Well, my friends.....there is no easy answer for this. Our feelings of shame can be as complicated at our relationships with our gay spouses/ex-spouses. It is very interesting how almost every straight spouse carries a burden of shame. We somehow manage to live in the closet with the secret and load up huge doses of shame. There are many reasons why we carry the burden of shame. Some of the obvious reasons may be the following:
* We may feel a need to protect our gay loved one.
* We may feel like we needed to be "better" or "try harder".....so, we take on some of the responsibility.
* We love our partner, so we absorb their shame and struggles.
* We may be ashamed of our choices in picking a mate....and blame ourselves for "not knowing".
* Many family members, friends and co-workers may not be gay friendly....so, we feel the need to keep the secret quiet....in fear of their reactions.
* Many people feel that it is a choice to be homosexual. When it is believed that it is a choice, straight spouses take on the shame and burden of it being their fault.
* Culturally, homosexuals are fighting and struggling for equal rights.....they are met with resistance from many people, governments and agencies. So, it isn't considered to be the "cultural norm" to be gay.
* We may feel embarrassed that our spouses are gay.
Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we take on the shame. The good news is...shame is not your burden to bear. The best way to release the shame is to build up your feelings of self-love and self-esteem. When we are more sure of who and what we are....more of the negative beliefs (such as shame) go away. Therefore, shame becomes something that no longer serves our needs. So, it is my wish for each of you to build up your self-esteem and self-love.
May you enter the journey of LOVING yourself....and find ways to nurture yourself. So, how can you start improving your self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem?
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