July 4th...My INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!

Happy July 4th!!! This special holiday has many meanings for me. First of all, today is a very special day for our country. Today is a day of celebration and remembrance for declaring our independence from our Mother land. So, I always consider it USA's birthday. So, Happy Birthday to this great land of freedom and all the melting pot of people that live here...past and present.

Even more importantly, this celebration would not be complete without mentioning our soldiers. I also want to thank our soldiers and veterans for providing our freedom and protecting our people. Without you and your service....we would not have the freedoms that we have in this great land. So, THANK YOU and God Bless you and keep you safe.

Lastly, this great holiday is very significant to my own independence. Each July 4th I count my blessings of FREEDOM. On this very special day, I reflect over my past and realize how far I have come since I emancipated myself from a gay husband that became very violent and abusive over the years. My ex being gay was a small in comparison to the daily abuse and violence that I suffered.

Looking back over those years, I ask myself...."why did I stay?". The only answer I have is...I didn't realize how volatile the situation was because I was living and dancing inside the circle of crazy. When I was inside this circle of crazy, I became an expert at adapting to the environment and demands around me. I had to adapt to survive. Some days it literally meant life or death. On a good day I existed. On a bad day I dodged life-threatening abuse. I had no courage or strength to fight back. My life seemed worthless to him and to myself. I was blind to finding a way out. I had no courage or strength to fight back.

I prayed to God every night to help me out of the situation. I was beginning to think that my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Had I been a bad person to deserve this treatment? Was this my lot in life? Was this as good as life gets? FINALLY my Divine intervention arrived. However, not the way I had wished for or expected.

A chain of tragic events led to my Divine intervention. I was away on a trip visiting my Dad for his birthday. During the visit my dearest uncle passed away. He was young and it was very unexpected. The death of my uncle made me extend my trip "home". I staid for the funeral and it felt comfortable being "home" close to my roots and near my parents/family. Within a week of my uncle passing, my Dad had a near fatal car accident and I had to extend my stay even longer to help my Mom care for my Dad. While I was away from the now ex-husband, I realized that life was easier, even in the midst of my grief. There was a simpler way of life! A life that I didn't have to physically and emotionally protect myself around the clock. A life where people loved me and wanted me to be around them. It was on this trip that I allowed love to enter my life again. My uncle passing and my Dad nearly passing helped me to realize how important it is to feel love and be loved. Once I let the true love in, I truly had an awakening to the vividness of life and all the opportunities out there waiting for me. Within a few months, I secretly filed for divorce. The day I signed those divorce papers my life began. It was my INDEPENDENCE, my FREEDOM, my EMANCIPATION from abuse and a marriage that should have never been. It was my opportunity to fix a mistake...or mismarriage.

Reflecting back, I realize that I had many answered prayers and opportunities to leave. God had not turned a deaf ear to me. I lived in fear for so many years that I looked over many opportunities to leave. I was too busy dancing inside the circle of crazy.

So to all women out there, those married to abusive straight men or abusive gay men, live the life you deserve. Love was not meant to hurt or be life-threatening. L-E-A-V-E. No, it is not easy to leave. Most abusers make it difficult for their partners to leave a marriage or relationship. However, YOU CAN. You CAN. You CAN. Remember the children's story of the little train that could! Well, you can be that little train that could. It may take a plan...but, make that plan. There are Domestic Violence Shelters in or near every town in this great country we live. It may not be your posh..and cozy house, but, it can be protection and the gateway to a life full of opportunities minus the abuse. You deserve a magnificent life!

Enjoy this great INDEPENDENCE DAY...in a great country where we have amazing forefathers that have given us freedom and choices for men and WOMEN! Happy July 4th!!!

God bless,

Misti

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Happy Father's Day wishes would not be complete without me wishing my own Dad a big Happy Father's Day! So, Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I also want to remind Straight Wives out there that sometimes your own parents can be more supportive than you ever imagined. If you have good relationships with your family, do not underestimate the support and love they can give you during the "discovery period". My parent's helped me weather the storm that I thought I would have to walk alone. They helped carry me and my burdens.

Reflecting back on discovering that my ex-husband was/is gay....I was completely devastated. Initially I did not seek the support of my parents. I was embarrassed and assumed that they would not understand my pain, devastation and hurt. Well, I was WRONG. Thankfully, I finally found the courage to tell my parents that I was secretly filing for divorce and I needed their emotional support. My parents rose to the occasion and they supported me the WHOLE way.

They even understood that I could not "fix" my ex and transform him to being a Straight husband (this is HUGE because they belong to a very conservative church). They lovingly listened as I explained to them how I hid the physical and mental abuse. I told them everything....the double life my ex was leading, the affairs he was having and the abuse I experienced. They were shocked...but, not as shocked as I thought they would be. Being my parents they had sensed a strain in my marriage. They revealed to me that they knew things were not going well. However, they admitted that they had no idea of the physical and mental abuse I had gone through. But, shocking to me, they had suspected all along that my then husband was Gay.

Thankfully, my parents did understand. They were devastated because I had not come to them earlier! They gave me love and support all the way through the divorce process. They took me back under their wings of protection...and it felt good. It was a welcome reprieve from keeping the secrets and hiding my pain from them.

So, please realize that your parents may understand this situation better than you think!

On this Father's Day...I say, Daddy.......THANK YOU for all of the love, support, understanding, sternness (but, softness when I need it)....and ALWAYS being there!

Much LOVE to You and Mom,

Your Daughter...Misti

Happy Father's Day

Wanting to wish Happy Father's Day to all of you "Daddy's" out there. If you are a Gay Dad that has been a part of a Gay/Straight Marriage...it is my wish for you that you have been able to establish and maintain a healthy parental relationship with your child(ren).

I work with many mothers that are concerned about the relationship their ex-Gay husband will or will not have with their children. Please remember that divorced parents find ways to be a hands on parent every day. It may take a lot of work and effort to maintain a "civil" relationship after a divorce. But, in the end.....when you have children...it is worth the extra negotiation.

I am not saying to discount your pain and frustration as a spouse. However, I am saying...do not let your children bear your burden of pain. Whether you are the Gay or Straight Spouse, find appropriate support to help ease your pain. Parents MUST take care of themselves emotionally and physically to be great parents to their children. So, as parents, remember to take care of yourself and find support to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

So, if you are a separated or divorced Gay/Straight couple, I hope you have put your children's needs and welfare above your own hurt and frustrations. Keep the children out of your pain. Allow the children to love and enjoy the company of both parents. Children are precious and a gift to the world. Parents....love your children, support your children, visit your children often, encourage your children, etc. Most importantly stay involved in your children's life and inspire them to live a magnificent life full of love.

Just My Opinion.....

Often times I here from others that it must be much easier discovering that your spouse is gay and having an affair with a man vs. being straight and having an affair with a woman. Well, professionally and personally speaking, this is not true. There is no solace in finding out your husband has had an affair with a man instead of a woman. I am not discounting infidelity in any relations. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust a couple may experience. Then add on top of the betrayal a discovery that your husband is Gay. It makes the whole situation more complicated. Thus, for most Straight Spouses it adds more layers of complication and grief to work through. This type of discovery (finding out that our husband/mate is Gay) changes who you are...how you define yourself...how you see yourself...and brings on a level of shame and guilt that is hard to describe, unless you have experienced it. Not only do Straight Wives deal with infidelity.....they usually walk into the closet with their Gay husband/partner.

To many outsiders it seems like a "no-brainer".....your husband is Gay, so separation should be more simple. If only that was the case! It is not simple. So, if you are a Straight Spouse and you feel abnormal the next time you hear, "Oh, it must be easier because your husband cheated with a man"...please understand they have not experienced your situation. Dear Straight Wives you DO NOT have to discount your pain, your frustration, your grief, your emotions, etc. This is a very pain situation....a crisis at best. For all others, please be extra cautious when trying to discount some one's pain. It doesn't make the person feel better...let them feel their pain and as a friend, practice being a listener for them.

June Saturday Seminar: Self-Esteem

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Saturday Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Saturday Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Saturday Seminar in June. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Saturday Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: June Saturday Seminar/Telecourse
When: June 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Saturday Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer. Also, please note that your privacy is respected in the Saturday Seminars and Workshops. You can register under an anonymous name. The Saturday Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number.

The Damaged Feminine Spirit

After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my feminine identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. Unfortunately, I have not been alone in this feeling. Many of the women I work with have a wounded or damaged femininity. The years of sexual rejection and lack of intimacy erodes away the femininity of many Straight Wives.
The damaged femininity does not arrive overnight. Often times, it is a result of years of abusive comments or lack of intimacy. Bit by bit, pieces of femininity are put into what I call, “remission”. Years of being neglected sexually or receiving derogatory comments would assault any woman’s femininity. After hearing comments long enough, or being intimately neglected long enough, we tend to start believing the comments or actions as our TRUTHS. Thus, internalizing and placing blame on ourselves and seeing ourselves as “less than”. For example, only if I was thinner, he would desire me sexually. Only if I was prettier, he would desire me. Only if I dressed better, he would desire me. Only if my breasts were larger, he would desire me. Only if I was a better wife, he would desire me more. Etc.

Unfortunately, if you are a Straight Wife, chances are high that you have put your femininity into remission. Femininity is a very important essence of every woman put on the face of this earth. Femininity is not something to hide. It is something to be proud of. Most importantly, femininity should be honored and restored.

Femininity can be restored. It has nothing to do with your age, size, ethnicity, etc. Most of the restoration has to do with your beliefs....and negative beliefs about our femininity can be changed to positive and accepting beliefs. One of the most important keys is to realize that you are worthy and deserving of being a woman. Another important key to restoring femininity is to ask yourself the following questions:

What makes me feel like a woman?

When have I felt feminine and sexy in the past…what was I doing to feel that way?

Answering the above questions will give you clues as to how to jump start on reclaiming your femininity. Every woman at any age, size or ethnicity needs to feel honored and respected as a woman. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again.

If you would like more support on restoring your femininity, consider giving yourself the gift of a one on one coaching package. Each package is designed to fit your specific needs and we can work specifically on restoring your femininity. Restoring your femininity is a must for any woman that has been in a Gay/Straight marriage.

Many blessings to you,

Misti

Happy Easter/Happy Spring

To those of you that celebrate Easter...Happy Easter! To those of you that do not...Happy Spring on this beautiful day!

My Happy Easter/Happy Spring wish for you....

May you rise above your struggles....

and find the PEACE and LOVE

that you deserve in your

life.