When Happily Ever After Turns to Miserable Ever Since....

Has your Happily Ever After fell apart? Did your Happily Ever After turn into Miserable Ever Since I Discovered? Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses find ourselves in a situation of not knowing of whether to stay......or whether to leave. Obviously, no one wants to find themselves in this situation. Therefore, it can be easier to bury our heads in the sand......and wish for it all to go away. Chances are......it isn't going away any time soon. Therefore, sooner or later you and your Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will need to sort out your future together.......or apart. Ideally, both of you will discuss the transition of dealing with a Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner and develop a plan of integrity and pave the road to both of you living an authentic life.

Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses have to sort this situation out on their own. Often times the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will dismiss their Straight Spouse's intuition or discovering evidence. This dismissal is not only damaging, it leads to guilt and shame in the Straight Spouse. After feeling guilt and shame for long enough..the Straight Spouse has a tendency to internalize the relationship issues and blame themselves for the problems and issues in the marriage/relationship. Then, the Straight Spouse sets themselves up for a whole host of unrealistic self expectations. "I will do THIS....and he/she will love me more. I will do THAT...and he/she will love me more." This type of disillusionment puts us on the merry go round of failure and leads to an assault on our ability to love and be loved.

Ultimately, the greatest love is the LOVE FOR OURSELVES. We must learn to Love and Accept ourselves. We cannot solely depend on a healthy love outside of ourselves and not grow and nurture our own Self Love.

When we give away our power in Self Love, we set ourselves up for potential disasters. For example, if we do not LOVE ourselves and expect love to come from our partner....then we are only fed the type of LOVE they are willing to give. What if your partner doesn't know how to love you the way you deserve to be loved? What if your partner has a tendency to be manipulative and abusive? What kind of Love will your partner deliver? If you remain dependent to receive Love outside of yourself.....you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and unhealthy relationship patterns.

Once we seek outside Love long enough, it can become toxic. A toxic love is not healthy! A toxic love is prone to be riddled with abuse, neglect and very conditional. For example...."only if you were thin enough I would love you more, only if you had a better job....I would love you more, if we have a child we will love each other more, "etc. Conditional love erodes our ability to Love and function in a healthy manor. After you have exposed yourself long enough....you will start to believe the conditions.....the terrible comments.....or accept the neglect/lack of Love. Once that line has been crossed, we tend to find ourselves feeling miserable and unworthy of Love. Often times these feelings trap us in a relationship because we feel, "this is the best I can do...and who would want me?"

Even though Love is a primal instinct we seek, we often overlook the foundation to the greatest love of all........LOVING OURSELVES! Yes, loving ourselves builds a solid foundation for a healthy love.

Love is like a garden. You must plant the seeds of LOVE....water them.... WEED them...and fertilize properly. Sometimes is it hard to discern the weeds from the seedlings of LOVE. So, you tenderly make decisions to pluck the weed....or allow the weed to grow. If you choose to nurture more weeds than love seedlings.....you will risk not having a bountiful harvest and possibly experience a famine of LOVE. If you choose to cultivate more LOVE seeds than weeds, you will be rewarded with an abundant harvest. Gardening takes time and patience....and needs to be sprinkled with courage. You must tend your garden often and mindfully to allow your LOVE to grow. When you are ready for harvest, enjoy your fruits and share them. Remember, planting Love seeds is not a one crop effort.....one must continually plant LOVE seeds in the garden to experience a stable supply of fruits!

Self Love can begin with very basic and simple steps. A well balanced Self Love has a mixture of behaviors that nurture the body, mind and spirit.

You can start by making a list of 20 things that you love to do....or simple things that bring you pleasure and joy. When you make your list, include a variety of things to "feed" your body, mind and spirit. When making this list you can ask yourself:

What makes me feel in touch with my spiritual being?

What makes me feel good about my body?

What are things that reduce my stress and anxiety?

Then, commit to following through with action! Pick out an activity to do at least once a week. If you commit to doing something for yourself once a week......by the end of the month you have done 4 great things for yourself. The end of the year.....you have done 52 great things for yourself. It is also wise to continually add to your list of things to do/try. It is the accumulation of doing those great things and the commitment to continually do those great things for yourself that add up to cultivate Self Love, Self Confidence, Self Esteem and Discover/Rediscovery of the Self. You are worth the effort!

Do you have weeds in your garden of Love? If so, what weeds are you willing to "thin out" and what variety of seeds are you willing to plant that will build up your SELF LOVE? Are you committed to nurturing and cultivating your garden of LOVE?

If you would like help in cultivating your "garden of Self Love" contact me at

MistiLynnHall @aol.com to schedule a complimentary 30 sample session and to learn more about my Life Coaching services.

Much LOVE and BLESSINGS to you,

Misti

Far From HEAVEN

Far From Heaven is a great movie. Surprisingly, I had not heard about the movie...nor do I remember it being advertised. For some reason it did not get the exposure like Broke Back Mountain. A friend of mine suggested that I watch the movie and sent me a copy to view. I was very impressed with the movie. Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid and Dennis Haysbert do an excellent job in the movie. If you have not seen Far From Heaven and you are a Straight Spouse...I suggest that you to watch it. In my opinion the movie actually portrays some of the Straight Spouse struggles that is often ignored by Hollywood. The following is what Wikipedia.com says about the movie ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_from_Heaven ):

Set in suburban 1950s Connecticut, the film is about Cathy Whitaker (Julianne Moore), the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker. Cathy is married to Frank (Dennis Quaid), a successful executive at Magnatech. The film begins when Cathy gets a phone call from the local police and her husband is put on the line. He says it's all a mix up but they won't let him leave alone. Cathy is preparing for her annual party with her best friend, Eleanor Fine (Patricia Clarkson). One day, Cathy spies an unknown black man walking through her garden. He turns out to be Raymond Deagon (Dennis Haysbert), the son of Cathy's late gardener.
Frank is soon being forced to stay late at the office, swamped with work. One evening, however, we see him enter a bar. Meanwhile, Cathy and Raymond develop a friendship. On one particular night, when Frank is working late, Cathy decides to wrap up his dinner and take it to him. She walks in on him passionately kissing another man. Frank confesses having had "problems" as a young man, and agrees to see psychiatrist Dr. Bowman (James Rebhorn) in the hope of being "converted back" to heterosexuality. His relationship with Cathy is irreparably strained, however, and he turns to alcohol. Unable to comprehend the destruction of her marriage, Cathy turns to Raymond for comfort. She sees him at an art show, where she spends much of her day talking to him, setting the town ablaze with gossip.
As Cathy sees her once idyllic world falling apart, she begins to fall in love with Raymond, and their evident relationship has unpleasant consequences for him and his daughter. At the same time, Frank, unable to suppress his homosexual desires, falls in love with another man and seeks a divorce from Cathy.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about Far From Heaven. Also, if you have not seen the movie, I would like to pass it forward to a Straight Spouse. So, if you are also willing to pass it forward to another Straight Spouse, leave a comment or send me an email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com) and it will go to the first that responds.

Did I make him Gay? Did I make her Lesbian?

NO.

YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GAY OR LESBIAN!

Please reread that statement as many times as you need to. You do not have the power or control to make your spouse/partner gay or lesbian. Unfortunately, I hear this question more often than I want to. Shamefully, I admit that I had the very question running through my own head when I discovered that my now ex was/is gay.....Did I make him gay??

If you question (ed) yourself, as I did....possibly you can gain some insight from my experience. As I reflect on my past, I think many things led me to question myself about any influence I had in causing my ex being gay. For example, my ex continually made derogatory and self esteem shattering comments to me. I internalized the comments and allowed my self-esteem to plummet. I was told often that it was "my fault that we fought", it was "my fault that his head hurt", it was "my fault that the house was never clean enough", it was "my fault that the dogs or cats had made a mess", it was "my fault we didn't have sex because I stunk" (yes, that was really a comment from him), it was "my fault that I made him scream at me", it was "my fault things went wrong because I was so stupid", etc. Finally I thought it was my fault because the sky was blue!!

Not only did I allow my ex to beat down my self esteem, I further assaulted my self esteem by taking some unsolicited comments from friends and family to heart. Once I filed for divorce, many people were eager to offer advice and give comments. I actually had someone ask, "how did you make him gay?" Additional comments were, "gay men don't get married", "there are no gay men in "small town", KY". Needless to say, the comments were very hurtful.

Lastly, homosexuality is such a hot topic in our society. Some people believe homosexuality is a choice, others believe it something you are born with and not a choice. Unfortunately, conflicting research is abundant! To further cloud the homosexuality debate, pour some religion on it......to further fuel the fire of confusion. Considering all the above, how could anyone think with clarity???

Taking everything into consideration....how on earth could I not accept blame with making my ex gay? Fortunately, I only shrouded myself with this belief shortly. Thankfully, I was surrounded by a few wise friends and family members. As well as, influenced by the grace of God. All of it combined allowed me to offset the hurtful comments from my ex and others. Soon after I realized that I had NO control over my ex's sexual behavior or preference. I had NO choice over who or how many he slept with. I could not have made him gay.

This topic may sound silly to many people. However, the question.....Did I make him gay/Did I make her lesbian, is a real question that straight spouses struggle with and seek to find an answer for. It is a question that leads to many nights of tossing and turning. It is a question that creates many tears. It is a question that serves the straight spouses an extra dose of guilt. Mostly, it is a question that no one should have to seek an answer for.

If you are a straight spouse, please seek support that is helpful. Remember, not all friends, family members, therapists and/or clergy will be helpful in this matter. It is not that they want to intentionally cause harm to the straight spouses. It is my belief that many people do not understand the impact or the dynamics of a straight/gay relationship. So, make sure you are seeking helpful...not hurtful support.

As always...I wish you the best on this journey.

The Moment of Discovery

The moment of discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian can be devastating and something that is forever etched into your soul. It is something that every straight spouse can tell you...EXACTLY where they were, what they were wearing, who was (if anyone) with them, the exact day/time, etc. It is branded into our brain...yet, a revelation (that our spouse is gay/lesbian) we often struggle to wrap our brain around. It is more than a disappointment, it goes much deeper than that. It is a complicated situation at best. No one wants to find out that their spouse is gay/lesbian.

Discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian opens a huge Pandora's Box. Often times it will yield more questions than answers. Many of the questions you may never find an answer for. Some spouses will never admit their sexual preference. Which may lead to the straight spouse further doubting themselves and feeling more guilt and uncertainty.

However, the discovery can also make pieces of the puzzle fit. For example, when I discovered my now ex was/is gay, things finally started making sense to me. I felt like the "missing" piece to the puzzle was finally found! Even though it was a very painful discovery, I was relieved to figure out that I wasn't "crazy" for my suspicions. Unfortunately, my now ex did not admit to being gay. It only angered him and his abuse escalated. I allowed his abuse to push me deeper into the closet....where I remained in silence for almost three miserable years. During those three years I denied every red flag. Denial was my best form of self preservation and survival.

It is also important to note that all straight/gay marriages do not unfold like mine. Some spouses will admit to being gay/lesbian when their spouse makes the "discovery". Other gay/lesbian spouses may make the admission to their straight spouse before being "discovered". Some of those gay/lesbian spouses will also seek counseling with the straight spouse to begin untangling the web of a gay/straight marriage. Ideally straight/gay partners will seek some sort of professional counseling to sort out how to move forward.

Wishing you the best on this journey. It is not an easy journey....however, there is life after a straight/gay marriage and it is survivable.

Welcome

Welcome to Straight Spouse Coaching. If you found this blog...I want to give you a warm welcome. Chances are, you never thought you would be looking for Straight Spouse support. Neither did I. It is not something that any of us planned for when we envisioned our marriages as being "happily ever after".

Discovering that our spouse/partner is gay is heartbreaking. It is more than a "bump in the road" for a relationship. Unfortunately there are lots of people, professional and lay, that give not-so-great advice to Straight Spouses. Therefore, I decided that it was time for me to offer Straight Spouse Coaching to a larger audience. It was not an easy decision to "go public" with this blog and coaching. However, being divorced from a gay man for nearly ten years...I know it is now time to pursue helping other Straight Spouses move beyond the tragedy of "discovery" and into a great life.

This blog (and it's content) is NOT a replacement for therapy. Even though I have a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, I do not feel it is of good practice to offer therapy over the phone and/or online. Therefore, this blog and the workshops offered are considered to be more of a "coaching" nature vs. therapy. If you need therapy, please seek a qualified therapist in your area where you can have face to face sessions.

My vision is to offer compassionate support for Straight Spouses that are going through the crisis of discovering their loved one is gay. The purpose of this blog is to be a safe haven for Straight Spouses to seek support and to find resources for their journey. As well as to announce my upcoming online/telephone coaching workshops.

Wishing you a beautiful life,
Misti Hall