Straight Spouse Coaching

A New Normal by guest Heather Cram

2011-07-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

It has been 6 years since I realized my husband was gay. It has been 5 years since a divorce ripped through our family and sent ripples of hurt and anger not only through my heart, but also through my children's hearts. Time heals lots of wounds but the scars of divorce from a man I thought would be the perfect father and husband still remain.

Lately it seems like straight women being married to gay men is all over the media. You see our situation play out on TV dramas, on talk shows (Oprah had a number of shows lately dedicated to this subject), on the radio, on movies and in articles. As more men come out in their marriages, it seems like society is accepting this practice as a new "normal". Even my friends are commenting on how women facing this dilemma today don't have it so bad because "it's happening everywhere". I applaud gay men who are already married and who come clean with their spouses, don't get me wrong...but I can't stand the idea that because so many men are doing so, society is accepting this as "no big deal".

The men who are coming out as gay in their marriages may be having a bit easier time of it than in the past due to easing societal attitudes, but the women that this happens to are shocked, angry, sad, and frightened. We are forced into raising our children in a new way, forced to accept a lifestyle for them that we may or may not believe in. In an instant all the dreams we had of raising children must transform into an acceptance of their father and of new homes and new lives that has been thrust upon us.

The new lives we live are not "normal". I'm pleased to see that societal pressures may be easing - allowing more gay people to live as they wish. But the fallout from a marriage to a straight man that turns into a divorce from a gay man will change the lives of all involved. It can return to be a good life...but the trauma and dedication to turn hurt to healing is intense, painful and takes a very long time. I don't ever feel like my life will ever be "normal" again. My kids say the same. We entered into the sisterhood of straight wives unknowingly, and I am grateful to have the chance to help as many of my sisters as possible find a new life for themselves and their kids.

Written by Heather Cram. Heather is a former Straight Wife that has also written a book. You can contact Heather at Heather@ismyspousegay.com and find more information about her book at http://www.ismyspousegay.com/

A Wave of GRIEF: A Free Teleconference Invitation

2011-07-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dearest Straight Wives you are invited to attend a free seminar, A Wave of Grief. I am offering a free teleconference seminar on Grief exclusively for Straight Wives on August 20, 200 at 1:00pm (Eastern Time Zone). In this call I will give a brief overview of the Grief Stages. The Grief Stages will help you better understand your healing journey. Learning that you are a Straight Wife can be devastating and traumatic. However, there is life after the discovery. Life can be wonderful on this side of the closet door. Your healing will not arrive in a nice package on your doorstep. Healing takes place when you allow yourself to grieve, process your grief, know that you are not alone, and start re-discovering and re-defining yourself. Making the decision to heal is not a bed of roses......but, it is not a bed of thorns, either. So, come join me on this call and know that you are not alone. You can email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com to reserve your spot.

Love and many blessings to you,
Misti Hall, M.S.

Are You Living on Borrowed HOPE?

2011-07-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

BORROWED HOPE....what is borrowed hope? Borrowed hope is when the Straight Wife tries to borrow hope from her tomorrow in an effort to make today better. It can be a vicious cycle of never feeling whole or complete. Borrowing hope can buy time. It can buy years of time. How do I know? Because I borrowed hope for 10 years during the marriage I had with a gay husband. I focused on doing anything I could to do to make "tomorrow better". Honestly, my tomorrow never came. I only learned how to dance better inside the circle of crazy. I danced and danced....all the while I told myself that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new day. We will get along better tomorrow and this relationship will work...because it is me causing the difficulties in the marriage.

Yes, that was my story. I had lived in borrowed hope for so long that I began to believe the whole success of the marriage was on my shoulders. I had to be the sole agent of change to make the marriage work and be viable. Guess what? The interest compounded too quickly for me to continue living on borrowed hope. I began crumbling. I could not keep up with the dancing inside the circle of crazy any longer. The interest rate for borrowing hope was way too high.

I finally decided to quit dancing inside the circle of crazy. I left the circle...and it was not easy. I will be the first to tell you, there were no black and white easy answers to leave a marriage where I suspected my now ex-husband was/is gay. I looked to my source (God) for guidance and followed the lead. Thankfully, I was able to exit the closet and begin my own healing journey. A journey that will last a lifetime of me discovering who I am.

I have loved this journey. Even though it has had it ups and downs, it has been adventuresome and I have learned many things about myself. Life does not have to be so complicated. A relationship does not have to be so complicated. Life is good! Everyone deserves a wonderful life...and that is what I wish for you.

Do what it takes to live the life you are meant to live. Do what it takes to step forward into the person that you love being. Do what it takes to bring peace, love and joy to your life. Life is short...live it up NOW!!!

Wow, it has been awhile.......

2011-07-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Wow, it has been awhile since I last posted! Time truly does travel fast. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since I started this blog. I never dreamed so many Straight Wives and Gay Husbands would reach out for support. I am constantly reminded by readers how difficult it can be to find a professional that truly understands the situation. It is my wish to be a part of the change I wish to see in the professional therapy and counseling world. It is my mission to continue offering quality care and consultation to Straight Wives. As well as, educating people and professionals on the importance of truly understanding the needs of Straight Wives.

It has been a true blessing to be able to offer my support to all of you. May all of you find your lighthouse during your storm.

Love and blessings to all,

Misti Hall

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I wanted to take a moment to wish each of you a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving. I know holidays can be a tough time. So, please know that I send you love and well wishes on this holiday and throughout the holiday season. please take time for yourself....to nurture and love yourself.

May you be blessed beyond measure.
May you be surrounded by people that love you.
May your life be full of love.
May you trust that life has much to offer.
May you realize if one door closes a better door is waiting.
May you find things in your life that you are grateful for.
May your life be full of supportive people and family.

Love and many blessings,
Misti

www.MistiHall.com

Are You Wearing PURPLE Today?

2010-10-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

"Living in Harmony" Mandala by Misti Hall

Today many people are bringing awareness to an issue by wearing PURPLE. Today, October 20 has been declared Spirit Day. By wearing purple today...you are making a statement to say no to hate. Specifically, you are taking a stand to be a part of the change. The change seeking to dissolve bullying gay teens. It has been very unfortunate that many young lives have ended in tragedy because they were made fun of or bullied for their sexual orientation.

I wish we lived in a world where people were free to be their authentic self. In doing so, maybe the there would be fewer Straight Wives across the world. What if there became less and less Gay/Straight marriages? What if there were fewer broken hearts? What if there were fewer marriages ending because a spouse discovers their husband/wife is gay?

What if my own story was different? How would my life be different today if I had not unknowingly married a Gay man? Who would I be? I am sure I would be different. I am sure I would have less scars. I am certain that I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I encourage you to be the change you wish to see. For myself, I will be wearing PURPLE today. I will be mindful and wish for a peaceful world and equal rights.

Check out Straight Wives on Facebook!

2010-10-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,
Check out Straight Wives Facebook Page for our Straight Wives Blog Talk Radio! Bonnie Kay and I will use this Facebook page to update everyone on upcoming guest on our Blog Talk Radio Show. We will also post interesting and helpful articles related to Straight Wife issues. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/StraightWives/104245412947895?v=wall

Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian Straight Wives

2010-10-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

Wanting to send out a Happy Thanksgiving to my dear Straight Wife friends that live in Canada. May each of you have something very special to be Thankful for on this holiday weekend. Remember...you are LOVED and you are MAGNIFICENT. May your life be filled with Celebration and Thanksgiving throughout the whole year.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

Seven Years Straight

2010-10-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,
I would like to give a warm welcome to our Straight Wife contributing writer, PJ. PJ is a Straight Wife that knows the heartache, pain and suffering that comes along with unknowingly marrying a gay man. PJ thank you for your honesty and helping other Straight Wife readers with your story.
Love and many blessings to all,
Misti

Seven years ago this month I was a bride in love, marrying the man of my dreams, and the wedding photos certainly convey images of happily ever after. I had taken my time to remarry, about twelve years because marriage was a sacred, holy vow and I knew this time it was forever. Besides, I had done a lot of self improvement work in the years following my divorce and felt I had my life together as a mature and wiser woman of 44. I was comfortable in my own skin and with living alone. I trusted that I had done the work to attract a loving, trusting relationship with a man who would love, honor and cherish me if that’s what I wanted for my life.

Only hours after exchanging those vows on a beautiful autumn day, I sensed a shift in my newly wedded husband. He wasn’t at all interested in having the reception party end or get to our honeymoon suite for our own private toast. I justified it because it was his first wedding, a 40 year old bachelor celebrating his long-awaited day; one that he had shared with so many friends as their best man throughout the years. (Besides, we’d been living together as a couple for the past year, so why not let him celebrate?) Eventually, in the early morning hours, he invited a few close friends to join us in our suite for yet another bottle of champagne. One friend in particular (whom I’d only met once before) continued to drink with my husband until it was clear he was unable to drive. To my astonishment, my husband asked me if the friend could sleep on the sofa in our suite. Of course I did! I tried to dismiss it with the fact that he also was drunk and not thinking clearly, but what I couldn’t dismiss was that I felt invisible and second to his friend. Fortunately, a couple intervened and took the friend to their home. We carried on with our wedding night, robotically, with the passion of the plastic bride and groom wedding cake topper. I never spoke of how uncomfortable I was on my wedding night with anyone. A couple of days later we left for our honeymoon in Paris. It would be the third night there, in the most romantic city in the world, before we would have sex again and the only time of the trip. I realize now it was just sex and never love-making. I convinced myself at the time it was, because to not, would have been unbearable. After all, HE was the man of my dreams, my soul mate for life. Surely the man of my dreams understood my desires, and wanted to fulfill them. Just as I wanted to fulfill his dreams as the wife he’d waited 40 years to marry. He just needed time and I just needed patience.

Why would I always recall our wedding night with such a strange chill and sensation? Was my wedding night a blessing or curse because I was given insight so soon of things to come in this marriage? I have struggled with those questions for the past seven years. Only recently I’ve come to learn my marriage is almost a text book case of a gay husband in deep denial of his homosexuality. There has been no shortage of red flags waving while I’ve been maintaining a white picket fence around my own denial. The alcoholism, constant job changes, drama, defensiveness, entitlement, and the tactics to become either distant or create a fight rather than be intimate with me. But of course, this was either my imagination or my fault and there was no apology large enough to make it right.

In my search for truth and honesty about our marriage, I have to acknowledge plenty of good times together. My husband can be incredibly funny and charming. There have tender and kind moments from the same man who is a mean alcoholic and narcissist. Were those times that felt so genuine and real just a big lie? Were they the accessories to the package deal sold to me during the two years before the walk down the isle of denial? All my spiritual teachings emphasize focusing on the good that is present in everyone to create more good. Perfect reasoning to ignore the bad behavior of the man I no longer recognized as the one I fell in love with. It seemed that the more I focused on his good qualities and worthiness, the angrier he became. He drank more and became even more distant. It defied all that made sense in a loving and intimate relationship between a man and woman. I felt like I was like trying to change the order of the seasons just to co-exist. Forced to my knees countless times, I have prayed for an absolute, conclusive event exposing his lie so we could just have one big fight and end what should have never began. I’ve wanted a fast marital death, not years on life support.

I do have reason to celebrate my seven year anniversary; if for no other reason than to be grateful for the truth and my decision to accept it even if my gay husband cannot. I realize there’s plenty of pain to go along with it, but I get to choose the length of suffering. I’ve earned that right. A close friend of mine, who has experienced a good deal of her own pain, has a saying when she thinks she is feeling sorry for herself. She’ll jokingly say “I guess I should get down off this cross so someone else can use the wood”. It makes me laugh every time. I have no doubt I’ll climb onto my own cross often while I grieve over my marriage or the illusion of one. And I will let myself, for however long it takes, until it’s no longer mine to climb or carry.
PJ -
A Straight Wife

Terry McMillan on the Oprah Show

2010-09-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

If you are a Straight Wife I hope you were able to watch the Oprah show today. I am grateful that some light was shed for Straight Wives who have unknowingly married Gay men. Having experienced this personally and supporting women professionally as a life coach/therapist, this is a very REAL problem that lacks awareness. It is not an issue of being homophobic. The issues arise from a deep sense of betrayal. It is a betrayal that creates what I call a Soul Wound. It shakes the foundation and core of WHO and HOW you define (ed) yourself. There is limited support for Straight Wives. I hope this brings more awareness and support opportunities for Straight Wives. Thank you Terry McMillan for being so honest and open about being a Straight Wife!

A Day of Remembrance

2010-09-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Nine years ago today one of America's worst tragedies took place....9-11. It was a senseless act of horror that caused many lives to perish. May today be a day of REMEMBRANCE and HONOR for all Americans and especially those that lost loved ones. May today also be a day of HONOR for all of our Soldiers..past and present. Wishing healing and peace to all.

2010-09-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Dear Friends,

As you can tell, I slowed down a bit to enjoy the summer. I have enjoyed visiting the mountains, splashing my feet in the ocean, visiting friends, visiting family, reading and doing my favorite past time...creating art. I found time to rejoice in the simple pleasures of life. As I tell all of my clients...IT IS THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO CREATING A MAGNIFICENT LIFE!!!

What are your simple pleasures?

What simple pleasure can you commit to this week?

Some ideas:

Sit by a body of water (an ocean, lake, river or pond) and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Make cupcakes and share them with friends.

Browse the bookstore and buy yourself a book to read.

Visit your local library and sign up for a free class.

Visit your local farmer's market and shop for ingredients for a new recipe.

Go to the movies...all by yourself!

Dance in the rain.

Love and many blessings,

Misti

July 4th...My INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

2010-07-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!

Happy July 4th!!! This special holiday has many meanings for me. First of all, today is a very special day for our country. Today is a day of celebration and remembrance for declaring our independence from our Mother land. So, I always consider it USA's birthday. So, Happy Birthday to this great land of freedom and all the melting pot of people that live here...past and present.

Even more importantly, this celebration would not be complete without mentioning our soldiers. I also want to thank our soldiers and veterans for providing our freedom and protecting our people. Without you and your service....we would not have the freedoms that we have in this great land. So, THANK YOU and God Bless you and keep you safe.

Lastly, this great holiday is very significant to my own independence. Each July 4th I count my blessings of FREEDOM. On this very special day, I reflect over my past and realize how far I have come since I emancipated myself from a gay husband that became very violent and abusive over the years. My ex being gay was a small in comparison to the daily abuse and violence that I suffered.

Looking back over those years, I ask myself...."why did I stay?". The only answer I have is...I didn't realize how volatile the situation was because I was living and dancing inside the circle of crazy. When I was inside this circle of crazy, I became an expert at adapting to the environment and demands around me. I had to adapt to survive. Some days it literally meant life or death. On a good day I existed. On a bad day I dodged life-threatening abuse. I had no courage or strength to fight back. My life seemed worthless to him and to myself. I was blind to finding a way out. I had no courage or strength to fight back.

I prayed to God every night to help me out of the situation. I was beginning to think that my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Had I been a bad person to deserve this treatment? Was this my lot in life? Was this as good as life gets? FINALLY my Divine intervention arrived. However, not the way I had wished for or expected.

A chain of tragic events led to my Divine intervention. I was away on a trip visiting my Dad for his birthday. During the visit my dearest uncle passed away. He was young and it was very unexpected. The death of my uncle made me extend my trip "home". I staid for the funeral and it felt comfortable being "home" close to my roots and near my parents/family. Within a week of my uncle passing, my Dad had a near fatal car accident and I had to extend my stay even longer to help my Mom care for my Dad. While I was away from the now ex-husband, I realized that life was easier, even in the midst of my grief. There was a simpler way of life! A life that I didn't have to physically and emotionally protect myself around the clock. A life where people loved me and wanted me to be around them. It was on this trip that I allowed love to enter my life again. My uncle passing and my Dad nearly passing helped me to realize how important it is to feel love and be loved. Once I let the true love in, I truly had an awakening to the vividness of life and all the opportunities out there waiting for me. Within a few months, I secretly filed for divorce. The day I signed those divorce papers my life began. It was my INDEPENDENCE, my FREEDOM, my EMANCIPATION from abuse and a marriage that should have never been. It was my opportunity to fix a mistake...or mismarriage.

Reflecting back, I realize that I had many answered prayers and opportunities to leave. God had not turned a deaf ear to me. I lived in fear for so many years that I looked over many opportunities to leave. I was too busy dancing inside the circle of crazy.

So to all women out there, those married to abusive straight men or abusive gay men, live the life you deserve. Love was not meant to hurt or be life-threatening. L-E-A-V-E. No, it is not easy to leave. Most abusers make it difficult for their partners to leave a marriage or relationship. However, YOU CAN. You CAN. You CAN. Remember the children's story of the little train that could! Well, you can be that little train that could. It may take a plan...but, make that plan. There are Domestic Violence Shelters in or near every town in this great country we live. It may not be your posh..and cozy house, but, it can be protection and the gateway to a life full of opportunities minus the abuse. You deserve a magnificent life!

Enjoy this great INDEPENDENCE DAY...in a great country where we have amazing forefathers that have given us freedom and choices for men and WOMEN! Happy July 4th!!!

God bless,

Misti

Happy Father's Day Dad!

2010-06-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day wishes would not be complete without me wishing my own Dad a big Happy Father's Day! So, Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I also want to remind Straight Wives out there that sometimes your own parents can be more supportive than you ever imagined. If you have good relationships with your family, do not underestimate the support and love they can give you during the "discovery period". My parent's helped me weather the storm that I thought I would have to walk alone. They helped carry me and my burdens.

Reflecting back on discovering that my ex-husband was/is gay....I was completely devastated. Initially I did not seek the support of my parents. I was embarrassed and assumed that they would not understand my pain, devastation and hurt. Well, I was WRONG. Thankfully, I finally found the courage to tell my parents that I was secretly filing for divorce and I needed their emotional support. My parents rose to the occasion and they supported me the WHOLE way.

They even understood that I could not "fix" my ex and transform him to being a Straight husband (this is HUGE because they belong to a very conservative church). They lovingly listened as I explained to them how I hid the physical and mental abuse. I told them everything....the double life my ex was leading, the affairs he was having and the abuse I experienced. They were shocked...but, not as shocked as I thought they would be. Being my parents they had sensed a strain in my marriage. They revealed to me that they knew things were not going well. However, they admitted that they had no idea of the physical and mental abuse I had gone through. But, shocking to me, they had suspected all along that my then husband was Gay.

Thankfully, my parents did understand. They were devastated because I had not come to them earlier! They gave me love and support all the way through the divorce process. They took me back under their wings of protection...and it felt good. It was a welcome reprieve from keeping the secrets and hiding my pain from them.

So, please realize that your parents may understand this situation better than you think!

On this Father's Day...I say, Daddy.......THANK YOU for all of the love, support, understanding, sternness (but, softness when I need it)....and ALWAYS being there!

Much LOVE to You and Mom,

Your Daughter...Misti

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Wanting to wish Happy Father's Day to all of you "Daddy's" out there. If you are a Gay Dad that has been a part of a Gay/Straight Marriage...it is my wish for you that you have been able to establish and maintain a healthy parental relationship with your child(ren).

I work with many mothers that are concerned about the relationship their ex-Gay husband will or will not have with their children. Please remember that divorced parents find ways to be a hands on parent every day. It may take a lot of work and effort to maintain a "civil" relationship after a divorce. But, in the end.....when you have children...it is worth the extra negotiation.

I am not saying to discount your pain and frustration as a spouse. However, I am saying...do not let your children bear your burden of pain. Whether you are the Gay or Straight Spouse, find appropriate support to help ease your pain. Parents MUST take care of themselves emotionally and physically to be great parents to their children. So, as parents, remember to take care of yourself and find support to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

So, if you are a separated or divorced Gay/Straight couple, I hope you have put your children's needs and welfare above your own hurt and frustrations. Keep the children out of your pain. Allow the children to love and enjoy the company of both parents. Children are precious and a gift to the world. Parents....love your children, support your children, visit your children often, encourage your children, etc. Most importantly stay involved in your children's life and inspire them to live a magnificent life full of love.

Just My Opinion.....

2010-06-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

Often times I here from others that it must be much easier discovering that your spouse is gay and having an affair with a man vs. being straight and having an affair with a woman. Well, professionally and personally speaking, this is not true. There is no solace in finding out your husband has had an affair with a man instead of a woman. I am not discounting infidelity in any relations. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust a couple may experience. Then add on top of the betrayal a discovery that your husband is Gay. It makes the whole situation more complicated. Thus, for most Straight Spouses it adds more layers of complication and grief to work through. This type of discovery (finding out that our husband/mate is Gay) changes who you are...how you define yourself...how you see yourself...and brings on a level of shame and guilt that is hard to describe, unless you have experienced it. Not only do Straight Wives deal with infidelity.....they usually walk into the closet with their Gay husband/partner.

To many outsiders it seems like a "no-brainer".....your husband is Gay, so separation should be more simple. If only that was the case! It is not simple. So, if you are a Straight Spouse and you feel abnormal the next time you hear, "Oh, it must be easier because your husband cheated with a man"...please understand they have not experienced your situation. Dear Straight Wives you DO NOT have to discount your pain, your frustration, your grief, your emotions, etc. This is a very pain situation....a crisis at best. For all others, please be extra cautious when trying to discount some one's pain. It doesn't make the person feel better...let them feel their pain and as a friend, practice being a listener for them.

June Saturday Seminar: Self-Esteem

2010-05-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Saturday Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Saturday Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Saturday Seminar in June. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Saturday Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: June Saturday Seminar/Telecourse
When: June 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Saturday Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer. Also, please note that your privacy is respected in the Saturday Seminars and Workshops. You can register under an anonymous name. The Saturday Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number.

The Damaged Feminine Spirit

2010-04-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my feminine identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. Unfortunately, I have not been alone in this feeling. Many of the women I work with have a wounded or damaged femininity. The years of sexual rejection and lack of intimacy erodes away the femininity of many Straight Wives.
The damaged femininity does not arrive overnight. Often times, it is a result of years of abusive comments or lack of intimacy. Bit by bit, pieces of femininity are put into what I call, “remission”. Years of being neglected sexually or receiving derogatory comments would assault any woman’s femininity. After hearing comments long enough, or being intimately neglected long enough, we tend to start believing the comments or actions as our TRUTHS. Thus, internalizing and placing blame on ourselves and seeing ourselves as “less than”. For example, only if I was thinner, he would desire me sexually. Only if I was prettier, he would desire me. Only if I dressed better, he would desire me. Only if my breasts were larger, he would desire me. Only if I was a better wife, he would desire me more. Etc.

Unfortunately, if you are a Straight Wife, chances are high that you have put your femininity into remission. Femininity is a very important essence of every woman put on the face of this earth. Femininity is not something to hide. It is something to be proud of. Most importantly, femininity should be honored and restored.

Femininity can be restored. It has nothing to do with your age, size, ethnicity, etc. Most of the restoration has to do with your beliefs....and negative beliefs about our femininity can be changed to positive and accepting beliefs. One of the most important keys is to realize that you are worthy and deserving of being a woman. Another important key to restoring femininity is to ask yourself the following questions:

What makes me feel like a woman?

When have I felt feminine and sexy in the past…what was I doing to feel that way?

Answering the above questions will give you clues as to how to jump start on reclaiming your femininity. Every woman at any age, size or ethnicity needs to feel honored and respected as a woman. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again.

If you would like more support on restoring your femininity, consider giving yourself the gift of a one on one coaching package. Each package is designed to fit your specific needs and we can work specifically on restoring your femininity. Restoring your femininity is a must for any woman that has been in a Gay/Straight marriage.

Many blessings to you,

Misti

Happy Easter/Happy Spring

2010-04-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

To those of you that celebrate Easter...Happy Easter! To those of you that do not...Happy Spring on this beautiful day!

My Happy Easter/Happy Spring wish for you....

May you rise above your struggles....

and find the PEACE and LOVE

that you deserve in your

life.

ANYWAY.....

2010-04-03T13:35:00.001-07:00

Over the years of working with Straight Wives it is very common for Straight Wives to be troubled by what other people may say or think of them. It saddens me that someone will let their happiness and well-being hinge on someone else's belief or opinion of them. As a result, I often see Gay/Straight couples remaining together out of this type of fear.

A Gay/Straight marriage has enough issues for the couple to process and deal with...and surely doesn't need outside negative opinions! Unfortunately, many negative judgments are placed on the Straight Wife. Many people seem to be great at offering unsolicited hurtful advice! Always remember, YOU know what is best for YOU. Seek professional counseling/coaching to help the both of you come to terms with your situation. Don't spend time worrying about outsider's opinions. The opinions that matter are from the Husband, Wife and Children. And to remind yourself of this, I am posting a copy of a poem that Mother Teresa hung on a wall of the orphanage she founded in Calcutta. The author of the poem is unknown.

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and

some true enemies;

Succeed anyway, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It is never between you and them anyway.

unknown

I hope this poem inspires you to be the best you can be and to live the best life you can live. YOU deserve a life full of LOVE, JOY, HAPPINESS, HOPE and JOY. May you realize it is there for you....but remember, the road to finding it is not always the easiest road to travel. However, it is well worth it to find and live an authentic life.

Happy Spring!

2010-03-09T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

Spring is almost here! Spring is one of my favorite seasons. It always comes after the darkest and coldest season....Winter. Winter time can be very depressing when you are going through difficult times and life transitions.

I have spent all day out in nature today to witness all the signs of Spring and rebirth. Digging in the fresh earth smelled and felt so good on my hands. As I cleared my yard....I also intentionally cleared my mind. I mindfully pulled the weeds and cleared up the Winter debris. As I pulled the weeds, I asked myself....What "weeds" do I need to pull from my life? What is no longer serving me? What new "flowers" do I need to grow and nurture in my life this year? As I was clearing away the old to make room for the new, I zoned out into a mindful moving meditation...if you will. It was very refreshing to inventory my life. Every so often I take inventory of my life. So, I can I add more enjoyment....and let go of things that are draining. I suggest that you also do some Spring cleaning in your "garden". Ask yourself the same questions...and trust your answers. Remember...the tiny acorn is the seed for the majestic oak tree. The great oak grows from a tiny seed. What seeds do you need to plant this year?

This Spring I encourage you to let go of the old that is no longer serving you...and plant the new into your garden of life. If you want a good start on Spring, I suggest you to sign up for March's Saturday Seminar. Our topic will be Grief. You will be given tools to help release Grief. So, you can make room for the more enjoyable things in life. You will also be given a downloadable booklet on Grief to print and keep. I have a few spaces left if you are interested. Email me quick to reserve your spot.

Love and many blessings to you,
Misti

March Saturday Seminar: Grief

Grief is the topic for the Saturday Seminar Telecourse in March. This Saturday Seminar is scheduled for March 13 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. I will discuss a model of Grief and how it fits into the Recovery process of discovering that your spouse/partner is gay. Understanding Grief can often help in the healing journey. During this Saturday Seminar I will also share tips on how to ease the Grief pain and how to move forward in the process. The Saturday Seminar Telecourse will be a mixture lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help during the Grieving process and a downloadable Grief packet. Come join in on this live group Telecourse from the comforts and privacy of your home to learn more about Grief and the healing process.
What: March Saturday Seminar Telecourse
When: March 13, 2010 at 1:00 PM-2:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Grief packet. Arrangements can be made to mail the Grief packet if you do not have a printer.

Support Team

2010-03-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

Discovering your mate is gay can be devastating. When we, Straight Wives, get this news our world crumbles.....and we find ourselves in a "fog". A "fog" is when you are not thinking as clearly and rational as you would normally. The "fog" sometimes dulls our ability to make "sound" decisions and it is a natural response to a Grief reaction. Often times when we find ourselves in a "fog" of emotions...it is beneficial to surround ourselves with people that LOVE us and have our best interests at heart. In an effort to survive the "fog" and to be able to make better decisions it is very important to create a Support Team. A good Support Team can help you get on your healing path. As well as, help you remain focused when the path is full of obstacles.

What is a Support Team? A Support Team is a group of friends and family members that have your best interest at heart. It is someone you know that is mindful of your welfare and well-being. It is someone that treats you with respect and honors who you are. It is someone that offers support to you emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. without being controlling and telling you what to do. It is someone that has the ability to be a great listener. It is someone that lives with integrity. It is someone you counted on in the past. So, who in your life can you identify that are strong in above areas? Once you identify the people, make a list. Try to come up with at least 5 people that will be on your Support Team. Once you identify those 5 people, take the time to talk with each of them. See what their thoughts are...and if they are okay with being a part of your team. You may be very surprised how willing someone is to help you when you ASK! Do not assume they know you need the help and support! Ask them.

Many people also have at least one professional on their Support Team. It could be someone you have a professional relationship with. For example, a professional Support Team member could be a Life Coach, Therapist, Minister, Chaplain, Priest, Rabbi, etc. There are some benefits to having a professional as one of your Support Team members. The greatest benefit being, the professional member should be trained in helping you untangle situations. Therefore you can approach situations with greater clarity to make better decisions. Another benefit being, the professional Support Team member should be unbiased in the situation. Therefore, he/she can offer different solutions from many different perspectives. Thus, the professional Support Team member may be able to uncover more solutions/options than you have thought of.

Collectively, this special group of people in your Support Team can be your "sounding" board when you are making a decision. As well as, be there when you need someone to listen or vent to. Everyone needs a Support Team when heading through major life transitions. A good quality Support Team can make a huge difference in your ability to heal. Take the time to make a list of your support team today.

When Happily Ever After Turns to Miserable Ever Since....

2010-02-14T10:16:00.001-08:00

Has your Happily Ever After fell apart? Did your Happily Ever After turn into Miserable Ever Since I Discovered? Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses find ourselves in a situation of not knowing of whether to stay......or whether to leave. Obviously, no one wants to find themselves in this situation. Therefore, it can be easier to bury our heads in the sand......and wish for it all to go away. Chances are......it isn't going away any time soon. Therefore, sooner or later you and your Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will need to sort out your future together.......or apart. Ideally, both of you will discuss the transition of dealing with a Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner and develop a plan of integrity and pave the road to both of you living an authentic life.

Unfortunately, many Straight Spouses have to sort this situation out on their own. Often times the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual partner will dismiss their Straight Spouse's intuition or discovering evidence. This dismissal is not only damaging, it leads to guilt and shame in the Straight Spouse. After feeling guilt and shame for long enough..the Straight Spouse has a tendency to internalize the relationship issues and blame themselves for the problems and issues in the marriage/relationship. Then, the Straight Spouse sets themselves up for a whole host of unrealistic self expectations. "I will do THIS....and he/she will love me more. I will do THAT...and he/she will love me more." This type of disillusionment puts us on the merry go round of failure and leads to an assault on our ability to love and be loved.

Ultimately, the greatest love is the LOVE FOR OURSELVES. We must learn to Love and Accept ourselves. We cannot solely depend on a healthy love outside of ourselves and not grow and nurture our own Self Love.

When we give away our power in Self Love, we set ourselves up for potential disasters. For example, if we do not LOVE ourselves and expect love to come from our partner....then we are only fed the type of LOVE they are willing to give. What if your partner doesn't know how to love you the way you deserve to be loved? What if your partner has a tendency to be manipulative and abusive? What kind of Love will your partner deliver? If you remain dependent to receive Love outside of yourself.....you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and unhealthy relationship patterns.

Once we seek outside Love long enough, it can become toxic. A toxic love is not healthy! A toxic love is prone to be riddled with abuse, neglect and very conditional. For example...."only if you were thin enough I would love you more, only if you had a better job....I would love you more, if we have a child we will love each other more, "etc. Conditional love erodes our ability to Love and function in a healthy manor. After you have exposed yourself long enough....you will start to believe the conditions.....the terrible comments.....or accept the neglect/lack of Love. Once that line has been crossed, we tend to find ourselves feeling miserable and unworthy of Love. Often times these feelings trap us in a relationship because we feel, "this is the best I can do...and who would want me?"

Even though Love is a primal instinct we seek, we often overlook the foundation to the greatest love of all........LOVING OURSELVES! Yes, loving ourselves builds a solid foundation for a healthy love.

Love is like a garden. You must plant the seeds of LOVE....water them.... WEED them...and fertilize properly. Sometimes is it hard to discern the weeds from the seedlings of LOVE. So, you tenderly make decisions to pluck the weed....or allow the weed to grow. If you choose to nurture more weeds than love seedlings.....you will risk not having a bountiful harvest and possibly experience a famine of LOVE. If you choose to cultivate more LOVE seeds than weeds, you will be rewarded with an abundant harvest. Gardening takes time and patience....and needs to be sprinkled with courage. You must tend your garden often and mindfully to allow your LOVE to grow. When you are ready for harvest, enjoy your fruits and share them. Remember, planting Love seeds is not a one crop effort.....one must continually plant LOVE seeds in the garden to experience a stable supply of fruits!

Self Love can begin with very basic and simple steps. A well balanced Self Love has a mixture of behaviors that nurture the body, mind and spirit.

You can start by making a list of 20 things that you love to do....or simple things that bring you pleasure and joy. When you make your list, include a variety of things to "feed" your body, mind and spirit. When making this list you can ask yourself:

What makes me feel in touch with my spiritual being?

What makes me feel good about my body?

What are things that reduce my stress and anxiety?

Then, commit to following through with action! Pick out an activity to do at least once a week. If you commit to doing something for yourself once a week......by the end of the month you have done 4 great things for yourself. The end of the year.....you have done 52 great things for yourself. It is also wise to continually add to your list of things to do/try. It is the accumulation of doing those great things and the commitment to continually do those great things for yourself that add up to cultivate Self Love, Self Confidence, Self Esteem and Discover/Rediscovery of the Self. You are worth the effort!

Do you have weeds in your garden of Love? If so, what weeds are you willing to "thin out" and what variety of seeds are you willing to plant that will build up your SELF LOVE? Are you committed to nurturing and cultivating your garden of LOVE?

If you would like help in cultivating your "garden of Self Love" contact me at

MistiLynnHall @aol.com to schedule a complimentary 30 sample session and to learn more about my Life Coaching services.

Much LOVE and BLESSINGS to you,

Misti

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T00:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers......

These are the things I wish for you on this Valentine's Day....whether you are married, separated, divorced or single...

May you settle for MORE in life....

May you feel that you are BEAUTIFUL....

May you learn how to LOVE YOURSELF deeply...

All LOVE affairs need to begin with LOVING YOURSELF first...

Broken HEARTS do mend...

May you allow LIGHT to enter where darkness resides within...

Forgiveness starts with OURSELVES...
Nurture your SPIRIT.....it is resilient...
May you allow yourself to let go of the pain....

May you discover a river of PEACE to flow through you...
May you understand that you will not have all the answers....just TRUST...

May you seek out JOY everyday....

May you reconnect with that inner child that loves to PLAY...
May you be on the path to your AUTHENTIC SELF.....

May you EMBRACE your AUTHENTIC SELF...

CELEBRATE your UNIQUENESS...
May you INDULGE in the SWEETNESS of life....

May you SHARE your GIFTS with the world....

LOVE and MANY BLESSINGS to you...

Misti

February Seminar & Workshop

2010-01-27T01:01:00.000-08:00

In addition to the individual Straight Spouse Coaching services, I am excited to offer the following groups this February:

February Seminar and Workshop

February Saturday Seminar: LOVE
The Topic for the Saturday Seminar (Telecourse) in February is LOVE. This seminar is all about the most important LOVE relationship you will have in your life....YOURSELF. The Telecourse will focus on ways to practice Self-Love and ways to build your Self-Esteem. If you have been, or you are currently in a Straight/Gay marriage, this may be one of the most important Saturday Seminars to attend. The Telecourse will be a mixture of deep breathing, visualization (for relaxing), lecture, discussion and activities to cultivate Self-Love and Self-Esteem. This Saturday Seminar includes a downloadable workbook.
What: February Saturday Seminar (Telecourse)
When: February 13, 2010 at 1:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the workbook. Arrangements can be made to mail the workbook if you do not have a printer.

Reclaim the Feminine Spirit
After years of being married to a gay man, my FEMININE SPIRIT was completely broken. Once I divorced, I felt like an "it". The years of being married to a gay man stripped away my FEMININE identity. I felt like a body without a gender. I felt more like a sexless "it" than a woman. I had lost the essence of the woman within. With work and effort, I discovered a "recipe" to reconnect with my femininity. Does your Feminine Spirit feel broken, neglected or damaged? If so, this workshop is for you! I will share my experience, helpful tips and exercises to tap into your Feminine essence. This workshop will last for 4 weeks and it will focus on recapturing your FEMININE SPIRIT! The classes will be held on 4 consecutive Monday evenings at 8:30PM (Eastern Standard Time Zone). The first class will be conducted on February 15 and go through March 8, 2010. You deserve to see your BEAUTY, own your POWER, live your TRUTH and Love the FEMININE within. HONOR her and let her shine again. This class is designed for all Straight Spouses...regardless of where you are in the journey.
What: Reclaim the Feminine Spirit Workshop/Telecourse
When: The class will meet via telephone on February 15, February 22, March 1, & March 8
Time: 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone
Cost: $150.00
Supplies Needed: Access to a telephone, access to email, a journal, colored pencils or crayons.

Please contact me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com to register and payment arrangements.

Love and Blessings,

Misti

What IF???

2010-01-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

I recently attended a friend and family get together. It was a very pleasant social affair. Lots of food, good conversation, updates on our lives, wine, etc. Everything that makes a get together warm and cozy. Even though it had all of the ingredients for a fabulous night....it became an extra special night. The kind of special night that you get to eat the cake and icing too! It was a night with a "gift" that I will never forget.

On this particular night a family came with their young adult children to the party. They were home from college and each child brought their boyfriend and girlfriend along. The interesting part...one of their children is a lesbian...and she brought her girlfriend to the gathering.

All night I caught myself starring and talking to the Lesbian couple....and please know, it wasn't a condescending conversation or stare...it was a stare and conversation of gratefulness. My heart was full and I was so grateful to see a loving "normal" family be so accepting of their daughter's sexuality. Their daughter being a Lesbian is normal for their family....and it was normal for their daughter's girlfriend to be a part of their family's activities.

Seeing the family interactions, especially with their daughter and her girlfriend was a "gift" to me. It reminded me that there are parents out there that love their children regardless of their sexual orientation. It reminded me that some parents do accept their children's sexuality and allow their children to grow into loving and caring adults. Most importantly, it reminded me that (some) parents encourage their children to live their truth......regardless if it fits the social and religious "norm".

After I left the party, I kept thinking....WHAT IF my ex-husband's family encouraged him to live his truth? WHAT IF they had accepted him for who he really was? WHAT IF my ex-husband did not feel like he had to hide behind a marriage? WHAT IF my ex-husband did not have to feel shame and frustration? WHAT IF a strict religious upbringing did not condemn him to hell? WHAT IF my ex-husband felt safe to be who he was meant to be? WHAT IF.....WHAT IF.... The WHAT IF's ruminated in my mind as I danced around with different outcomes.

Obviously, my life story would have been written differently....and our paths may have crossed as friends instead of getting married and departing as enemies through a nasty and hurtful divorce.

Dear readers...be respectful to others for their uniqueness. I am not asking you to change your beliefs...you don't have to agree with them politically, religiously, etc. Just open your mind and open your heart to consider for a moment....WHAT IF I looked at a situation from a different view point.....how would my world view be different? Is there an area of my life that I need to shed more compassion? Embrace your own differences....live your truth....as a result, others will be more accepting and respectful of you. Have compassion towards others. When we find ourselves ready to judge.......pause for a moment and practice having compassion rather than condemnation. We never truly know someone's circumstances or their story. How can we judge someone else's story.....when we can barely understand our own story? BE the change you wish to see.

Love & Blessings,

Misti

Haiti Earthquake

2010-01-18T21:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

My heart is heavy for Haiti. This past week we have seen a horrific tragedy in Haiti. I am afraid this is only the beginning of their crisis. If they do not get the proper relief and medical care...I assume things will escalate and more humans will perish.

I have traveled to Haiti years ago. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. However, during my visit I could not comprehend the poverty. No one wore shoes...the few that did have shoes, their shoes were one of a kind. I remember talking to a woman in the market. I assumed she was in her mid 40's. As we talked...I discovered that she was a teenager. A mere 14 years old. I suppose this young lady appeared so much older due to the harshness of her life circumstances. Her image has been forever etched into my mind. I have often wondered where she is today...or what her life is like. Possibly she has not survived this earthquake.

Please dig deep into your pockets...and send a donation to help Haiti. There are many organizations out there needing donations and money for Haiti. So, pick your favorite organization and send them a donation for Haiti. Even if you cannot send money....please send your prayers and well-wishes. Haiti needs all the help they can get at this time.

For those of you that send a donation to Haiti I will offer you a discount on any of my coaching services for the month of January.

Love and blessings,

Misti

Healthy Diversions

2010-01-06T00:24:00.000-08:00

Healthy diversions can be a very integral part of the healing process. Healthy diversions can make a huge difference in whether you survive the journey...or thrive in your journey. The following are just a few healthy diversions. Please feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment.

1) Journaling
Do you need someone to talk to in middle of night when you wake up from sleep? Do you feel like no one understands you? Or, are you afraid that you may turn to unhealthy habits...such as excessive drinking? If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions, journaling may be a great healthy diversion for you. Pull out your journal...and write it out. Express how you feel. Allow those thoughts to spill onto paper...and out of your head. Do not worry about grammar or punctuation. Just let it flow, even if the words do not make sense. Journaling allows you to release emotions and gain clarity. It can also help you identify triggers and patterns in your emotions. For example...you may be able to discover a trigger that makes you sad...angry...etc. Always put a date on your journal entries. In the days to come...you can reflect back on your entries to see how far you have come.

2) Affirmations
Never underestimate the power of kind words! If you find yourself in a habit of negative self talk.. an excellent way to retrain ourselves is through using an opposite positive version. For example, if you keep telling yourself.."I can't do ______"..."I will not be able to finish _______".......you can change those phrases around to:
I can do ______ with ease. I will finish ______ with ease.
Affirmations can take the power out of the negativity. This is also a great foundation for building up self-esteem.
Louise L. Hay has many books with positive affirmations. Many book stores have her books in the "Self Help" section.

3) Take a class
For example....learn more about your finances. Take an investment class. Learn the investment lingo. Put yourself in power of your financial future. Get into the "know" of where your money is going. Learn how to save for a secure and comfortable retirement. Other classes to consider....foreign language, art or craft class, healthy cooking class, etc.

4) Join a book club.
If you have a love for reading....this may be an excellent way for you to meet new people and to stimulate your mind.

5) Yoga
Yoga can be very calming and it can quiet the mind. Yoga can also be a great way to feel "centered" and to find clarity.

6) Volunteer
Giving back can be a huge part of your healing process. However, only volunteer when you are ready...and start volunteering small increments of time. Do not commit to long hours of volunteering. Remember.....if you feel depleted..cut back on the commitment. If you continue to feel depleted...maybe the organization isn't a good "fit" for you. If this is the case...give a notice to the volunteer department and look into the possibility of volunteering for a different organization.

7) Feed your spirit.
What feeds your spirit? Is it prayer...meditation....attending church/temple/synagogue service....being in nature? Whatever it is...feed your spirit. Make sure you put aside enough time to honor this part of your being. In my healing process...this was one of the most important things I did. I always set aside time seek things out that "filled my cup".

What are you doing to be proactive in your healing process? Do you have a healthy diversion for the "hard days/moments"? If not, find a healthy diversion that suits your needs and personality. It will help your healing journey.

AIDS Awareness

2010-01-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

To all of you that know me and to those that do not, let me share with you an awareness that I am passionate about... AIDS AWARENESS. This is not a pretty disease. It is a horrible death sentence in many parts of the world where people have little, if any, access to medicine or access to preventive education.

Please know that AIDS does not discriminate. AIDS doesn't mind if you are gay or straight, young or old, black or white, man or woman. It crosses all boundaries, genders, cultures and socioeconomic status'. You cannot visibly look at someone and tell if they are "healthy" and free of HIV/AIDS. If you are planning to have sex with someone....both of you should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Yes, it may be awkward to ask a partner to be tested...but, it is much easier than showing up in a doctor's office with a diagnosis of HIV/AIDS. Always remember....when you have sex with someone....it is equivalent to you having sex with EVERY sexual partner they have had. So, get tested and request the same. If you cannot afford to be tested...go to your local health department. Health departments offer free and anonymous HIV testing.

I will leave you with this beautiful video from Starbucks for AIDS Awareness titled....

Love Project

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg

Happy NEW YEAR!!

2009-12-31T16:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader....

I want to wish you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR.

May your New Year be full of Love.

May your New Year be full of Fun Adventures.

May your New Year be full of Hope.

May your New Year be full of Peace.

May your New Year be full of great Health.

May your New Year be full of Laughter.

May your New Year be full of Beauty.

May your New Year be full of Blessings.

May your New Year be full of New Opportunities

May your New Year be full and Prosperous.

May your New Year be MAGNIFICENT!

You deserve all the best. My well wishes are with you and I hold each of you close to my heart. I am very thankful to work with many of you. I love every one of you. I know your circumstances and relationships are tough. I have been there too. It isn't easy...but, it is Survivable and YOU deserve only the best in your life. I BELIEVE IN YOU. May you have many blessings in 2010.

Ahhhhhh....YOU MADE IT!!

2009-12-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

Congratulations! You made it through the Holidays. Only one more to go...New Year's Eve/Day.

Every year I hear about how difficult the Holidays are to get through. I remember those days all too well....when I was in the midst of being married to a gay man. Everywhere I looked...I found a place to let my heart break again and again. I would notice happy couples in the mall.....my heart would break. I would see those Christmas movies with all the love, laughter and joy.....my heart would break. I would see couples holding hands.....my heart would break. I would pass by a jewelry store in a mall and notice men looking at diamonds for their sweetheart.....my heart would break. I would see a family with children in tow.....my heart would break. I would notice an elderly couple walking together.....my heart would break. I would go to church and notice all the love around me...while I felt empty, dark and unworthy on the inside...my heart would break again.

I would cry rivers on the inside. Yet, somehow I managed to keep a calm fake face on the outside. It was very difficult...and I paid a high price for doing so. Each day...I let a piece of my truth and being slip away. Each day the feelings of desperation, anger, "unfairness" ate deeper into my soul. I let a little piece of me slip away bit by bit. I replaced my missing pieces with numbness to get through another day....another month...another year.

Living in complete sorrow ....my soul, my purpose, my motivation, my inspiration, my joy...it all melted away. Somehow, the spirit of the Holidays heightened my fears and intensified my heart ache. So, my private Holiday on the inside was not happy, joyous or grateful. It was a deep dark sea of emotions that I couldn't navigate or untangle. I was lost inside my body.

Often I ask myself...HOW DID I DO THAT....and WHY DID I DO THAT? The answer......I was always hoping and wishing for a better tomorrow. I lived on borrowed hope. It took nearly 10 years for me to realize that I could not emotionally afford to live on hope that my marriage would improve...or that I could wish, hope and pray for my then husband to be straight. So, for the Holiday season of 1999 I declared I would create a NEW and BETTER life for myself. Once I made my decision...I began to gain some clarity. It was not a lot clarity......but, it was enough to help me find a road map out of my misery.

So....if your heart is aching from the Holidays...I hope you find yourself relieved that it is OVER. I hope you are able to repair your broken heart and may it be on the mend. I hope you find your road map to a future filled with all the joys of life. May you live a MAGNIFICENT life because YOU DESERVE IT! Gather your strength...and go into 2010 with the intention of healing. Heal your heart, body, mind and soul.

Love from my heart to yours....May 2010 be a better year for you!

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays

2009-12-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays....
May your heart be joyful with
any Holiday you celebrate!

My Holiday Wishes for you.....
May you discover your INNER STRENGTH,
May you find HOPE,
May you seek out INSPIRATION,
May you honor your CREATIVITY,
May you release the past and look forward to the FUTURE,
May you find the COURAGE to reach your GOALS,
May you discover your SELF WORTH,
Most of all....May you LOVE yourself and have amazing HEALTH!

I believe in you,
With Love,
Misti

Saturday Seminar Teleclasses

2009-12-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

Hello! I would like to "introduce" you to my new Saturday Seminars.
I will be conducting several Saturday Seminars (Teleclasses) throughout next year. The very first one will be conducted on January 2, 2010. The focus of the first Saturday Seminar will be on HEALING & GOAL SETTING for the New Year. Come join a group of Straight Spouses that are eager to change their life for the better. Start the New Year off in the right direction among a group of Straight Spouses that understand. This Telecourse will be beneficial for those currently in a Gay/Straight Marriage and those who are out of the Gay/Straight Relationship. After the Saturday Seminar is finished, I will hold an optional Question & Answer session for the participants. There will also be a bonus on the call. One random participant will receive a complimentary Straight Spouse Coaching session with me!

What: Saturday Seminar Teleclass
When: Saturday, January 2, 2010 @ 1:00PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $25.00
Note: You will need access to a phone to call into the Teleclass.

Are you ready to for positive changes in your life? Are you ready for a wonderful New Year? If so, contact me MistiLynnHall@aol.com for questions, registration and payment arrangements. Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season. Give yourself this important gift! You deserve it.

Your Straight Spouse "Sister",
Misti Hall, M.S.

Announcements....STEPPING Into Some New Things.....

2009-12-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

I would like to make a few announcements. Straight Spouse Coaching is stepping into some new directions and expanding services. First of all, lots of things have been going on behind the scenes at Straight Spouse Coaching. I have finally started a Newsletter. It is called Straight Spouse Sisters. The Newsletter is intended to be helpful for Straight Spouses and it addresses some of the struggles of Straight Spouses. There is so little information out there on our struggles...so, I thought it was time to start a Newsletter. I plan to offer the Newsletter at least 4 times per year. One for each season. If you would like to be on the mailing list, email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com .

I will also be offering some new classes and workshops in the upcoming New Year. Some of the new things I will be offering are...a membership email/network group, one day seminars in person and over the phone, monthly seminars focusing on specific topics, more guest blog posts, etc.

Last, but not least....I will be launching a Website in 2010! This has been a very exciting year for Straight Spouse Coaching and I am looking forward to 2010.

The BOOTS

I just HAD to buy the boots in the above photo. It was not an option to pass by them and leave them stranded on the shelf. They screamed out loud..."TAKE ME HOME". So, without much thought, I purchased the boots. I have had so much fun wearing them! They are not for the faint of heart. They definitely get attention...but, most importantly, they make me smile and I feel a sense of wonder when I have them on exploring the outdoors. Take time to have fun in your life. Go have some fun....If you are reading this blog...you probably need to infuse yourself with some goodness. As always....I wish you Hope, Joy and Love.

Holiday Workshop

2009-12-05T13:45:00.001-08:00

Hello and Happy Holidays to all. Holidays is the time of year when we are supposed to be happy, grateful, joyful, etc. Unfortunately, when you are going through any type of transition, like divorce, separation and/or discovery that your mate it gay, it can be tough to handle and depressing. Therefore, I have designed a workshop to support Straight Spouses through the December Holidays and into the New Year. Whether you are new into the discovery or years post separation/divorce....give yourself this Gift of support. I only have two spots left....so, if you are interested contact me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com to reserve your spot.

Workshop Description

I will be offering the Holiday Straight Spouse Workshop starting December 7, 09 at 8:30PM (Eastern Standard Time Zone). This workshop will meet once a week for 6 weeks (6 consecutive Mondays) over a bridge line phone number. So, from the privacy and convenient from your home...you dial into a number and we are all connected on the same phone line. We will discuss our stories and do different activities (homework) through out the 6 weeks. In between the calls, you can connect on a private Ning.com site. This site will allow you to post your homework, correspond with other members of the group, etc. All of the activities/homework assignments are optional. You are never asked to share something that you are uncomfortable sharing. Also remember that this is a PRIVATE group. Only those with an invite from the moderator (me) can enter. Coming together as a group can be very healing in and of itself. It shows us that we are NOT ALONE. Others have passed through this....and they have survived and thrived. Some of the things we will do in this group are: activities to raise self-esteem, discover ways to nurture ourselves, create a joy journal, etc.

Lost and Found

2009-11-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow Straight Spouse Sisters,

I would like to introduce you to our bright and beautiful fellow tribe member, Emily Pearson. Emily Pearson is an accomplished woman and has a way with words. In her own words she describes herself as a Full Time Single Mom, Writer, Actress, Recovering Mormon, and Die Hard Smart-Ass.

Emily is the author of several blogs. Two of her blogs are http://wearewildflowers.blogspot.com/

and

http://dancingwithcrazy.blogspot.com/

I encourage you to browse her blogs. She has an amazing writing style that intertwines straight spouse heartaches with a dose of humor. God knows we need humor where we can get it!

The following is a post originally written by Emily Pearson.......

LOST AND FOUND

To me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man.

Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.

We find ourselves being held hostage in his closet. The clothes are his. The smells are his. The shoes are his. It is dark and frightening and miserable. The worst part is that we let HIM have the key and we wait for HIM to decide whether or not we ever get to come out. Unless a woman has been there, it is impossible to understand the despair this situation brings.

Whether we decide to leave the marriage or stay - it is imperative that we rescue ourselves, separate ourselves from his sexuality and reclaim who we are. If you are a woman that has chosen to live with him in his closet I cannot recommend highly enough that you not blast the "He's gay" information from the rooftops but share the situation with ONE trusted friend or relative. I do believe that every gay person deserves to come out to who they want when they want and that their privacy should absolutely be protected. BUT the wife of a gay man desperately needs at least one person to confide in and get support from. Talk to someone.

And if you choose to stay - Honey, you take your freaking sledge hammer to that closet and expand it into the biggest walk in anyone has ever seen. Put in windows and vaulted ceilings and shelves and artwork and your clothing and your perfume and every alive and beautiful thing that screams YOU because this is your life too and remaining lost is no longer an option.

There are many, many painful problems that accompany marriages between gay and straight people but I think we often make it mean more than it really does. We let it be far bigger than it is and let it eclipse more than we should. Is it confusing and painful as hell? Without question. But does it mean what we make it mean - that we are not attractive, desirable, beautiful, talented, fun, alive and worthy of love? NO. It simply means he is gay and we do with that what we will. We claim for ourselves what we will.

Still married, separated or divorced the trick, and task, is to find ourselves again. Take out old pictures and remember who you were before he came into your life. Pick up old musical instruments and hobbies. Put on music. Dance. Run. Eat chocolate. Have as many Girl's Nights Out as you can. Paint your toenails bright red. Stare at your naked body in the mirror and have a conversation with it. I am not kidding. Tell your body that it is beautiful and desirable because it is female - not in spite of that fact. Do this every day until you believe it. Slather yourself with yummy lotion. Buy pretty lingerie just for YOU. Read books that YOU like. See movies that YOU like. Prepare food that YOU like.

Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for you. And, guess what? It doesn't have one teeny, tiny, little, itty, bitty thing to do with him.

The original post can be found here...http://wearewildflowers.blogspot.com/2009/02/lost-and-found.html

Thanks Emily!

Stepping Forward

2009-11-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

What a weekend!!! Bonnie Kaye and I facilitated a healing weekend in Miami for Straight Spouses. I must say....it was AMAZING. This large group of women were filled with compassion and love for each other. Each of them became instant friends due to the connection of having had (or currently having) a gay husband. Many of them, for the first time in their life, were able to share their struggles and triumphs among a group of women that truly understood. The pain was intense, but the healing presence was almost magical.

We are an amazing tribe of women worthy of all the best life has to offer. May you all STEP forward into that life filled with love, peace and joy. May you trust again....and forgive YOURSELF. You are worthy!

Stay tuned for additional weekend retreats.

Hugs and Love to all Straight Spouse Sisters out there.

Other People's Comments.....

2009-10-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

WARNING....I am ready to get on my soap box. Why do people make so many inappropriate comments to the Straight Spouse? I have encountered many unsavory comments from people. In my Life Coaching practice I hear about terrible comments on a daily basis from my clients. Unfortunately, these comments sting like a bee and can be damaging.

Rule number 1....if you don't know what to say, don't say anything. My Mother taught me this when I was in kindergarten. Come on people....you can understand this one!

Rule number 2....don't give "expert" advice about a subject in which you have no experience. The old saying goes.....walk a mile in my shoes before you comment and/or pass judgment.

Rule number 3....if you are going to throw rocks at me.....at least make them heart shaped.

All this stems from a conversation I had a few days ago. I ran into an acquaintance while I was out running errands. We had a very enjoyable conversation....until she asked what I was doing professionally. I explained to the acquaintance that I do Life Coaching for Grief related issues and for Straight Spouses. She applauded me for my work and I thanked her. Then, it went down hill from there! She continued to tell me that she "knew from the first time she saw my ex-husband that he was gay". That comment wasn't enough...she proceeded to say, "Well you knew he was gay when you married him. You can tell by how gay he acted. I knew he was gay. It was so obvious he was gay." I didn't think her expert "gaydar" comments were ever going to end. Finally, after silently counting to ten....taking a big deep breath.....and in an attempt to numb the STING of her comments, I looked at her squarely in the face and said, "do you think I would knowingly marry someone that I knew was gay?"......"do you think any Straight Spouse wants that type of hardship?".

The conversation ended and we began talking about something else. Needless to say, I left the conversation with a STING. It irritates me when someone gives unsolicited "expert" comments. Who grants them the entitlement to say rude comments? Maybe I am more sensitive to rude comments because I am trained as a therapist. I am trained to respect other people and their life circumstances. I am trained to not give unsolicited "expert" advice. None the less, it offended me for all Straight Spouses out there.

When people make comments such as this....the underlying messages to Straight Spouses are......you should have known better.....you asked for it.....you were stupid...etc. Well, Straight Spouses are none of the above. Most Straight Spouses, unknowingly marry gay men or lesbians. They fell in love with someone and hoped for a wonderful future. They fell in love and had no idea of the hardships and heart break their marriage would bring.

So, before you offer someone your opinion or expert advice, think twice. Are you contributing something positive to the person...or could it possibly be offensive? Most of all, don't assume you know some one's story. Be compassionate and kind to others. And...don't be throwing rocks at people....we ALL live in glass houses.

Self-Esteem

2009-10-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

Often times straight spouses have little to no self-esteem. Knowing that your spouse is gay can be very damaging to your self-esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic. Then add a gay spouse to mix.....it spells for disaster in the self-esteem department.

So, as a straight spouse, how can you rebuild your self-esteem? Thankfully, there are many things to rebuild your self-esteem, self-love, confidence, etc. First of all, start with the basics. The basics can be any form of self-nurturing practice. Some good self-nurturing habits can be....

Taking 5 minutes to do deep breathing/cleansing breaths, express your feelings by writing in a journal, create positive affirmations for yourself, take a walk out in nature...breathe the fresh air, exercise, eat wholesome foods, drink lots of water, try a new hair style, etc.

Often times we forget our basic needs while living in the jungle of life. It is especially important to practice self-love and self-nurture while navigating through your gay/straight relationship. The more you take care of yourself.....the faster your confidence, self-esteem and self-love will grow.

So, take time for yourself...you are worthy of self-care and self-love. Do something for yourself TODAY!

Workshop Update

2009-10-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

Where has the time gone to this fall? I am late in posting...time seems to run away! Anyway, I would like to let you know that I have a couple of spots left in the next workshop. The workshop starts October 14, 2009 and will meet for 6 consecutive Wednesdays via telephone from 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. The workshop has been changed a bit. It will include Straight Spouses from all different stages of the journey. I have had such a wonderful experience with the first workshop.....and I realize that it is helpful for the spouses to be in all different stages. The Straight Spouses have given me amazing feedback on how this workshop has helped them. Most importantly, the Straight Spouses are finding their way into a beautiful life. We have shared pain....and transformed that pain into discovering a new self...and discovering a life full of opportunities.

So, if you are struggling in a Straight/Gay relationship, consider taking the workshop. The workshop honors discretion and your identity. You have the option of not using your real name on the conference calls and in our private online site.

The workshop is designed to heal...and to build up your self-love and self-esteem. It offers a non-judgmental place to share your fears and to find ways to move forward in your life. In the workshop you will get 6 live conference calls, homework assignments, unlimited email access to the facilitator (the one and only, me!) and 1 live follow-up conference call a month after the workshop has ended. Everything for 150.00!

If you want to join in....email me ASAP and I am open to payment arrangements. Give yourself the GIFT of nurturing and caring for yourself.

Why Do We Carry The Burden Of Shame?

2009-09-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

Well, my friends.....there is no easy answer for this. Our feelings of shame can be as complicated at our relationships with our gay spouses/ex-spouses. It is very interesting how almost every straight spouse carries a burden of shame. We somehow manage to live in the closet with the secret and load up huge doses of shame. There are many reasons why we carry the burden of shame. Some of the obvious reasons may be the following:

* We may feel a need to protect our gay loved one.

* We may feel like we needed to be "better" or "try harder".....so, we take on some of the responsibility.

* We love our partner, so we absorb their shame and struggles.

* We may be ashamed of our choices in picking a mate....and blame ourselves for "not knowing".

* Many family members, friends and co-workers may not be gay friendly....so, we feel the need to keep the secret quiet....in fear of their reactions.

* Many people feel that it is a choice to be homosexual. When it is believed that it is a choice, straight spouses take on the shame and burden of it being their fault.

* Culturally, homosexuals are fighting and struggling for equal rights.....they are met with resistance from many people, governments and agencies. So, it isn't considered to be the "cultural norm" to be gay.

* We may feel embarrassed that our spouses are gay.

Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we take on the shame. The good news is...shame is not your burden to bear. The best way to release the shame is to build up your feelings of self-love and self-esteem. When we are more sure of who and what we are....more of the negative beliefs (such as shame) go away. Therefore, shame becomes something that no longer serves our needs. So, it is my wish for each of you to build up your self-esteem and self-love.

May you enter the journey of LOVING yourself....and find ways to nurture yourself. So, how can you start improving your self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem?

I Blamed Myself For Him Being Gay.....

2009-09-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

Reflecting on my past has given me 20/20 vision. Today, I shudder to think that I actually thought I was the cause of our failed marriage and that I was the cause of him being gay! However, years ago, I carried a lot of the burden of my ex being gay. I stayed in the closet with him. I protected the secret too. I found ways to justify and defend his behaviors. Even though it became a very expensive price for me to pay....I remained in the closet.

The sad reality was......I was STILL living in the closet when and after I filed for divorce. Even though he had dished out years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I felt it was still my duty to protect him. His years of abuse had damaged me and out of FEAR I felt I needed to protect him. I felt the need to protect that he was gay and that he was an abuser.

I had come to believe I caused my ex to be gay. I took responsibility for him being gay and for the abuse. Unfortunately, I had the following thoughts:

a) I was not woman enough....or he would have loved me, had sex with me and not wanted other men.

b) I was ugly.......or he would have loved me and wanted to have been intimate with me.

c) Gay men don't get married....therefore, I must have caused him to be gay somehow.

d) On the days I didn't beat my self up for "not being enough" and causing him to be gay, I would tell myself that I was stupid for marrying someone gay. I should have known and because I didn't, it was my fault. So, I should have been smarter.

e) I was convinced that I "caused" him to abuse me. I must have said or done something that wasn't "right".

f) I needed to try harder because things were not going well.

g) I was lazy, it took a lot of work for a relationship to work...and I must not be doing enough.

h) I must have been lousy with sex, because if I was good...he would want me more.

i) I wasn't normal. I expected too much of him. I was too demanding.

j) In the beginning I wanted sex more than him....so, soon I believed I was over sexed and retreated. I allowed him to convince me that I had an abnormal....nymphomaniac sexual appetite.

Looking back, I know my thoughts were not accurate. No one caused my ex-husband to be gay, not even himself. It certainly was not my fault that my ex was gay.....or that he abused me. However, those thoughts were very true to me when I was living in the closet. My healing journey did not begin until I took baby steps out of the closet. Some days I was able to face the other side of the closet.....and other days, I remained in the closet with the door shut tight and locked. Somehow, each little victory of coming out of the closet gave me strength, clarity, and some short lived peace. The mini victories enabled me to stand in my own light and my own truth. Each day brought opportunities of self discovery.

May You Shower Yourself With Love......

2009-09-18T13:47:00.000-07:00

I watched Oprah today. She had singer Mariah Carey on as a guest. I am somewhat of a Mariah Carey fan...but, honestly she isn't in my top ten. UNTIL today. Today Mariah Carey performed a remake of a Foreigner song, I Want to Know What Love Is. Mariah's rendition really tugged at my heart. I FELT the song. As she sung the song, I kept thinking....I wish every Straight Spouse out there would sing this song to themselves. As they sing this song to themselves.....may they visualize this as their higher self singing the song to them. And may you realize you can cultivate self-love.

As all Straight Spouses know, our self-love and self-esteem usually hits rock bottom when we discover that our husband is gay. It is a very lonely and loveless feeling. So, shower yourself in self-love and enjoy this clip.

Mariah Carey

I Want to Know What Love Is

From her new album, Memoirs of an imperfect Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS_ZJj79-9M

UPDATES and New Scheduled Workshops

2009-09-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of announcements for this blog. The first announcement is.....I am looking for guests to post every now and then. I would like to open the floor to people's different experiences about being in a straight/gay marriage or long term relationship. So, if you are interested.....email me or post a comment. If you want to stay anonymous, I am open to that too. I will post your writing...or you are welcome to use a "pen name". I am also looking for LOVING and NON-JUDGMENTAL professionals to guest post in areas that covers Spiritual issues/ Religious issues, Health issues, and Mental Health issues. I am wishing to include useful information on this blog that covers all the bases of Mind, Body and Spirit in relation to Straight/Gay relationships. So, if you are interested, please contact me via email. MistiLynnHall@aol.com

The second thing I would like to announce is...I really want this blog to be full of helpful information and resources. So, if you have read a great book on the topic...or found an amazing resource...post it in the comments. I will soon figure out how to navigate this blog...and have links to resources.

Lastly, I would like to let you know that I have just added two new online/telephone workshops. I am getting great reviews from my current workshop participants. I am honored to be able to bring women together on conference calls to allow them to share their pain, triumphs, fears, love....everything...nothing held back! The greatest part...the participants can do this with anonymity and from the comforts of their own home. The only requirements for taking one of my online/telephone workshops is that you are able to make long distance phone calls one time per week....and you have access to a computer (and have very basic computer knowledge).

I will be starting two new workshops in October. The workshops are called "Picking Up The Pieces" and "Transformations". Both of the workshops will last for 6 weeks.

"Picking Up the Pieces" workshop is best for those that have recently discovered their spouse is gay.....all the way up to a year (or more) after discovery. This main focus of this workshop is "picking up the pieces" and exploring options for your future. As well as, self-esteem and self-love building activities.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 6,2009 @ 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group conference call for 6 consecutive Tuesdays.

Cost: $150.00

"Transformations" is the other workshop I will be offering in October. This workshop is designed for the straight spouse that has been separated/divorced for more than a year. We will be focusing on honoring your past while discovering and celebrating your new beginnings!
This workshop is designed for those that have moved forward….yet are wishing for support in their present and future relationships with themselves and others. This workshop will focus more on self-love, self-esteem, self discovery, and confidence building....to repair the residue left from your straight/gay relationship. It is recommended that you have been out of the Straight/Gay relationship for a year or more before signing up for this workshop.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 14, 2009 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group telephone conference call for 6 consecutive Wednesdays.

Cost: $150.00

For more info check out this link: http://straightspousecoachingpackages.blogspot.com/

Important note to all...these are Life Coaching Workshops. These workshops and services are NOT meant to be a substitute for Medical and Mental Health services.

If you have any questions about the workshops...please contact me via email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com). If you are having trouble figuring out which workshop to join...send me an email and we will discuss it further. As always...wishing you LOVE, HEALING and A RETURN TO HOPE.....

Misti

Far From HEAVEN

2009-09-08T01:15:00.000-07:00

Far From Heaven is a great movie. Surprisingly, I had not heard about the movie...nor do I remember it being advertised. For some reason it did not get the exposure like Broke Back Mountain. A friend of mine suggested that I watch the movie and sent me a copy to view. I was very impressed with the movie. Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid and Dennis Haysbert do an excellent job in the movie. If you have not seen Far From Heaven and you are a Straight Spouse...I suggest that you to watch it. In my opinion the movie actually portrays some of the Straight Spouse struggles that is often ignored by Hollywood. The following is what Wikipedia.com says about the movie ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_from_Heaven ):

Set in suburban 1950s Connecticut, the film is about Cathy Whitaker (Julianne Moore), the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker. Cathy is married to Frank (Dennis Quaid), a successful executive at Magnatech. The film begins when Cathy gets a phone call from the local police and her husband is put on the line. He says it's all a mix up but they won't let him leave alone. Cathy is preparing for her annual party with her best friend, Eleanor Fine (Patricia Clarkson). One day, Cathy spies an unknown black man walking through her garden. He turns out to be Raymond Deagon (Dennis Haysbert), the son of Cathy's late gardener.
Frank is soon being forced to stay late at the office, swamped with work. One evening, however, we see him enter a bar. Meanwhile, Cathy and Raymond develop a friendship. On one particular night, when Frank is working late, Cathy decides to wrap up his dinner and take it to him. She walks in on him passionately kissing another man. Frank confesses having had "problems" as a young man, and agrees to see psychiatrist Dr. Bowman (James Rebhorn) in the hope of being "converted back" to heterosexuality. His relationship with Cathy is irreparably strained, however, and he turns to alcohol. Unable to comprehend the destruction of her marriage, Cathy turns to Raymond for comfort. She sees him at an art show, where she spends much of her day talking to him, setting the town ablaze with gossip.
As Cathy sees her once idyllic world falling apart, she begins to fall in love with Raymond, and their evident relationship has unpleasant consequences for him and his daughter. At the same time, Frank, unable to suppress his homosexual desires, falls in love with another man and seeks a divorce from Cathy.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about Far From Heaven. Also, if you have not seen the movie, I would like to pass it forward to a Straight Spouse. So, if you are also willing to pass it forward to another Straight Spouse, leave a comment or send me an email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com) and it will go to the first that responds.

Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop Update

2009-08-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of spots still open for the upcoming telephone/online workshop for Straight Spouses. I will be able to keep registration open the remainder of the week. Please join us. If you have any questions, feel free to email me at MistiLynnHall@aol.com

May a beautiful life be unfolding for you!

Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop

2009-08-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

Announcing a Straight Spouse Coaching Workshop via Internet/Telephone

Know that you don’t have to face this journey alone.
Please join us for an online/telephone Straight Spouse Coaching workshop.
This workshop is facilitated by Misti Hall of
StraightSpouseCoaching.blogspot.com

What: 6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses.
Starts: August 31, 09 @ 8:30-10:00PM Eastern Time Zone and it will meet 6 consecutive Mondays (excluding Labor Day, Sept. 7, 09).
What to expect: This workshop will offer a safe space for refuge. As well as, exercises and activities to build your Self Esteem. You will be able to connect with others that have successfully transformed themselves and are living a beautiful life after they made the discovery of having a gay husband.

Price: $150.00 for full 6 weeks course.

The course includes free email support during the class, individual feedback on assignments, small class size (max. 8) & a one on one 30 minute scheduled follow up phone call. Payment plans and one 50% off scholarship available if financial need can be demonstrated. Please email me with any questions/comments. MistiLynnHall@aol.com

Materials required for course: Bonnie Kaye’s book, Straight Talk (available at Amazon.com), a journal and/or assortment of heavy paper, magic markers, pens, access to a computer, basic computer knowledge, access to a phone (long distant charges may apply, depending on your long distance service agreement).

Additional materials that will be useful, not mandatory: Digital camera to take pictures of your work to post.

Please note: This class is not designed to replace medical and/or mental health.

If you are already out of a gay/straight marriage (or relationship) this class can be customized for your current needs. If you are wishing to focus more on your future goals, self esteem, etc. the class activities and homework can be customized to fit your needs. For example, some may be more interested in how to rebuild their life after a straight/gay marriage has ended. Others may have been out of a straight/gay marriage for an extended period of time, yet are looking for a group where someone understands their past. All of you will be welcome in this group. If you have made the decision to remain in your straight/gay marriage (relationship), this workshop is not designed to fit those needs.

Lastly, if you are currently seeing a therapist, I am willing to work in conjunction with your therapist while you are enrolled in the workshop. You and your therapist will need to decide if the workshop is a fit for your needs and I will provide feedback to your therapist. Contact me for further instructions/paperwork if you are currently seeing a therapist.

For additional information http://straightspousecoachingpackages.blogspot.com/

An Interesting Article.....

2009-08-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

Being in the professional mental health field...and a former spouse to a gay husband...I am happy to see this article. I do believe it is a step in the right direction. Regardless of your personal beliefs...I do believe this is a fairly "balanced" article. Please feel free to comment with your own opinion.

"Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090805/ap_on_re_us/us_psychologists_gays

Interview with Bonnie Kaye

2009-07-28T18:20:00.001-07:00

Hello,

I am excited to present this interview. Bonnie Kaye has been involved in helping thousands and thousands of Straight and Gay Spouses. She has dedicated herself tirelessly to the Straight/Gay population. I respect and appreciate Bonnie Kaye's no nonsense advice. Like many of us...Bonnie Kaye learned about Straight/Gay marriages the hard way. She was married to gay man.....she has survived and thrived after the tragedy.

Hi Bonnie,
I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I am familiar with your background. For those of us not...I would like to ask you a few questions.

MH: Tell us a little about yourself….and what prompted you to work with Straight Spouses?

After the demise of my own marriage to a gay man in 1982, I felt alone and isolated. Back then, there were no computers, no discussion on the topic, and very little by way of support. After starting a local support group, I went back to school to earn my counseling degrees because I wanted to help others in this situation not feel isolated and alone.

MH: Specifically, what type of work do you do with Straight Spouses?

I provide free monthly newsletters and free on-line support. I also have counseling services available face-to-face for people in the area, by telephone or by the Internet. As the author of six books on the topic, I am able to share the stories of dozens of women so other women can find a connection and realize they are not alone.

MH: I sure wish I had found you way back when I was going through my divorce. What is the best advice you can give someone when they discover they are in a gay/straight marriage?

First, find support—support that will take you in the right direction—namely out of your marriage. These are what I call “mismarriages” or “mistakes in marriage.” Next, I advise them to make an “escape” plan because sometimes when we act on impulse rather than logic we get hurt. Consult an attorney. See what your rights are. Build up your self-esteem by doing positive things for yourself. Realize you have NO control over this situation. You cannot “love the gay away.” Your husband can’t change—and he won’t change. Be a role model for your children. Don’t let them watch you lose yourself day after day. Stand up and fight to take your life back.

MH: Currently I am a therapist and life coach. Being in the field I know there is not a whole lot of good professional support out there for Straight Spouses….why do you think that is? What should a Straight Spouse look for when seeking professional help?

A straight wife could easily find destructive help because therapist are (1) not familiar enough with this situation, (2) biased in their opinions of it, or (3) making judgments based on religious or cultural beliefs.
A straight wife should look for a therapist who specializes in abuse with women because that type of counselor understands the emotional abuse a woman goes through.

MH: It is my opinion that Straight Spouses who seek good quality support have a better success rate in regards to moving forward and coping better....what is your opinion on that? Why do you think support is so crucial?

This situation is so isolating and confusing. Without support, it is easy to fall into a pattern of questioning your sanity. Most of these guys are expert liars, so it’s easy not to believe the worst that is facing you. You don’t want to believe the truth—what woman would? So your own sense of denial mixed with your husband’s lies of denial creates a very gray area where you always feel like you are walking under a dark cloud waiting for the rain to pour in. You start feeling as if you are existing each day instead of living it. Women are embarrassed or ashamed to talk about this situation in many cases. They somehow feel “responsible” because their supposedly straight husbands are now gay. If we don’t understand, how will others? Finding support helps you get past those feelings of isolation.

MH: Do you think a Gay/Straight marriage is sustainable? Why or Why not?

I think these marriages are abusive. No woman should have to be married to a man who doesn’t want just her, and sexually, not her. It’s debilitating to know that you’ll never come first with your husband. Even if he has sex with you, he is fantasizing about being with a man. In time he will resent you because he feels “trapped.” No woman should have to live this way. Life was not meant to be this complicated.

MH: How many women/men are estimated to be living in a gay/straight marriage?

I’m not sure about women, but it’s estimated that there are over 4 million gay men who are or were married. Men may feel more of the social pressure to marry than women, so there may be more men than women.

MH: I know you do a lot of work for Gay men involved in a marriage. Tell us about what you offer.

I offer gay men help in coming out to their wives including free counseling. I also have a wonderful support network of gay ex-husbands who are willing to help other men, so I connect them together for support. I also assure them that I am there for their wives.

MH: If Straight Spouses want to participate in your support chats how can they sign up for that?

My chats are open to any woman who wants to leave her marriage—not find ways to stay in it. If you are interested in joining, just send me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com with your information and I’ll send you directions.

MH: Last, but not least…you have authored several books on Gay/Straight relationships. I just read your latest book, can you give us a brief synopsis of the book and where it can be purchased?

My latest book is “Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk.” This is a compilation of the best of my best newsletters. Of my six books, it’s the one I’m proudest of because I think it is filled with wisdom and “tough love” talk. You can purchase it through www.Amazon.com.

MH: Thanks for all you do for the Straight Spouse “club”. I know I appreciate all you have done and what you continue to do!

You are quite welcome. The only therapist I truly feel confident in recommending to is you, Misti Hall. If anyone can move women out of this darkness into the light, it’s you!

MH: Thank you...with love and appreciation.

Did I make him Gay? Did I make her Lesbian?

2009-07-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

NO.

YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GAY OR LESBIAN!

Please reread that statement as many times as you need to. You do not have the power or control to make your spouse/partner gay or lesbian. Unfortunately, I hear this question more often than I want to. Shamefully, I admit that I had the very question running through my own head when I discovered that my now ex was/is gay.....Did I make him gay??

If you question (ed) yourself, as I did....possibly you can gain some insight from my experience. As I reflect on my past, I think many things led me to question myself about any influence I had in causing my ex being gay. For example, my ex continually made derogatory and self esteem shattering comments to me. I internalized the comments and allowed my self-esteem to plummet. I was told often that it was "my fault that we fought", it was "my fault that his head hurt", it was "my fault that the house was never clean enough", it was "my fault that the dogs or cats had made a mess", it was "my fault we didn't have sex because I stunk" (yes, that was really a comment from him), it was "my fault that I made him scream at me", it was "my fault things went wrong because I was so stupid", etc. Finally I thought it was my fault because the sky was blue!!

Not only did I allow my ex to beat down my self esteem, I further assaulted my self esteem by taking some unsolicited comments from friends and family to heart. Once I filed for divorce, many people were eager to offer advice and give comments. I actually had someone ask, "how did you make him gay?" Additional comments were, "gay men don't get married", "there are no gay men in "small town", KY". Needless to say, the comments were very hurtful.

Lastly, homosexuality is such a hot topic in our society. Some people believe homosexuality is a choice, others believe it something you are born with and not a choice. Unfortunately, conflicting research is abundant! To further cloud the homosexuality debate, pour some religion on it......to further fuel the fire of confusion. Considering all the above, how could anyone think with clarity???

Taking everything into consideration....how on earth could I not accept blame with making my ex gay? Fortunately, I only shrouded myself with this belief shortly. Thankfully, I was surrounded by a few wise friends and family members. As well as, influenced by the grace of God. All of it combined allowed me to offset the hurtful comments from my ex and others. Soon after I realized that I had NO control over my ex's sexual behavior or preference. I had NO choice over who or how many he slept with. I could not have made him gay.

This topic may sound silly to many people. However, the question.....Did I make him gay/Did I make her lesbian, is a real question that straight spouses struggle with and seek to find an answer for. It is a question that leads to many nights of tossing and turning. It is a question that creates many tears. It is a question that serves the straight spouses an extra dose of guilt. Mostly, it is a question that no one should have to seek an answer for.

If you are a straight spouse, please seek support that is helpful. Remember, not all friends, family members, therapists and/or clergy will be helpful in this matter. It is not that they want to intentionally cause harm to the straight spouses. It is my belief that many people do not understand the impact or the dynamics of a straight/gay relationship. So, make sure you are seeking helpful...not hurtful support.

As always...I wish you the best on this journey.

The Moment of Discovery

2009-07-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

The moment of discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian can be devastating and something that is forever etched into your soul. It is something that every straight spouse can tell you...EXACTLY where they were, what they were wearing, who was (if anyone) with them, the exact day/time, etc. It is branded into our brain...yet, a revelation (that our spouse is gay/lesbian) we often struggle to wrap our brain around. It is more than a disappointment, it goes much deeper than that. It is a complicated situation at best. No one wants to find out that their spouse is gay/lesbian.

Discovering that your spouse is gay/lesbian opens a huge Pandora's Box. Often times it will yield more questions than answers. Many of the questions you may never find an answer for. Some spouses will never admit their sexual preference. Which may lead to the straight spouse further doubting themselves and feeling more guilt and uncertainty.

However, the discovery can also make pieces of the puzzle fit. For example, when I discovered my now ex was/is gay, things finally started making sense to me. I felt like the "missing" piece to the puzzle was finally found! Even though it was a very painful discovery, I was relieved to figure out that I wasn't "crazy" for my suspicions. Unfortunately, my now ex did not admit to being gay. It only angered him and his abuse escalated. I allowed his abuse to push me deeper into the closet....where I remained in silence for almost three miserable years. During those three years I denied every red flag. Denial was my best form of self preservation and survival.

It is also important to note that all straight/gay marriages do not unfold like mine. Some spouses will admit to being gay/lesbian when their spouse makes the "discovery". Other gay/lesbian spouses may make the admission to their straight spouse before being "discovered". Some of those gay/lesbian spouses will also seek counseling with the straight spouse to begin untangling the web of a gay/straight marriage. Ideally straight/gay partners will seek some sort of professional counseling to sort out how to move forward.

Wishing you the best on this journey. It is not an easy journey....however, there is life after a straight/gay marriage and it is survivable.

Welcome

2009-07-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Straight Spouse Coaching. If you found this blog...I want to give you a warm welcome. Chances are, you never thought you would be looking for Straight Spouse support. Neither did I. It is not something that any of us planned for when we envisioned our marriages as being "happily ever after".

Discovering that our spouse/partner is gay is heartbreaking. It is more than a "bump in the road" for a relationship. Unfortunately there are lots of people, professional and lay, that give not-so-great advice to Straight Spouses. Therefore, I decided that it was time for me to offer Straight Spouse Coaching to a larger audience. It was not an easy decision to "go public" with this blog and coaching. However, being divorced from a gay man for nearly ten years...I know it is now time to pursue helping other Straight Spouses move beyond the tragedy of "discovery" and into a great life.

This blog (and it's content) is NOT a replacement for therapy. Even though I have a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, I do not feel it is of good practice to offer therapy over the phone and/or online. Therefore, this blog and the workshops offered are considered to be more of a "coaching" nature vs. therapy. If you need therapy, please seek a qualified therapist in your area where you can have face to face sessions.

My vision is to offer compassionate support for Straight Spouses that are going through the crisis of discovering their loved one is gay. The purpose of this blog is to be a safe haven for Straight Spouses to seek support and to find resources for their journey. As well as to announce my upcoming online/telephone coaching workshops.

Wishing you a beautiful life,
Misti Hall