Are You Living on Borrowed HOPE?

BORROWED HOPE....what is borrowed hope? Borrowed hope is when the Straight Wife tries to borrow hope from her tomorrow in an effort to make today better. It can be a vicious cycle of never feeling whole or complete. Borrowing hope can buy time. It can buy years of time. How do I know? Because I borrowed hope for 10 years during the marriage I had with a gay husband. I focused on doing anything I could to do to make "tomorrow better". Honestly, my tomorrow never came. I only learned how to dance better inside the circle of crazy. I danced and danced....all the while I told myself that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new day. We will get along better tomorrow and this relationship will work...because it is me causing the difficulties in the marriage.

Yes, that was my story. I had lived in borrowed hope for so long that I began to believe the whole success of the marriage was on my shoulders. I had to be the sole agent of change to make the marriage work and be viable. Guess what? The interest compounded too quickly for me to continue living on borrowed hope. I began crumbling. I could not keep up with the dancing inside the circle of crazy any longer. The interest rate for borrowing hope was way too high.

I finally decided to quit dancing inside the circle of crazy. I left the circle...and it was not easy. I will be the first to tell you, there were no black and white easy answers to leave a marriage where I suspected my now ex-husband was/is gay. I looked to my source (God) for guidance and followed the lead. Thankfully, I was able to exit the closet and begin my own healing journey. A journey that will last a lifetime of me discovering who I am.

I have loved this journey. Even though it has had it ups and downs, it has been adventuresome and I have learned many things about myself. Life does not have to be so complicated. A relationship does not have to be so complicated. Life is good! Everyone deserves a wonderful life...and that is what I wish for you.

Do what it takes to live the life you are meant to live. Do what it takes to step forward into the person that you love being. Do what it takes to bring peace, love and joy to your life. Life is short...live it up NOW!!!