Other People's Comments.....

WARNING....I am ready to get on my soap box. Why do people make so many inappropriate comments to the Straight Spouse? I have encountered many unsavory comments from people. In my Life Coaching practice I hear about terrible comments on a daily basis from my clients. Unfortunately, these comments sting like a bee and can be damaging.

Rule number 1....if you don't know what to say, don't say anything. My Mother taught me this when I was in kindergarten. Come on people....you can understand this one!

Rule number 2....don't give "expert" advice about a subject in which you have no experience. The old saying goes.....walk a mile in my shoes before you comment and/or pass judgment.

Rule number 3....if you are going to throw rocks at me.....at least make them heart shaped.

All this stems from a conversation I had a few days ago. I ran into an acquaintance while I was out running errands. We had a very enjoyable conversation....until she asked what I was doing professionally. I explained to the acquaintance that I do Life Coaching for Grief related issues and for Straight Spouses. She applauded me for my work and I thanked her. Then, it went down hill from there! She continued to tell me that she "knew from the first time she saw my ex-husband that he was gay". That comment wasn't enough...she proceeded to say, "Well you knew he was gay when you married him. You can tell by how gay he acted. I knew he was gay. It was so obvious he was gay." I didn't think her expert "gaydar" comments were ever going to end. Finally, after silently counting to ten....taking a big deep breath.....and in an attempt to numb the STING of her comments, I looked at her squarely in the face and said, "do you think I would knowingly marry someone that I knew was gay?"......"do you think any Straight Spouse wants that type of hardship?".

The conversation ended and we began talking about something else. Needless to say, I left the conversation with a STING. It irritates me when someone gives unsolicited "expert" comments. Who grants them the entitlement to say rude comments? Maybe I am more sensitive to rude comments because I am trained as a therapist. I am trained to respect other people and their life circumstances. I am trained to not give unsolicited "expert" advice. None the less, it offended me for all Straight Spouses out there.

When people make comments such as this....the underlying messages to Straight Spouses are......you should have known better.....you asked for it.....you were stupid...etc. Well, Straight Spouses are none of the above. Most Straight Spouses, unknowingly marry gay men or lesbians. They fell in love with someone and hoped for a wonderful future. They fell in love and had no idea of the hardships and heart break their marriage would bring.

So, before you offer someone your opinion or expert advice, think twice. Are you contributing something positive to the person...or could it possibly be offensive? Most of all, don't assume you know some one's story. Be compassionate and kind to others. And...don't be throwing rocks at people....we ALL live in glass houses.

Self-Esteem

Often times straight spouses have little to no self-esteem. Knowing that your spouse is gay can be very damaging to your self-esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic. Then add a gay spouse to mix.....it spells for disaster in the self-esteem department.

So, as a straight spouse, how can you rebuild your self-esteem? Thankfully, there are many things to rebuild your self-esteem, self-love, confidence, etc. First of all, start with the basics. The basics can be any form of self-nurturing practice. Some good self-nurturing habits can be....

Taking 5 minutes to do deep breathing/cleansing breaths, express your feelings by writing in a journal, create positive affirmations for yourself, take a walk out in nature...breathe the fresh air, exercise, eat wholesome foods, drink lots of water, try a new hair style, etc.

Often times we forget our basic needs while living in the jungle of life. It is especially important to practice self-love and self-nurture while navigating through your gay/straight relationship. The more you take care of yourself.....the faster your confidence, self-esteem and self-love will grow.

So, take time for yourself...you are worthy of self-care and self-love. Do something for yourself TODAY!

Workshop Update

Hello everyone!

Where has the time gone to this fall? I am late in posting...time seems to run away! Anyway, I would like to let you know that I have a couple of spots left in the next workshop. The workshop starts October 14, 2009 and will meet for 6 consecutive Wednesdays via telephone from 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. The workshop has been changed a bit. It will include Straight Spouses from all different stages of the journey. I have had such a wonderful experience with the first workshop.....and I realize that it is helpful for the spouses to be in all different stages. The Straight Spouses have given me amazing feedback on how this workshop has helped them. Most importantly, the Straight Spouses are finding their way into a beautiful life. We have shared pain....and transformed that pain into discovering a new self...and discovering a life full of opportunities.

So, if you are struggling in a Straight/Gay relationship, consider taking the workshop. The workshop honors discretion and your identity. You have the option of not using your real name on the conference calls and in our private online site.

The workshop is designed to heal...and to build up your self-love and self-esteem. It offers a non-judgmental place to share your fears and to find ways to move forward in your life. In the workshop you will get 6 live conference calls, homework assignments, unlimited email access to the facilitator (the one and only, me!) and 1 live follow-up conference call a month after the workshop has ended. Everything for 150.00!

If you want to join in....email me ASAP and I am open to payment arrangements. Give yourself the GIFT of nurturing and caring for yourself.