Why Do We Carry The Burden Of Shame?

Well, my friends.....there is no easy answer for this. Our feelings of shame can be as complicated at our relationships with our gay spouses/ex-spouses. It is very interesting how almost every straight spouse carries a burden of shame. We somehow manage to live in the closet with the secret and load up huge doses of shame. There are many reasons why we carry the burden of shame. Some of the obvious reasons may be the following:

* We may feel a need to protect our gay loved one.

* We may feel like we needed to be "better" or "try harder".....so, we take on some of the responsibility.

* We love our partner, so we absorb their shame and struggles.

* We may be ashamed of our choices in picking a mate....and blame ourselves for "not knowing".

* Many family members, friends and co-workers may not be gay friendly....so, we feel the need to keep the secret quiet....in fear of their reactions.

* Many people feel that it is a choice to be homosexual. When it is believed that it is a choice, straight spouses take on the shame and burden of it being their fault.

* Culturally, homosexuals are fighting and struggling for equal rights.....they are met with resistance from many people, governments and agencies. So, it isn't considered to be the "cultural norm" to be gay.

* We may feel embarrassed that our spouses are gay.

Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we take on the shame. The good news is...shame is not your burden to bear. The best way to release the shame is to build up your feelings of self-love and self-esteem. When we are more sure of who and what we are....more of the negative beliefs (such as shame) go away. Therefore, shame becomes something that no longer serves our needs. So, it is my wish for each of you to build up your self-esteem and self-love.

May you enter the journey of LOVING yourself....and find ways to nurture yourself. So, how can you start improving your self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem?

I Blamed Myself For Him Being Gay.....

Reflecting on my past has given me 20/20 vision. Today, I shudder to think that I actually thought I was the cause of our failed marriage and that I was the cause of him being gay! However, years ago, I carried a lot of the burden of my ex being gay. I stayed in the closet with him. I protected the secret too. I found ways to justify and defend his behaviors. Even though it became a very expensive price for me to pay....I remained in the closet.

The sad reality was......I was STILL living in the closet when and after I filed for divorce. Even though he had dished out years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I felt it was still my duty to protect him. His years of abuse had damaged me and out of FEAR I felt I needed to protect him. I felt the need to protect that he was gay and that he was an abuser.

I had come to believe I caused my ex to be gay. I took responsibility for him being gay and for the abuse. Unfortunately, I had the following thoughts:

a) I was not woman enough....or he would have loved me, had sex with me and not wanted other men.

b) I was ugly.......or he would have loved me and wanted to have been intimate with me.

c) Gay men don't get married....therefore, I must have caused him to be gay somehow.

d) On the days I didn't beat my self up for "not being enough" and causing him to be gay, I would tell myself that I was stupid for marrying someone gay. I should have known and because I didn't, it was my fault. So, I should have been smarter.

e) I was convinced that I "caused" him to abuse me. I must have said or done something that wasn't "right".

f) I needed to try harder because things were not going well.

g) I was lazy, it took a lot of work for a relationship to work...and I must not be doing enough.

h) I must have been lousy with sex, because if I was good...he would want me more.

i) I wasn't normal. I expected too much of him. I was too demanding.

j) In the beginning I wanted sex more than him....so, soon I believed I was over sexed and retreated. I allowed him to convince me that I had an abnormal....nymphomaniac sexual appetite.

Looking back, I know my thoughts were not accurate. No one caused my ex-husband to be gay, not even himself. It certainly was not my fault that my ex was gay.....or that he abused me. However, those thoughts were very true to me when I was living in the closet. My healing journey did not begin until I took baby steps out of the closet. Some days I was able to face the other side of the closet.....and other days, I remained in the closet with the door shut tight and locked. Somehow, each little victory of coming out of the closet gave me strength, clarity, and some short lived peace. The mini victories enabled me to stand in my own light and my own truth. Each day brought opportunities of self discovery.

May You Shower Yourself With Love......

I watched Oprah today. She had singer Mariah Carey on as a guest. I am somewhat of a Mariah Carey fan...but, honestly she isn't in my top ten. UNTIL today. Today Mariah Carey performed a remake of a Foreigner song, I Want to Know What Love Is. Mariah's rendition really tugged at my heart. I FELT the song. As she sung the song, I kept thinking....I wish every Straight Spouse out there would sing this song to themselves. As they sing this song to themselves.....may they visualize this as their higher self singing the song to them. And may you realize you can cultivate self-love.

As all Straight Spouses know, our self-love and self-esteem usually hits rock bottom when we discover that our husband is gay. It is a very lonely and loveless feeling. So, shower yourself in self-love and enjoy this clip.

Mariah Carey

I Want to Know What Love Is

From her new album, Memoirs of an imperfect Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS_ZJj79-9M

UPDATES and New Scheduled Workshops

I have a couple of announcements for this blog. The first announcement is.....I am looking for guests to post every now and then. I would like to open the floor to people's different experiences about being in a straight/gay marriage or long term relationship. So, if you are interested.....email me or post a comment. If you want to stay anonymous, I am open to that too. I will post your writing...or you are welcome to use a "pen name". I am also looking for LOVING and NON-JUDGMENTAL professionals to guest post in areas that covers Spiritual issues/ Religious issues, Health issues, and Mental Health issues. I am wishing to include useful information on this blog that covers all the bases of Mind, Body and Spirit in relation to Straight/Gay relationships. So, if you are interested, please contact me via email. MistiLynnHall@aol.com

The second thing I would like to announce is...I really want this blog to be full of helpful information and resources. So, if you have read a great book on the topic...or found an amazing resource...post it in the comments. I will soon figure out how to navigate this blog...and have links to resources.

Lastly, I would like to let you know that I have just added two new online/telephone workshops. I am getting great reviews from my current workshop participants. I am honored to be able to bring women together on conference calls to allow them to share their pain, triumphs, fears, love....everything...nothing held back! The greatest part...the participants can do this with anonymity and from the comforts of their own home. The only requirements for taking one of my online/telephone workshops is that you are able to make long distance phone calls one time per week....and you have access to a computer (and have very basic computer knowledge).

I will be starting two new workshops in October. The workshops are called "Picking Up The Pieces" and "Transformations". Both of the workshops will last for 6 weeks.

"Picking Up the Pieces" workshop is best for those that have recently discovered their spouse is gay.....all the way up to a year (or more) after discovery. This main focus of this workshop is "picking up the pieces" and exploring options for your future. As well as, self-esteem and self-love building activities.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 6,2009 @ 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group conference call for 6 consecutive Tuesdays.

Cost: $150.00

"Transformations" is the other workshop I will be offering in October. This workshop is designed for the straight spouse that has been separated/divorced for more than a year. We will be focusing on honoring your past while discovering and celebrating your new beginnings!
This workshop is designed for those that have moved forward….yet are wishing for support in their present and future relationships with themselves and others. This workshop will focus more on self-love, self-esteem, self discovery, and confidence building....to repair the residue left from your straight/gay relationship. It is recommended that you have been out of the Straight/Gay relationship for a year or more before signing up for this workshop.

What

6 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts

October 14, 2009 8:30PM-10:00PM Eastern Standard Time Zone. We will gather for a group telephone conference call for 6 consecutive Wednesdays.

Cost: $150.00

For more info check out this link: http://straightspousecoachingpackages.blogspot.com/

Important note to all...these are Life Coaching Workshops. These workshops and services are NOT meant to be a substitute for Medical and Mental Health services.

If you have any questions about the workshops...please contact me via email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com). If you are having trouble figuring out which workshop to join...send me an email and we will discuss it further. As always...wishing you LOVE, HEALING and A RETURN TO HOPE.....

Misti

Far From HEAVEN

Far From Heaven is a great movie. Surprisingly, I had not heard about the movie...nor do I remember it being advertised. For some reason it did not get the exposure like Broke Back Mountain. A friend of mine suggested that I watch the movie and sent me a copy to view. I was very impressed with the movie. Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid and Dennis Haysbert do an excellent job in the movie. If you have not seen Far From Heaven and you are a Straight Spouse...I suggest that you to watch it. In my opinion the movie actually portrays some of the Straight Spouse struggles that is often ignored by Hollywood. The following is what Wikipedia.com says about the movie ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_from_Heaven ):

Set in suburban 1950s Connecticut, the film is about Cathy Whitaker (Julianne Moore), the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker. Cathy is married to Frank (Dennis Quaid), a successful executive at Magnatech. The film begins when Cathy gets a phone call from the local police and her husband is put on the line. He says it's all a mix up but they won't let him leave alone. Cathy is preparing for her annual party with her best friend, Eleanor Fine (Patricia Clarkson). One day, Cathy spies an unknown black man walking through her garden. He turns out to be Raymond Deagon (Dennis Haysbert), the son of Cathy's late gardener.
Frank is soon being forced to stay late at the office, swamped with work. One evening, however, we see him enter a bar. Meanwhile, Cathy and Raymond develop a friendship. On one particular night, when Frank is working late, Cathy decides to wrap up his dinner and take it to him. She walks in on him passionately kissing another man. Frank confesses having had "problems" as a young man, and agrees to see psychiatrist Dr. Bowman (James Rebhorn) in the hope of being "converted back" to heterosexuality. His relationship with Cathy is irreparably strained, however, and he turns to alcohol. Unable to comprehend the destruction of her marriage, Cathy turns to Raymond for comfort. She sees him at an art show, where she spends much of her day talking to him, setting the town ablaze with gossip.
As Cathy sees her once idyllic world falling apart, she begins to fall in love with Raymond, and their evident relationship has unpleasant consequences for him and his daughter. At the same time, Frank, unable to suppress his homosexual desires, falls in love with another man and seeks a divorce from Cathy.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about Far From Heaven. Also, if you have not seen the movie, I would like to pass it forward to a Straight Spouse. So, if you are also willing to pass it forward to another Straight Spouse, leave a comment or send me an email (MistiLynnHall@aol.com) and it will go to the first that responds.