay.....or that he abused me. However, those thoughts were very true to me when I was living in the closet. My healing journey did not begin until I took baby steps out of the closet. Some days I was able to face the other side of the closet.....and other days, I remained in the closet with the door shut tight and locked. Somehow, each little victory of coming out of the closet gave me strength, clarity, and some short lived peace. The mini victories enabled me to stand in my own light and my own truth. Each day brought opportunities of self discovery.
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